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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Crowded and Alone
Post Info TOPIC: Crowded and Alone
itsthatkellygirl


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Crowded and Alone
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hmm So the truth is...I am new here - I am so crowded and so alone.

 

 A little me background - In the past I have abused drugs and alcohol, to try to get out of my own head - to try to feel ok - to try to exist. Alcohol was never my thing, my alcoholic husband calls me one drink Lulu, I have ended up with alcohol poisoning a couple of times. My step father was a trash can junkie, he was clean for 25 years before he died unexpectedly 2 years ago. That triggered some sort of relapse for me. Again (maybe this is denial) I have never been addicted to anything as much as I have tried.  I used drugs for the first time in 13plus years. I used them for approx 2 months. In that two months I totally lost control.

 

A year ago I ended up getting myself arrested, and put in rehab. My husband the active (functioning) alcoholic - called my family to tell them how crazy I was acting. And something is really wrong with me. They came to his rescue, all of them bought his story. All of them told me that he is a good guy and really loves me, I should be thankful for someone like him. none of them know what an alcoholic he is, how abusive he has been, how crazy I have become. None of them to this day know what it is like ot live with someone who finds fault in absolutely everything you do, even he does the same things. I have a different set of rules that seems to vary day to day. I have been with him for 20 years, I know no different. 

The family came and saw me acting crazy, I have never been so mad in my entire life. The next day they staged an intervention with my husband. He sat through that intervention telling them what a mess I am . They all agreed, well I caught them in the middle of this intervention; before they could come talk to me - I lost my mind I yelled and screamed at all of them, in the middle of this McDonald's where they were. I stormed out of there in leaving I lost control of my car - my mother called 911 and reported that I tried to run them over. I was arrested for felony attempted man slaughter. (My mother denies this - the DA let me read the report when I went to court some 45 days later, the DA did not bring additional charges), on my families insistence he filed a restraining order against me so I could not come home. Could not see our son. Ripped my world out from under me. I spent 3 days in jail from there I went to rehab. I only stayed for 15 days. There I had things stolen from me, and cut of from the rest of my family - no contact. I was alone. Crowded and alone. I cannot believe how I have let my life go - I cannot believe how utterly alone I am today -

 

As soon as I got permission to use the phone - my first phone call, my husband. Things were awesome, I cried he cried, Within two days he picked me up. Things were great for 30 days - the honeymoon was over. He is back to yelling at me - ovr things totally out of my control. Telling me how much he hates my dogs, I have two and they are my best friends. (Oh btw my best friend relao=psed on heroin and is now in jail.) I timed how long we can go without getting into an argument, 12 minutes...I just don't talk anymore. And when I do, I can make a joke but he will turn it around on me and say something like you are a smart A** why do you do this?

 

I am a mess - I don;t know what to do anymore. Most days I cannot even get off of my couch. I have gone to an F2F AA meeting, it is really not for me. I identify but am having a hard time accepting I am the addict. Maybe I am - I don't know. I tried reaching out to a couple of the girls from the rehab. No answer. I don;t trust my family at all (btw none of them showed up for my court hearing that is ok but just reconfirmed how alone I always feel).

I am unemployed (laid off last year 5 days before my little flip out) - I have sent out 180 something resumes since October of this year, before that I was not tracking. I have been on 10 interviews total, I have read somewhere that it takes 15-20 interviews before you get a job, in the past this has never happened to me.

 

I feel so alone, yet cannot handle communication of any sort. Unless of course I am pretending that things are awesome. If anyone is near me I feel crowded. I am picking at my skin non stop, my anxiety levels are through the roof. I even contacted a sober living house to see if I can move in there with my son and dogs. I just don't know what to do. If I leave he has told me he will make my life hell, and I cannot take our son. I believe him. He won't let me go, yet how can he be happy. I have been sleeping on the couch off and on for the past several years.

 

How do I get past all this? I cannot even stand to hear the sound of his breathing anymore. I know this is hard to follow, my thoughts are all over...something else that totally confuses me...am I losing my mind? I honestly just want to run away but I have no one and no where to go...

