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I am feeling really hurt and let down and disillusioned. I think part of me hadn't really accepted the idea that I can't change him, I thought deep down he would quit for me, that he loved me enough to do it. I know I felt that way when his addiction first became a par tof our marrige and I struggled when i asked and ryied and begged and it didnt happen. I really didn't think I still beleived it. Part of me thought OK I finnaly put my foot down I kicked him out, and said don't come back til you quit. But I really thought he would come back. Get help, grovel, make up to me and then we would move on. I never really thought that he would keep going. I dont think I can have him come back. I struggled with it this week because we had never been apart and I love him so much. But tonight it became clear that he is still using ans lieing still.
He had been staying at his ex wifes apartment at night, she works and I babysit her kid. So the apaetment is vacant and she lets him stay. She is really wise to meth and has a few family members who do and my hubby did when he was around her years ago. She thought he might have been last night. First he was tired and sleepy but he woke up at 4am and was full of energy and tools weer on table along with is dvd player when she got home. He told me today he sold a saw worth 500 for 200 cash and he used it all for part to fix the other equipment for customers. But we needed that money for rent on monday. We needed all 500. He still hasn't fixed the stuff he has parts for, and I didn't see any parts in his truck. He gave me $50 for something he fixed today. He is still packing around a dvd player and case of movies that I don't appreciate to where he's staying. He never watched that stuff before meth and is obssessed with it now. Which hurts.
at 3pm he said he would be leaving here for an hour(dropping off work) than comming back to hang with kids and eat dinner then fix two more machines. I talked to him at 7pm he said he could be here in 10 min he was at J**** house his friend/dealer who is helping him with work. He said he might stay to help him fix his truck the ball joints need replacing. I said kids were going to bed in 1 hour so time was limited. He said he would hurry. At 8 I texted him he appologized he had to work on his own truck so he wouldn't be pulled over might be another hour. I txt him if he is doing anything with J***** then he shouldnt' come over that I loved him but that was not allowed here. If he was being good kids would love to see him and I would as well. He never wrote back its been half hour. I just think he is using and it is breaking my heart. He starts inpatient treatment monday morning, so there is hope that may work. But I really thought deep down I would put my foot down, it would be hard but it would teach him a lesson and he wouldn't do it agian. I didn't realize it til tonight. But he is choosing meth over me and our family. I have no idea where to go from here...
Now the weekend is here, the kids are going to catch on that dad isn't living here, he is coming over less and less. I have no idea what to say. My family is going to catch on, I don't know what to say there either I had been lying and covering. Saying he is working far away, he'll be home late. I am so unprepared to be a single parent to three kids, raise them, support them, with no one for me to lean on. I am not even the legal guardian for my step son, both is parents are meth addicts right now. I jsut feel like this is my rock bottom. I keep hitting the bottom then... suprise I slide further down. We had a baby die in my arms earlier this year from a heart defect, lost our business, almost lost our house, saw my husband on cocain, pills, drunk, on meth, and now this. I know the bible says God only gives you what you can handle... but I am seriously on overload and so close to just giving up tonight.
I am so sorry that you have experienced such painful times this past year. The loss of a child is so very difficult and the pain is long lasting . I too had to hit bottom more than once before I finally understood that this is a disease over which I am powerless It was when t I finally accepted this that I could make constructive choices for my family without thinking I could manipulate the outcomes
My heart goes out to you! I grew up with both my parents active addicts and I married an alcoholic. I used to want to save my exhusband soooo bad and I felt like I wasn't enough, but when I realized it wasn't a competition and I wanted things from him he didn't have to give it actually was a relief. He like my parents were not capable of filling my needs or big emptiness within and I was not capable of doing the work for any of them that they needed to do for themselves. I learned to get out of the way and to take better care of myself thanks to al-anon, MIP and my sponsor. My sponsor was so kind and patient, but tough when I needed it and well times I needed it. I was not God and when I got tired of crazy town I made a different choice and tried living in serenityville. It takes a lot of effort and change which can be scary, but what you are facing already sounds chaotic. You are worth it! Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it helped me so much to learn and grow and many books from Melody Beattie helped and many many face to face meetings. I can remember feeling the way you feel and I was exhausted and miserable and at my bottom right where I needed to be to find and dive into al-anon and it has been nothing but better since. That was 2 years ago, I pray that you are here cheering on someone else reminding you of where you have been in the near future! I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you... I just can't stop crying. I just am sitting up waiting for kids to fall asleep.. thinking what in the world do I do now? I am all alone and I have to hold it together for our kids. How in the hell do I make this work?
One step at a time -- you don't have to know how to do it all right now. You only have to manage the next day, maybe plan for the next week, then as things get more settled plan a little further out ... etc. I was terrified when I started out but amazingly I found the fear was worse than the reality. One thing I didn't realize till I experienced it is that there is a peace that comes from not having an addict around. The unpredictability of addiction really wears on you. What's he doing, what state is he going to be in when he comes home, can I trust him when he tells me something? There is a great peace from not having that around. The up side of having everything be up to you is that you can be sure that the person it's all up to will do what's needed!
