Hi friends

It has been a few weeks since I've posted, though I've been reading and gaining wisdom and encouragement from all of you on the board.

My AH is home now from his second visit to detox in 2 months. He's been home for about a week. His case worker wanted me to insist that he go straight from detox to a long-term residential program, her solution was a 3-6 month stay with the Salvation Army.  He was adamant that he didn't want to...on and on. While I've heard great things about this program, and I know it has worked for others in MIP, for me, and for him, it didn't sound like the answer. In the end, I agreed to let him come home, and he agreed to go to an AA meeting every day, to see a counselor, and to stop drinking. I didn't believe that last promise, but I did set some boundaries and communicated them clearly.

I think I've been doing a good job of detaching, with love. It is good to have him home. He is a good person, he is trying to make better choices. I truly see him as sick, and my anger and resentment have lessened greatly. Sure, I'm still angry when I think of all the debt he has accumulated over the past year, and when I see the never ending medical bills that are now arriving in the mail daily. But, I also enjoy spending time together when he is not drinking, and we have had some happy and loving times this week. He has cooked dinner every night, which is a wonderful thing that he USED to do for me, before the world went crazy.

On the positive side, he has kept to his word and has gone to a meeting every day since he has been home. He doesn't talk much about AA, and I don't ask much. Trying to just stay out of his way in that regard. Also, all on his own, he has found a new psychiatrist and a counselor, and has made appointments with each. He has also, without my help, been to the social security office and completed all the paper work for his disability claim and now has scheduled a hearing date.

On the negative side, he drank on Monday, but denied denied denied when I even suggested that he was having a bad day.  I didn't push it, just let him be with his own truth.  He hasn't found a sponsor, but again, not my job to do that for him. I am praying that his HP is guiding him on the right path. 

And he still acting crazy (sorry, but there is no other word for it). On Monday, the day of drinking, he scheduled an in-home appointment with a window replacement company. The salesperson spent 2 HOURS in our house, extolling the virtues of his company's windows, then proceeded to give us an estimate for $23,000 (!!!) to replace all of our windows and our front door. AH, who has not had a job in 6 years, actually believed we could afford this....I just sat quietly and said, maybe we should wait until our financial situation improves a bit and discuss this again another time. I'm pretty sure the salesperson could also smell the booze on AH's breath, so there wasn't much of hard sell at that point. 

Then today, AH told me he wanted another dog. In fact, he had gone to the local shelter and picked out a little 15 pound mix breed, and would it be okay if tomorrow he went to pick him up? Again, I just stayed quiet for a moment, and then said, you know maybe we should wait until life gets a little more settled. Things have been kind of chaotic the past couple of months, it might not be a good time for all the changes that come with a new dog.  (To be clear, I am the one that has had to take care of our current dog while AH was in detox, making sure she was walked, fed, etc. while I was working 50 miles from home each day. How on earth could I handle this and a NEW dog??) Sigh, HP, thank you for letting me respond with kindness to each of these insane requests, which are just evidence of how sick my husband truly is.

For myself, I am sleeping better, my stomach issues are improving. I had a great day at work today, making great progress on some important projects, and really working on my self . I am seeing changes in how I am reacting, and responding to my co-workers. Patience and calm are becoming two things I know I need more of at work and at home. Using my alanon tools has really helped.  I am also connecting with my sister, sharing more with her, and enjoying our conversations so much more than I have in the past. She has become such a good friend to me through all of this, and that is a blessing. And we don't spend all of our time talking about AH and his issues, which is really a good thing. In fact, she called me tonight for some advice about a situation in her own family, nothing very critical, but it felt so good to be able to give her some help and encouragement, in a healthy way.

When I look at myself now, and how I am handling my world, it is amazing to see the changes that a few months of alanon have made. I am calmer, more confident in myself, letting go of the stuff that I can't control, and becoming a happier person. I still don't know what tomorrow will bring, I still have moments of fear, but the fear is not paralyzing me. I am ok. I have faith that I can handle whatever comes my way, with the help of my HP.

Thanks for listening.