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by itsthatkellygirl on Sunday 14th of April 2013 02:49:17 PM

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xo, kell
hotrod


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i Itisthatkelly girl Welcome to Miracles in Progress
 
It certainly sounds as if you have so many negative destructive forces surrounding your life at this time. You mention you can identify with the AA members but have a difficult time seeing yourself are an alcoholic because you are sure your husband is. It is possible that you both are You see Alcoholism is a disease that manifests itself in different ways in different people . Some drink occasionally and get in trouble, some drink continuously and seem to function. Bottom line is that alcoholism is a destructive baffling disease that is progressive and ends in insanity, institutions or death, without treatment.
 
Alanon is a fellowship of members who live with the problem of alcoholism. Some are alcoholics who are also recovering in AA. In alanon we learn that having lived with this disease we too require a program of recovery.
 
Alanon is that program. There are face to face meetings in most communities that can be located by going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

And placing your cursor over about us in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these is information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both have good information.

It is extremely important to break the isolation caused by this disease We have on line meetings here 2xs a day and you are welcome to attend .

(Morning Meetings)
Mon. - Fri. at 9am eastern time
Sat - Sun. - 10am eastern time

(Nite Meetings)
Mon -Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time

You can point your web browser at us at any time and join the room for general and supportive chat.
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Hope to see you there



-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 14th of April 2013 08:56:33 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
pinkchip


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Kelly, I am glad you are here. I would give AA or NA another shot. Perhaps alanon also. The skills and lessons are largely the same but AA/NA is more readily available. I am a recovering alcoholic and honestly, when I read your post it sounded like you have all of what we call the "ISMs" regardless of your actual drug use/abuse patterns and/or your husband's.

It is the best support network and the cheapest way to reroute your thinking. I could not break my cycle of crappy relationships, crappy job, and being victim to crappy situations until AA and until I REALLY worked AA with a sponsor, meetings, service...all of it and not doing it halfarsed. Of course my drinking was a huge problem. Your drug use sounds like a real issue...people don't go on 2 month drug binges out of grief...I do think that's some denial on your part.

So whether it be through AA, NA, or alanon you can benefit from the steps and the support. You are suffering. Before AA (and now alanon) all I ever did was suffer. Nobody winds up at AA/NA by accident and those who say "it wasn't for me" are usually doing so because they are scared, don't believe they can change, or want to stay victim whether they know it or not.

My life was a tragic mess too and I empathize with where you are at. I don't know what to tell you about taking your son with you into a halfway. Even your self-described behavior does not sound stable. Not judging you but going on drug binges, screaming and tearing out of public places when family expresses concern, stopping going to recommended treatment....all that does not sound like getting healthy for you and your child.

Other's will probably have differing responses to this, but as an alcoholic/addict - I recognize one of "us" and I'm telling you this out of love and concern. Go back to AA/NA and focus on getting you better before making any other giant changes. Your husband may indeed be a jerky alcoholic, but you have a lot on your own plate clearly and could use the support that I know is there in the rooms. It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just his drinking.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Kelly...your reaching out has worked!!  You've found family who will be supportive.  You've sat in on a face to face AA meeting so you've heard some of the lingo and seen some of the faces.  You're reaching out...keep doing that.  You've heard that we are a "step" and "traditions" program stick around and find out what that means.  The first step is a two parter for me and the second part says "...that our lives had become unmanageable"  Do you relate to unmanageable?  The last word of the 2nd step is Sanity...the whole step reads "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could ...restore us to sanity".    I'm thinking that  you relate to the insanity of your life right now.   You need to stick and stay.  We have an AA board here also check in there and see what feedback you get.   Like PinkChip I am also a "double" a member of both programs which have, because of suggested participation saved my mind, body, spirit and emotions.    I relate to the behaviors you are going thru right now...fear and anxiety the wanting to run and not having faith that any direction will be in the direction of real help.   You've come here and this is a great place to run to.   You're welcomed and loved unconditionally...Keep coming back.  Crowded and alone...I know what that feels like.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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PP


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Welcome..I am in support of what the others have said.  There is hope and sanity awaiting for you when you reach and keep reaching.  Keep coming back...love and hugs



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Paula
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