About the kids ... they are more resilient and also more observant than we sometimes think. I bet they caught to the fact that something mysterious is going on with dad and that "we don't talk about it." It's not the information that's scary to kids, it's the mystery. I think telling them something of what addiction is and explaining that dad has addiction and that he needs to get better on his own time scale and that it's up to you all to lead good lives while wishing him the best -- that's the kind of short message that may be a relief to them. My observation is that it's often more painful for the parent than for the kids. Because we know the whole big sad picture while they're more day-to-day. But being in a home without an addict, and having more predictability and emotional health, will be a great blessing for your kids.
I can't remember if you have a meeting? It's good to have every source of support available. Sending you hugs.
Rinn - I wrote this a few months ago. Replace "alcohol" with "meth." I'm NOT the end all when it comes to recovery or addiction, but I hope this helps some with your feelings of powerlessness and loss:
This is something I have been reading in several posts from folks lately. Comments like "He/She chose the alcohol over me" and "He chose the alcohol over his family." I just wanted to throw in my opinion (whatever it's worth) on this because this line of thinking only causes hurt to the nonalcoholic family member and it's unnecessary.
I can tell you that when I was in my active drinking, I honestly thought I could keep all the balls up in the air. I thought I could be a good partner, family member, worker, and still drink like I did. I never thought that alcohol was in competition with anyone else in my life or anything. If anyone had stated that, my immediate thought would have been "They just don't get it." Of course I see now that I was being controlled by alcohol, but in the midst of it....ALL ALCOHOLICS AND ADDICTS believe they have it under control. They all believe they can have their cake and eat it too. If they believe it causes damage at all, they believe they can make up for it later. This is the nature of alcoholism and addiction. The bottle and/or the drug literally influences the person to believe nothing is at stake...When we (alcoholics/addicts) actually do start losing people and things, then alcohol becomes the comforter. It never wins. I just wanted to say that nobody EVER goes "I think I will chose drinking over my spouse and family" even though it seems that way to anyone watching from the outside.
At first it (the alcohol) appears to be a magic elixer that fixes problems, then when it starts causing the problems we are confused and by that point, we are slave to the bottle. Not saying this in hopes that anyone puts up with more BS from an alcoholic/addict than they should, but I am saying it so that hopefully someone might see that it's never a choice between alcohol and the people alcoholics love (or should love at least). Ideally, I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they lost in a battle with alcohol. Alcohol never wins - it only takes and it only destroys.
Nobody loves alcohol more than they love their family or spouse, they are just completely deluded into thinking they can have both. In the latter stages, a person is so owned by alcoholism that the notion of not drinking actually seems absurd.
Anyhow, the main point is - To answer the maddening question "Why can't he or she chose me/the family over the booze???!!" It's because the alcoholic never saw it as a competition and by the time it became that way, it was too late.
Please don't view yourself as a loser to alcohol. Everyone here is a miracle for living through some of the things we have as far as this disease is concerned.
Rinn, you are not alone. In 2011 I experienced a year of barely hanging on. Starting with my 19 year old step son getting killed and heavy heartbreaks over and over again. I made it through one day at a time. What helped me was instead of asking HP why? I asked HP to HELP!
Thank you everybody... I ended up texting him and telling him how I was feeling last night. He came over and we talked. I felt a little better, he was going to spend today with kids. But this AM he was looking for his smokes...only we was checking every pocket an really worked up, then asked for like 20 min in garage to be alone. I gave him about 5 just enough to get settle to what ever he was going to do then walked out and said HI, just cheking up wanted to make sure he was making good choies while he was here. he got all upset, and acusatory ( I wont let it go, sneeking around et.) I just ignored it and said if he is here he isn't using. If he spends time with us, drugs are not allowed. If he was intending to use to go, and come back another time when he can be away from it. I took kids to mcdonalds for breakfast and to play. When I came back he was gone. I am trying my best to remain detached but firm and kind.
I read that meth labs are so toxic. And if the police find children in a home where it is being cooked, they get them out of there immediately. Is residual smoke on a meth user's clothes, hands, face, hair a danger to children he might contact after smoking?
I am sure that I don't know the answer to that.
And if CPS got wind that the child is still around a meth user, would they be likely to put him into foster care?
I know you have so many painful things to think about. My first thought always goes to the children. I don't know much about the whole meth subject, except that it is insidious in the way it erodes the people who use it, and that the manufacture of it is dangerous to everybody in a pretty wide radius.
