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Hello all. These past few days since AH entered rehab (Sat night) have been horrible, but I'm still alive! :) I've had panic attacks (first in YEARS), nightmares, crying fits, etc. etc., but last night was the first I've felt anger in a while. And it was GOOD!
AH called Monday night, then didn't again until late last night. I know being cut off is part of the program, and I've never asked/expected him to call every day, so while it was sad (first time in 15+ years we haven't had some sort of contact every day), I was ok. Then he called last night to ask me to call the pharmacy and give them our cc number (he can't have one with him so it has to go through me). Then he went into how he won't be calling as much because "we call the phone the 'portal to hurt'" and how "I'm here for 30 days and if I called you every day I'd tear my hair out". WTH do you think I've been doing for the last 2 years bucko?! Portal to hurt?! Yes, it's a portal to the realities of pain and suffering YOU HAVE CAUSED, and not AT ALL because of what I say/do (I have been nothing but supportive and positive these 2 years, first as an enabler, lol, but then through the tools of Al-Anon. I have expressed a million times that we will deal with US after he deals with HIM.) OH BOY... I didn't say anything negative to him, but boy was I PISSED! I went outside and silently screamed every cuss word I could think of and cussed him out in silence (with lots of flayling arms and looking like a crazed person! )
I went from sad/obsessed with what HE was doing to being pissed and focused on ME and MY hurt/needs. It was a short outburst, and I'm not dwelling on it, but HP knew it was just enough to knock me back to reality. I'm not focused on my hurts today, but that the reality of the situation is that I AM WORTHY. I am worthy of love, support, truth, etc. and I will cling to that. I'm still sad today (went to a ceremony at our daughter's school that we always go to together), but I'm also in a much better place due to my knock on the head from God. :)
Anger got me to Al-Anon and anger got me out of my funk. I'm looking for a therapist to help me through the anger/resentment in a healthy way, but for now I'm thankful that anger has motivated me to a better place.
I too found that anger was a great motivator as long as I did not hold on to it and used it to focus on constructive actions for myself. The 4th through th 11 th Step helped me with the deep anger and resentments
oooh do I love what I just read in your post...and you had enough control to not dump on him, hooray for you! A sponsor would be valuable, as this is so so tough to maneuver through. hugs to you
Yep, anger motivated me to a better place too, but I'm still working on it. About 2 weeks ago I decided to finally TRY to let go of some of my anger, because I was so totally miserable. That is just no way to live. I have "lapsed" about 6 times, but in all but 1 time I was able to reign it back in. I think after "exercising" my anger for so long I am going to have to re-learn how to not get angry. Anyway, thanks for the share! :)
Thank you for your wonderful share. I was laughing at "calling the phone the portal of hell" and the whining on the other end. Sounds just like a spoiled 2 year old. So oblivious to the hurt they leave behind. All about them. UGH!!! You are entitled to your anger and outbursts, and you will get better in keeping that anger from ruining your day. I,m still trying to master it.
Ahhh yes, king baby in full effect, portal of hurt lol .. I like that!! Anger for me was a safe place to go so I could move past some pain. I'm now dealing with the back lash of staying to long. So make sure it's a visit not a check in stay. I love the fact you are motivated for change!!! Hugs!! P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I went from sad/obsessed with what HE was doing to being pissed and focused on ME and MY hurt/needs. It was a short outburst, and I'm not dwelling on it, but HP knew it was just enough to knock me back to reality. I'm not focused on my hurts today, but that the reality of the situation is that I AM WORTHY. --------------------------------------- That is what anger does for me too. It makes me focus on me because I am too mad at him to even think about him. That is a good thing..... I came into AlAnon confused about what was happening. I didn't think it was affecting me as much as it was. As I went to meetings I got angrier and angrier. I became a victim and thought it was all so unfair. Yes, it is unfair, but it is what it is. Now I move on to it. If I am mad it is because of a specific thing, not a general "unfairness". And then I can plan my action to make sure that thing never happens again because I am out of the target path. Even though he has been in AA for 13 years he still does things that he is oblivious to and that hurt people. Just last week I had to put up a boundary and tell him not to speak to me like that... to use that tone of voice. He was oblivious to his tone. (Then he got embarrassed and went to watch the ball game alone.)
You have to take care of yourself. Don't worry about anger. Use it as a motivator.
The 30 days is a magical time for you to detach (from him) and pay much closer attention to you, and your program of recovery.... For me, I would NOT have been able to do this with my A calling every day from Rehab, so try to see this whole thing as a positive blessing...
Just my two bits
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
While still a selfish comment, I'm thinking he meant the "portal of hurt" thing to mean if he called you daily he would never make it because he'd be missing you so much. Not because talking to your hurts him in a bad way. Missing you hurts him. In early recovery everything hurts people. They have no ability to handle conflict and emotions. Even hearing news that a loved one has like a case of the hiccups will become a big drama to everyone and they will share in the meetings how stressed they are because "so and so is struggling with hiccups while I am here in this awful rehab." Comical in a way if it weren't so true and pitiful. However - I could be wrong and I'm also sure there are a portion of folks in there that call the phone "the portal of hurt" because all of their significant others and family are ready to scream at them for the mess they left (justifiably so).
I have been pondering working in a rehab setting for a while now and I think I might do phone call etiquette as a group topic. I did notice in my first year of recovery that I would ramble on and on for like an hour when talking to someone over the phone or in person without ever asking "How are you?" If I did ask "How are you?" I didn't wait to listen to the answer to that before starting to talk about myself again. This was pointed out to me multiple times and I still had trouble with it. It horrified me how self-centered I was cuz I thought I was this compassionate counselor person who had all these profound "feelings" and what not.
Generally speaking, if they stick with the program long enough, they gain interest in their fellows in AA/NA and from there they apply empathy and perspective taking to personal relationships with family/spouses. It takes some time though and even then selfishness and self-centeredness is probably the most stubborn of all character defects and the most prevalent one for alcoholics....even those with lengthy sobriety time. This has been the case for me at least.
Even if he's working a good recovery, it will STILL be "all about him" for a good while. It will be a healthier self-focus and self-absorption. For me, I was still dominating conversations and making everything apply to me but it was more like "Guess what I learned about ME ME ME today??" and "Everyone do a happy dance for ME ME ME cuz I acted like a grown up today and didn't get wasted!!! Yay ME!" But that was still a HUGE improvement over the active alcoholic who made it all about me in terms of excuse making to drink, self pity, and my problems being worse than everyone elses...blah blah.
So...this is only food for thought but it might help you detach more if you know that the phase of "all about me" lingers into recovery but shifts from negative to positive and that might be easier to tolerate even though it's still annoying I'm sure.
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