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This weekend went pretty well, albeit I didn't see my AM because I was working all weekend and she was off doing whatever she was doing...Today has been hard mentally and emotionally because I'm so tired of dealing with this....it makes studying harder too. I'm more sad than anything else I just want things to be back the way they were, is that so much to ask? I'm relying on my HP (God) to help me through today. I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight with my dad..I'm hoping that will help...
I did ask my AM today if she would be willing to go to an open AA meeting she said 'not tonight'. I told her I was angry at the whole situation, not her (but aren't they the same things?). I calmed down and told her that I didn't know what her reasons were for not wanting to go but a good way to stop drinking is by going to an AA meeting, is that true to say?
I feel so drained but I'm taking it one day at a time... :)
I'm so glad you are going to a meeting and I hope you feel at home. It's so hard living with this disease but your on the right track. Let us know how you got on.x
I went to my first Alanon meeting in 10 years on Friday! I fell in love with it! I'm looking forward to going to the next one this week! This disease is exhausting. For years it seemed I if only my AA Hubby and Mom would just get it together that things would be easier. Nothing changed. So I have to change. I have to get it together to live with their disease. You are on the right track!
(((phoenixmagicgirl)))) i can feel what you are feeling. I used to get angry so much and in despair told my A that all he had to do was to search assistance with AA people and those who know. then this didn't turn on the light for him of course. So that left me frustrated...so i had to turn towards myself....and clean up my side of the street...and oh dear, was it messy here. i cleaned up most parts, and still find some dusty corners here and there, and I'm trying today to keep it clean. what I stopped was trying to give my A cleaning instructions....because every persons lives in the mess he is able to live in, some more , some less...until they get sick and tired....if they don't , well that's their messy life. I can still try and be a friend, but I willl choose not to set foot on too messy grounds. the main reason: because it sucks out all the energy of my own person, which i need to use for my own hygiene..very simple. and I believe we all are connected....especially in family...so the good outlook will be, if I manage to change in a better way, people around me might want to join me....or at least they can see and choose on their own. ps. when I noticed how much energy I had spent in anger and fear, i was amazed... what good can be done with all that energy?i am currently learning a new way of loving...it's unusual but interesting
It will take more than just 1 AA meeting for her. It will take a whole program. It's probably good you suggested it but good to let it go also and not beat the subject to death. At least she knows where to go when she's ready. Now it's about the people who are willing and ready getting healthy (you and your dad).
Thank you pinkchip and tortuga for your insight.
After my F2F meeting last night it felt kind of odd to go to said meeting because I felt as if I was on the outside looking inward (emotionally, mentally) and I got scared because I don't know where to go from here...what else can I do to help my A understand the payoff of going to an AA meeting?...
Theoretically - if you model the recovery through going to your alanon meetings and letting it make your life better that may attract her to the program. While all of you are powerless, I am wondering about your brother...You say he went through this and got sober? Does he go to AA/NA? If anyone is in the position to "help" it's another addict/alcoholic. Not saying he should be the one to 12-step her into AA, since, like you, he is too close to her, but he would know others who might be perfect for the job. No need for fancy interventions when one person in the family is already connected to recovery.
There is the hotline number for wherever you live also. Google intergroup AA for your state and there will be a hotline number. I called that number drunk and crying 2 x before I actually hit bottom and went to a meeting. Also, many folks come to the AA board here at MIP and get reassurance about meetings and such in a way that seems less scary. The AA board here at MIP is actually going strong with women members now too so that helps. Of course, once again, you are powerless to "make" her do anything.
It's hard to stop enabling 100 percent. As long as she gets to live in the house and keep drinking without major consequences, there will be some unintentional enabling. One thing that motivates alcoholics and addicts into recovery is pain. HOWEVER, that is a dangerous line that we tread because neither us nor our family members know ahead of time how much pain it will take to get us to chose recovery. Some folks take the end of a relationship, health problems, a lost job, financial mess, or just feeling totally empty as "the last straw" and go into treatment others require multiple losses of that kind to hit bottom. They often say that inhibitors to recovery are youth, health, and wealth. Sounds like your mom has 2 of the 3 still going. It sucks and is so sad that she may have to progress to losing more of those other 2 things and even more of the 3rd (cuz she's not young I presume but not elderly either).
Phoenixgirl - after a time you will have to ask yourself "what about me?" And you can't put your life on hold for your mom. She would want you to have a career and family and so forth. Just be careful not to step into the partner role with your dad. He may unwittingly make you into like his "spouse" cuz he has largely lost his or is "losing" his. That dynamic is tricky because you love both of them so much, but getting too caught up in their relationship and their adult problems will stop you from having your own independent adult life. As I was saying, the best thing you can do is have a great life of your own making so that your mom can choose to participate in it through recovery (though I recognize it's not just a simple choice it's going to be hard for her). It's confusing and there are a lot of factors in play, but if your mom sees you picking up her slack and being partner to your dad so she doesn't have to, that is also a form of enabling. So it could come down to leaving her and him to have their own problems and either get so miserable that he leaves her, she gets help, or whatever....It may have to go down that way. In an ideal world, daughter and father expressing so much concern would get her into recovery and you could continue living your life and fly the coop (their home) without worrying about them...but nothing about addiction is ideal.
If all there is is drama and misery over her and her choices, she won't see what she's missing and will ride that "poor me" act even longer. So whatever she does, don't forget to make your life the best because even if she's not expressing it right now due to her disease, a parent mostly wants to see their child have a rich and fulfilling life.
Pinkchip,
My brother has been sober and clean for 4 years. He goes to AA meetings every day. I know its been very difficult to see our mom go through this..
As for my dad, he's doing the best he can having gone through this once with my brother...that was bad enough to see my dad try to off himself, though he won't talk about it. My dad has threatened to leave my mom because he can't deal with this hell anymore...she knows she's an A although she has yet to actually say those words to any of us...its a good thing that she can acknowledge that she needs to go to an AA meeting, right? or is that me being naive? and too emotionally involved?
I do my best to help my dad and my AM around the house.
I understand what you're saying that I have to take care of myself in every aspect of my life. But I'll also do my best to support and pray for my mom, is that okay to do? I can't sit back and do nothing while she does this..that's not the kind of person I am.
I don't want my mom to feel like we are abandoning her, but I think she understands how deeply she's hurt all of us..does that make sense?
Thanks for your insight and advice!
Try reading ' detachment' it talks about detaching with love. That means loving in a different way. So instead of pleading or trying to convince your mum to stop drinking you give her her dignity and let her choose for herself. So your role is to be polite, courteous, caring without trying to control her. When she gets into a state allow her to have the natural consequences, don't clean up her mess, let her see it. Don't make it worse but recognise what belongs to her and her alcoholism belongs to her only. It's not yours to control or try to cure. You may well be neglecting your own life being so focussed on your mum. It's very hard, I know because I am like you first with my ex ah then my son. I neglected my health, happiness, friendships everthing and I never changed anyone I only made things worse believing I had the power and know how to control and change another. It's not possible.x
