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im new to this but goin through a lot of s*** that i hope someone out there understands. i met my boyfriend 18 months ago when we were both in treatment for alcohol abuse. i have been sober since but hes not been so lucky. we were just friends to start andhe started to drink and i distanced myself from him then he stopped and went back to treatment. i started to visit and thats when we got together. it months ago today we had our first kiss and i was on top of the world. i fell for him hard. he drank again and went into treatment again and i stood by him. hes only been out 3 weeks and he drinking again. i cant stand by him again. i know in my head i cant change him but it doesnt stop me thinking "if he loved me as much as he says he does why cant he stop for us" im just so hurt. i dont know how to get past these feelings. i still love him so much.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 13th of April 2013 06:51:12 AM
I am sorry that you are dealing with the alanon side of this disease so early into your own recovery. I know that it is suggested that we make no major life changes for the first year in program The reason for this is that we are changing and growing and discarding behavior that does not work for us ay longer. I am glad that you found your sobriety and is it is possible I suggest that you check out alanon meetings in your community and try to attend. It is here that we learn to accept that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless and for our own sanity and well being we must take care of ourselves and let go of trying to fix the alcoholic
You probably didn't stop "for him." He is not just one of many larger reasons you stay sober I presume. For me, it became abundantly clear that I needed to stay sober to have any kind of life at all. It does sound like you had this spiritual/psychic shift but he did not. It has little to do with you. I don't know how active you are in AA, but I've learned over my time in the rooms that it is basically a divine act of providence or God's grace when each of us receives the true message of recovery deep within. It's not a human power that got me sober. I could never do it for anyone else but I did it to have a life and stop feeling like I was dying inside. I did it because it finally sank in that no matter what I was going through, alcohol always wound up making it worse.
Your boyfriend may reach that point in time, but you, me...other folks are generally powerless over when or if this clicks in for him. My greater concern is that it seems that it has clicked in for you and having received that gift....never never forsake it and your sobriety is so much more important than anything else. Without it you would die and not have a chance at a better life including a future relationship with someone who can meet your needs.
Lorraine...I want to tell you that I also carried on a relationship with someone against suggestion in my 1st year of sobriety. It did not make me relapse but it slowed down my growth. I turned that other person into a crutch and used them almost like a drug. I clung to them and wanted them to change so much and that slowed down all the scariness of the changes that were occurring and needed to keep occuring with me getting sober.
So essentially, I reached a point (which ironically was at about a year and a half sober) where the relationship had to end and I really focused on me. I outgrew him and the relationship. The upside of this is that I believe you may be outgrowing this relationship also. Yeah, it's normal to want the happy relationship where you are both in recovery and staying sober and on the same page but it's part of your growth and confronting codependency to recognize when the other person is not the one and when they are not on the same track.
Whatever happens, don't sabotage your own recovery over him. Later on (if you are anything like me looking back on my relationship I had in my first 18 months sober) you will question WTH you were doing with that guy anyhow and just shake your head knowing you deserve so much more and that you don't have time or energy in your life for people who suck the life out of you and can't be what you want them to be.
thanks guys it nice to know others went through similar and came out the other side. it is like giving up drink again getting used to him not being around. its trying to get that fine line between staying away from him and knowing he ok (physically at least). i cant say i going to cut him out altogether just yet. i go to aa regularly and i have came to accept all that came with my own drinking and definately dont want to go back there. this is making it all the harder to see the appeal of the life he went back to. we had fun and while he was sober it was great. i just cant understand why he left that to go back to the horror i know hes in. thats why i came here to talk to other friends or family of alcoholics about how they got over this feeling of being "abandoned" and let down.
I don't know if this will help, however I have been working on my own expectations of what I think someone should or shouldn't be doing in terms of their own recovery. It still doesn't keep it from stinging from time to time, I can see where my own part is in I'm expecting someone else to think I like do and the reality is that they just don't. He's not a bad guy, .. he's not well, the behavior is completely unhealthy. I have decided for myself that I have to get off the ride, it's not good for myself and the kids.
