The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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Just got back home today with my son. Big reunion with our dog. My spouse got a moving truck this morning and moved to a two bedroom apt. about 5 minutes away by car. It took the intervention of friends who helped him find someplace and then helped him move, and just talk sanity to him. We spent weeks in the shelter waiting for the lightbulb to go on that he needed to be the one to move right away and his son needed to be in his own bed. While he was dithering, refusing to leave the house and missing work, his work decided to lay him off along with 50 others. So now I have no idea how long we can pay the mortgage. I guess I'm living that one day at a time credo, because I have to, I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I am exhausted. Cleaned the fridge first thing (moldy food from before we left) and grocery shopped and walked the dog. He is demanding access to his son, a visit so I'm going to take my boy down to the coffee shop near his place and work on my computer for an hour while they visit. I have no custody agreement yet. I decided not to hire a lawyer but the advice I got is the poor way he treated his son does not meet the legal definition of abuse so there is nothing I can do, I have to give him access. So I figured why spend tens of thousands of dollars only to end up in the same place as without a lawyer. I have to give him access. My heart aches. I haven't let my husband supervise my son on his own for months now because my son said he needed me there. I want them to visit. I just want my spouse to get into therapy of some kind and recognize the need to change his behavior.
So I was broken. Then I pulled myself together and gave my son a safety plan. I told him he can decide if and how long he wants to visit with Dad and I will support his decision. If he is ever with his Dad and his Dad is mistreating him (angry, yelling, behaving erratically due to alcohol or stress), he can call for help. Dial 911 and then dial Mommy. If he can't get to the phone, he can run out the door and ask a neighbor for help. And I also told him that goes for Mom too. If mom is behaving strangely and not herself, or seems really unwell, you can also call 911 and get help for Mom! He also has a list of three people he can talk to if he just needs to talk about anything. He does not have to keep secrets. He can talk about what is bothering him. He will not get into trouble for asking for help. And if the first person can't help, just keep asking.
Today I talked long distance to my brother and he said sell that house and come back east. And I said, the problem is I have to have his permission to sell the house and he's not going to agree to sell unless he can't find a job and can't pay the mortgage. So I'm going to hang on here and get to my alanon meetings, and job hunt (always good to be able to have my own source of income) and get my son to his wonderful school and sport activities and see what happens. I don't know how I will manage my son's school schedule and even look after the dog if I get a job. I don't know if anyone will hire me having been out of the workforce awhile and so busy solving hubby's problems these last few years, but I'm going to just do what I have to do, one day at a time. The nice thing is my brother said not to worry, I can always come there if I don't have a home. I told my son that is our back up back up back up plan. No more shelter. He asked me what if his dad doesn't get better? I told him his dad loved him and even if dad doesn't move back with us here, his dad is going to work at being a better dad. Fingers crossed. And if his Dad doesn't get well, I was going to give him a home where there's no yelling anymore and where he doesn't have to be scared.
This week I am getting some dental work done before his coverage runs out, and seeing an employment counsellor and I'm going to get the locks changed tomorrow. And I'm going to get some rest, and maybe get to a yoga class. I'm going to hug the dog and hug my son (not too much though because he's getting to be so independent now!)
I ran into my friend's husband who offered support to my husband and he told me: "XXX loves you and loves your son. In a marriage where there is infidelity it is very hard to work things out but there is no problem that way here, so things are going to work out. I'm saying prayers for you." So I said thank you for his efforts but I'm thinking in my head: I wish it was another woman, I really do, not this thing that it is, this disease that steals the heart and soul of a man and turns him into a stranger. Another woman. I should be so lucky. ;)
I hear you, I feel you. You are not alone. Just keep focused on One Day At A Time. We can get through anything if we remember that we turned our lives over to the CARE of a loving God, who truly has our best interest at heart and will be with us every step of the way!
