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I know that in general, "moving on" and "not letting others' behavior cause you unhappiness" are considered good steps towards recovery. But I don't think I'm ready for that part yet -- I think before you can move on from pain and anger, you have to be able to have them first!
That probably doesn't make any sense, so I'll try to give an example: When I was a kid (and to this day) my dad used to have outbursts where he would say very nasty, hurtful things. And later apologize with an apology-that's-not-an-apology -- it starts off as an apology, but then turns into justification of his behavior and explanation why you are wrong to feel the way you do, and by the time he's done you believe him and feel guilty for your reaction.
These days the invalidation has become automatic, it doesn't even take an apology-that's-not-an-apology anymore, I do it to myself. As soon as I start to notice myself feeling angry or hurt it immediately comes to my mind that I am being a stupid drama queen, that I am either wrongly outraged over some cutting-down-to-size I deserved (but I think too highly of myself to admit that I deserved it), or I am being oversensitive. And then my feelings kind of disappear -- I don't feel better, I can't consciously feel them any more.
As a teenager, I used to cut myself, mainly as a way of proving my feelings were right -- "I wouldn't be doing this if there wasn't a good reason to be upset, therefore since I am doing this there WAS a good reason to be upset". But I (mostly) quit doing that, and without that, I lose the feelings and they just become me being a dumb drama queen reacting in ways not justified by the situation.
I imagine there are other Al-Anon members who have recovered from similar problems with your own emotions... how do you handle this? How do you convince yourself that your hurt and anger are valid, real emotions and that they are a justifiable, appropriate response to whatever situation caused them?
-- Edited by atheos on Thursday 11th of April 2013 07:30:09 PM
Very good question that I am currently working on myself. I have also denied my feelings for years and most of the time I swallow them and they come out through resentment and I'll will. I am using the steps and they help. Working through them tends to help me know myself better and face my feelings. Thanks for sharing, wish I had more experience to share.
Hugs A, I think I get what you are dealing with and can relate in broader terms. I try and check in with myself through out the day. How do I feel and what is going on sometimes even what time is it. I will give myself permission to feel or I can address it at a different time. I really try to make sure I'm not stuffing what I'm feeling. So if it's anger as an example I can stop myself look at what is going on and say this is how I feel and it's ok. I feel angry. It's ok to feel angry, it's only a feeling it's not a lifestyle. I can then address am I HHALTing in some way? What needs in me can I address to help myself? What do I do to stop myself from feeling angry? I swallow a lot when I'm angry about something. I find I swallow my feeling. I do this with sadness as well, interesting considering I tell myself to suck it up. Lol. Anyways, hope that helps or gives you some ideas on a different approach. Most of all I focus on progress not perfection and not being hard on me. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The 12 steps teaches us a new way of living- our attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behavior. Al-anon gives us the courage the strength to overcome our problems and deal with life on life's terms.
That's why we encourage attending meetings, getting a sponsor and doing the steps and start living a good life again.
Let go and let HP take care of you....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I used to really have a problem with that. I wasn't brought up in a way that it was acceptable to show your neg emotions. Then my first husband was very controling and manipulative and i was always 'wrong' until I just never had an opinion or feeling of my own. Its like I just felt what ever he thought I should. I was so great at it that he didn't even say stuff and it was like he was my inner voice. it was messed up. To stop bottling things and start recognizing my emotions and seld validating the emotions I felt. I started journaling about what was going on and the more I wrote the more I felt. Then I could re read it and see I had some very valid feelings. It took a few years of trying to see that what I feel is ok... whatever it is. It is my perspective and it is ok. I don't have to feel anything or see anything because someoen tells me. My current husband helped a lot with that. He was very patient and helped me talk through stuff. Just know that when you get intouch with your thoughts they are yours and OK to have. No one has the right to tell you what you feel isn't valid. If they do THEY might have a problem.
I learned to feel my emotions again going through the steps with my sponsor and going to counseling to get through some old crap from childhood I needed to dig out and heal through. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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