Good luck! Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Rinn, You will get through this. It is so valuable to read posts like Pinkchip's, as his perspective is different than those of us who are not addicted to a substance. Our HP has to flatten us to get us to look up....you are flattened. You are addicted to your husband and he has been providing you fixes throughout this experience, and that is what it is, an experience. A painful, hellish experience. You have a light filled life ahead of you but you won't know what it looks like until you give up your addiction (him) and roll around in step one. Telling your children and your family the truth may feel like humiliation, but it is really divine humility and the truth will help to set you free each time you fess up. I know you love your husband and you have to let go or he will eat you up. I agree with Temple, you have to look at this whole meth situation and the safety issue for your children. Losing them either to CPS or death may put you over your edge. You had asked about a sponsor a few days ago...get one asap. I know I cut to the chase, but that is what got me out of my hell. I had someone cut to the chase with me. Take good care..hugs
It takes a lot of time to see that as hopeless as a situation feels there is always hope for us. There are so many wise people on this board who have been where you are at or at least have had some similar experiences. Sending love and support.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If love and all the efforts of family and friends could solve the alcoholic or addicts obsession to drink or use, we would not need a program like Al-Anon, nor would there be a reason for AA. The fact is, love doesn't treat the disease. Silent treatments, yelling, withholding affections, moving in or out, sneaking around and spying, financial despair, even homelessness, and the world becoming not any bigger than a quarter, doesn't slow down an alcoholic or addict until THEY hit bottom. If our bottom was good enough for them, we'd gladly share it with them... but it doesn't work.
We just need to let it begin with ourselves. Learn to make healthy decisions. To honor those decisions. Protect ourselves and those young ones from the defestation of this disease, and trust our Higher Power to get us through each day; say a simple one word prayer each day. "Help". It's a whole sentence. And end each day with a two word prayer, "Thank You". And then watch the miracles unfold in your life, one day at a time, one step at a time.
There seems to be a misconception that Al-Anon's are weakly and vunerable. The fact is we are strong, we endure, we are determined. The issue is... where we are focusing our strength, our endurance and our determination. It's merely time we did for ourselves what we so willing do for others every day. Care enough, to rescue ourselves, to fix our own lives, and let our Higher Power guide us in that process.
You are doing a great job! Don't let anyone else tell you different and don't listen to your brain a whole lot right now. Regardless of what it is telling you, that creates fear, you are taking care of yourself and your child and that is a very good thing to focus on and do each day.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I read that meth labs are so toxic. And if the police find children in a home where it is being cooked, they get them out of there immediately. Is residual smoke on a meth user's clothes, hands, face, hair a danger to children he might contact after smoking?
I am sure that I don't know the answer to that.
And if CPS got wind that the child is still around a meth user, would they be likely to put him into foster care?
I know you have so many painful things to think about. My first thought always goes to the children. I don't know much about the whole meth subject, except that it is insidious in the way it erodes the people who use it, and that the manufacture of it is dangerous to everybody in a pretty wide radius.
Good luck! Temple
Actually, I just delt with that as we just got custody of my step son. His mom and her girlfriend were using meth in home with 4 kids for past 6 months CPS refused to get involved for long time. They said they no longer take kids for parents using meth. Only if neglect or abuse because of drug use. Messed up huh? We had to get attorney and fight in family court as CPS wouldnt get involved. She even came to CPS and asked for help and they paid for rehab. She walked out after a week and refused treatment. CPS still won't take the remaining kids. crazy!
I agree whole hearted that drugs should never be around kids. It is horrible and makes people bad parents. When you are addicted your addiction comes first and kids deserve better. Meth maked a person paranoid, reclusive, irrational, and flat out strange. The residue from a lab is far more toxic than a regular user residue. but i find it disturbing just the same. I washed EVERYTHING when I found out about the use. Clothes, walls, floor. I called a friend who does crime scene clean up and she said i was way over kill. it breaks down very easily and vingar cleans the residue beter than anything.
Plus he only did it outside in a little shed not in house or around kids, they still dont know he has a problem. Thank fully they are young.
I have a little more hope now. We will see how it goes. Inthe mean time I found a church for me and kids, a few jobs, told a few close people I can lean on, and my husband and I are talking and I an communicate my hurt which helps me. I guess his treatment program has sessions for me to get counsiling with him too. I hope he can make it.
He started treatment now and can't use they are testing him random UA's while in treatment. I am letting him come back while he is in treatment.
rhinn, my son is an active alcoholic. was with his wife and 2 children (now 14 and 3yr. old) for many years. wife left him a year ago. they are now divorced. my beautiful 14 year old granddaughter was recently released from a psychiatric hospital. many of her issues had to do with living in an alcoholic home and being exposed to the insanity for so many years. the pain of watching mom and dad fight, argue. watching dad drink every day. watching the physical abuse. and it was all "hush hush" never talked about. the elephant in the middle of the room that no one ever mentioned. when this all came out in the hospital, child protective was notified and they deemed my son to be abusive to his children.
children do see what is going on. and they have fears and insecurites that they are not sure how to release. they don't know who to talk to about it because no one is talking about it. my granddaughter stuffed it down. unfortunately she became suicidal and very depressed. fortunately she is getting help.
as for her father, he has lost everything that is important to him. his family, his job, his self-worth. he continues to drink daily. i love him unconditionally whether or not he is drinking. he is a grown man. he can live his life the way he chooses. he has tools to use to help him get better. and i have learned to stay out of it..... that's his stuff.