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Hi Forest, Im glad you and your son are back home. It is such a sad situation but at least you are thinking clearly and putting your son first. It sounds as if you have accepted the situation and I think that allows you to make clear decisions. Alanon meetings would really help you through this. I remember also wishing my ex had had an affair or something 'normal' because that would have been easier in some ways. Alcoholism takes so much of the person away and its not a fight we can win in any way. Its not our fight it is theirs and depends on them wanting recovery. You have people on this forum who have walked your shoes and really understand so keep posting here and allowing others to reach out to you. Take care.x
Hugs ff, I'm highly surprised that you were not able to get tro for yourself that extended to your child as well. In situations of domestic violence it shouldn't cost you to talk to a legal person. Plus you can received counseling. I really would encourage you to look into some social service programs. You need to feed your child and yourself. You have a lot more power in terms of visitation, especially if he has a record of any king and it's active.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You sound like a lighthouse standing strong and bright in the midst of a storm...wow. Although the time away was anguish for you, what a difference between this post and the last one you posted. Isn't it amazing how sane we find out we are when the crazy person isn't in our space? I remember so clearly how it felt for me when I time and space away from my husband. He was left to sit in his S_ _ _ and I was left to sit in a glimpses of sanity. I love your post and I so know what you are experiencing. Prayers to you and your family.
Thinking of you and wishing you continued strength and clarity. You are thinking about all of this the way I wish I had in a similar situation (I think I said that last time! It's still true!).
Good for you for having your own solid reasoning (which I totally agree with, BTW) regarding the male friend's comment about no infidelity. I remember other people wanting badly for my marriage not to break up, and saying similar things to me, which made me roll my eyes.
Thank you for all the support. People say things intending to be helpful but they are actually painful. One helpful friend said he thinks of course I can get a job and be a single parent and find a rental and look after my son and look after our dog and do it all, AND that ALL women should work and he thinks even in my case (where the 14 year marriage bounced me around the country and I continually had to re- establish and find new ways to earn while he flew to Brazil and so on for work and was not available at all for our son and only in the last year and a half been a fulltime Mom etc) that I should get max 2 years of spousal support and then fly on my own. Meanwhile hubby is in the highest earning years of his life with a six figure plus income (when he bothers to get along with colleagues and keep a job), and when I did earn I paid off his legal debts, and covered the mortgage for him during the lean years when he couldn't buy a job because EI didn't even cover food, never mind the mortgage. And by the way I really should get my son some counselling because his behavior is off this week (uh huh we just got back from 3 weeks in a shelter). And that all my hubby's odd and irrational behavior is really just him not dealing with the conflict between us. And he wouldn't REALLY hurt my son, come on now, I'm just exaggerating this and turning little things into more than they are. Uh huh!
Really just between you and me, I wake up in the night worried. I worry that I'm not as strong as everybody says. I worry that if I do get a job and can't be there for my son it will send him into a tailspin because he's already lost his Dad who can't be counted on for consistent patient love and appropriate parenting, or who may well get a job right out of the country and be GONE. I think about the summer coming and yes he could go to camp but my son has never liked camp. He's littler than the other kids his age and can sometimes get picked on. And we are still new here so there is little support from other friend's parents. I can't buddy him up with someone for camp, not for the whole summer anyway. And somehow through all this, I've lost my sass, my I can do anything, face anything confidence. And this is much a part of my personality. I don't know where I left it, but it's gone. I always had the answers, I always had a plan, I always could put together at the last minute when all the chips are down, a creative, leap of faith, save the day move that wouldn't leave us broke, penniless and homeless.
Yesterday I took video games away from my son for the rest of the afternoon because I was troubled by his behavior. He had a friend over, and ignored him, just playing video games by himself. He didn't like that I took the game away, that I was asking him to phone and say sorry to his friend. I took him for a walk in the forest with the dog, and all along the trail, he yelled, howled and punched and kicked me. He called me an idiot. I just kept walking. He held onto my jacket and yelled. I said calm now. I just kept talking. I just kept walking. I told him there are better ways to get rid of anger and to pick up a stick and he could whack at all the ferns along the way (not something I usually allow). And behind me for a half hour all I heard was whack whack whack. The stick broke. I said find another one. Its ok. He has a right to be mad. We came home and he was better. We had dinner, watched a kids movie. Then at night he was scared and didn't want to be alone. It's going to take time to make things right for him. I guess that's why I wake up at 3:30 am. Trying to process, trying to figure things out.