It's like having a detox from my own addiction of (trying to fix him) the addict .. because if I fix him then really .. there is nothing wrong with me .. how crazy is that? Looking for my own validation in someone else. I feel better when I don't see or talk about him. I feel worse when either happens in an obsessive way.
It's not to say I have got it perfect .. I can certainly see and feel where I fall down from time to time.
Keep coming back, I have found until I choose to do something different I keep getting the same results which for me equals getting together with another addict.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and under the influence of it all is altered for me...mind, body, spirit and emotions and when I try to use these assets and expect sober, sane and serene results I don't get them and sometimes I stand there scratching my head and thinking "I don't get it" why can't everything in my life be good now? Why because I don't have enough recovery and also maybe I'm hanging on to the same population I was hanging with before I stopped drinking and getting into sanity. So you love an alcoholic...and maybe you just love being in love which for me was called switching addictions. For me that was accurate because I use to have relationships only with women affected by addictions. If they had their lives in order I had nothing to do with them...if they were screwed up I had everything to do with them and I married some of them. I'm hearing you have outgrown this person and maybe not the idea that you need to be needed or it feels good to be paid attention to by anyone...just anyone. That one was me until I became aware that I was still relying on addicted people to verify and verify me. It took a long time for me to stop that and I'll admit that it took my HP to work overtime to pull me out of it. I learned how to love in the program and what I learned wasn't even close to what I was practicing before it which was the tap root into my pride and ego. Important awarenesses came in the understanding between loving and needing. Today I can love unconditionally without needing to keep anyone person, place or thing available to and for me so that I feel complete. Walking away isn't a moral disability or a sign that you are not a loving person. Walking away is a sign that you value your self and your recovery and have learned that "No" is a complete sentence when the disease attempts to pull you back into the crises and chaos. Leave with compassion and empathy on equal measures for him and yourself and still...leave the influence. In support (((((hugs)))))
thanks for the advice guys. i know he an amazing guy and if we met in 2 or 3 years when we both properly sober we would click but thats just not how it is. i not ready to give up hope that some day we can be happy but i do accept that for now thats not going to happen. i think in time i will let go but not ready to just yet. i know he may never get sober. its tough to let go of someone you love so much. i think what really sealed it for me is this thursday my dad was 3 years dead. he knew how cut up i was about it and chose to drink wednesday instead of being there for me. i understand he has a disease but i have it too and have been tried over the last 18 months. i chose not to drink, he had that choice too and chose to drink rather then take the harder way out and stick to the sober life. i hate him for that but still love him at the same time.
Lorraine, this is definetely the time to stay focused on yourself. Early recovery relationships can send us into a tailspin. This is a time when we need to be developing a relationship with ourselves, people in the program and with our Higher Power. Until that is done, we are still on shaky ground as alcoholics.
We cannot interupt someone else's path. As you probably well know by now, each of us had to find our own bottom. I found it with alcohol and drugs... well, I wasn't looking for it, it just smacked the dog sh*t out of me (many times) and finally got my attention.... and then I had to hit several emotional bottoms related to loving other alcoholics.. friends, family and lovers. It hurts like hell. That's when I finally surrendered and found my way into the rooms of Al-Anon. I hope you'll consider letting this situation that sounds extremely painful be your own bottom, and surrender. We didn't get sober, to live a life that is less than... as alcoholics we don't need any one else's help to do that. We got sober because continuing down that path was way to miserable and painful... why would we want to be volunteers to engage ourselves in the misery and pain of another active alcoholic, when we are still trying to keep our own head above water?
Please, consider getting to some Al-Anon meetings.
As I once heard one of my sponsee's say after declaring his girlfriend was crazy... "She didn't seem that bad in the psych hospital I met her at!" LOL
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
