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I am traveling with my son right now in CA for one of his tennis tournaments and I had been having some great nights of sleep up until last night. As usual for when I travel, my AH has been sweet as pie on the phone and we act like one normal happily married couple. I keep ruminating over why I am so fearful of opening up more intimately with AH. I've discussed it here before so I won't bore you all with the details, LOL!
At least once a week I wake up with tears streaming down my face usually around 3 or 4 AM and then I can't fall back to sleep. I start having conversations with AH in my head, explaining my position and defending myself over and over until it's finally time for me to get up in the AM. Finally, last night I felt like I was slapped upside the head with a two by four and I realized the night I shut down and put that wall around my heart. It was the night we fought for hours and he said (shortened version) that every time we've had sex in our entire marriage, that he felt that I was going to call the police on him and report him as a rapist because I was a victim of rape many years ago. There were other things said and I brought up the hurt he caused with this conversation every so often and he'd just back up his belief and throw more fuel onto the fire. Finally, about 6 weeks later he apologized but I felt nothing. I didn't want to hug him, I didn't want to even be in the same room with him. I believe now that I truly felt violated, just not physically obviously. That night, he even asked me for sex after this conversation and he had a smirk on his face and that just made it worse. Like he knew what he was saying was painful and that he was going to enjoy every minute of watching my pain. Now, did he actually say this: NO, but that smile on his face came to me last night in my sleep and I started with the tears again.
So, what do I do with this information? He hasn't been drinking for about 5 weeks now. He's been more helpful around the house but I still feel like there's something missing in his 'new behavior'. I still get his snarky comments, he still gives me the silent treatment(for unknown reasons since he's being silent, lol), etc. He had said he wants a clean slate, he wants to start over. If I bring up the rape comment stuff, he starts yelling and saying, "I apologized for that so stop bringing it up." I just feel like I still have a lot of wounding from that night. Maybe it's me? Am I holding onto this for some reason in my mind? Why does this one incident bring me so much fear and pain when there are plenty of other episodes of hurtful things he's said and done?
He has a HUGE issue with the fact that I won't sleep in the same bed with him anymore but I can't sleep when he snores, which is now every night. Then, I realized last night that I can't sleep in the same bed with him anyway. I mean, how can I sleep in that bed with tears coming down my face while he's sleeping there thinking everything is going to be back to normal? I am just afraid that I will never get past it, that the pain that he caused was too deep to be repaired.
I had a vision last night of my broken heart being in pieces and that the pieces were scattered around the earth. I was walking the earth picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Then, AH would roll in and say something hurtful or glare at me or give the silent treatment, and another piece of my heart would fall away again. So, then I'd have to back track and go pick it up and put it back into place. This kept continuing until I was so exhausted and fell down weaping. In retrospect, since I was mostly asleep, I realize this has been my life. Picking up the pieces, trying to put it back together myself, and then being demoralized over and over again, and getting exhausted in the process. Sigh, it's only 9 AM and I'm already tired today. Thanks for reading, everyone!
I agree with the responses that you have received and would just like to say I am so sorry that you have such a broken heart.
What stuck me in reading your powerful post is that it may not just be your husband's unacceptable response to your the terrible rape incident in your past but his actions may have stirred up the original pain of the original assault and it might be beneficial for you to seek council on the rape as well as hubby;s response
Prayers for your peace.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 09:08:31 PM
I pray you will find the answers to your issues with you AH. Keeping yourself in a positive frame of mind and praying for the courage to make the hard decisions of what you want out of life. As you know you will never be able to change what your AH is doing or saying so what you want to be happy is where it's at.
I would say just enjoy your time with you son while in CA my friend.
One day at a time...
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Wow! Hugs to you Bonnie! I believe dreams are either a wish or fear we are trying to work out. When I am stuck on something I usually have to hand it over to my HP and pray on it. It's really hard to let go of the Hurt from the A actions and words and I think we need our HP help with that. Sending you my love and support. Do something nice for you today
Sending love and support during this difficult time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your story reminded me of something that happened with my A. To make a long story short, he did something painful to me, and when I brought it up (I even brought it up in my new calm "healthy" way!), he ridiculed me for it. The ridiculing hurt as much as the original thing. I kept thinking, "Why can't I get past this?" It bothered me for a long long time. I kept thinking, "But he is just this way, he doesn't understand about X, and I knew that, so what is my problem?" In my case it is as clear as day, now that several years had passed. It wasn't that "he just doesn't understand about X." He did the things he did because he was angry. He kept telling me he wasn't angry, and I kept trying to take him at his word. But now I realize it was all part of a pattern of being furious at me. Why was he furious? The usual things -- this and that. He had all kinds of reasons I was "wrong," but he insisted he wasn't furious, just that he had to put up with my outrageous wrongness. But actually he was furious, but instead of saying "I feel really angry about X and Y and I'd like to discuss what we're going to do about them," he was passive-aggressive. The fury kept coming out in all these other accusations and jibes. And then when I would express pain at them, he'd act as if I were even more unreasonable. There's really no solving a problem when the person only acts passive-aggressively. I have a history of being with people who were passive-aggressive, so I think it's not that uncommon. Not many of us were taught how to deal healthily with anger. All I know is that anger doesn't go away when you try to force it to. Something needs to change for anger to go away.
That's my experience, which reminded me of your situation. What to do next is another question. But based on my experience, my answer to "Why can't I just put this is behind me?" is "Because it's real and nothing has changed."
I am just afraid that I will never get past it, that the pain that he caused was too deep to be repaired. ----------------------------------- I would just say to be gentle with yourself. You love dogs so you would understand the story of the puppy that was repeatedly hit. After a while all you had to do was raise the hand and the puppy would start to shake. You are the puppy. Your dreams are your brain "working it out". Trying to make sense out of nonsense. Be gentle and don't force too much understanding. You will understand it all when it is meant to be. It will be revealed eventually. Enjoy your son and your time together.
I agree with Betty here, I was a victim and needed counseling to get through it otherwise I stayed stuck in that mode for some time and made my exAH pay for things he did not do to me. After I went through a recovery book with a very good counselor and lots of digging and healing I got through it and was truly a survivor and free of it. It took me facing things and seperating out what was my issues and what was his issues and well it made more sense really why we chose each other, we were both wounded hurt young people. I really send you much love, prayer and support on this journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Dreams can be so powerful in revealing truths to ourselves in amazing ways, can't they? It sounds like your subconscious showed you what you are really dealing with.
I totally agree with what Mattie said: "But based on my experience, my answer to "Why can't I just put this is behind me?" is "Because it's real and nothing has changed." Boy, have I been there, so I nkow how weird and disconcerting that feels. But You aren't stuck on the past -- you are realizing that you've never gotten closure, there's been no remorse or a true understanding, so you're still feeling the disrespect and lack of understanding you seek. It's not a past thing, it's a present thing.
I am learning to recognize those feelings as warnings, in a way. Your reactions are telling you that things aren't right NOW. Listen to your intuition.
I go through periods where I, too, wake up at 3 or 4...sometimes I hear a phone ringing (that is not) or feel a nudge. I have grown to know that it is God trying to get my attention to see a situation I have not wanted to see. Perhaps journaling will help you to uncover...or perhaps you already know? In my experience my pain/discomfort increased until I took the right action. Good stuff!
It sounds like some of it is pain caused by his statements and his actions and then there is a whole nother part of it which also has a life of it's own and that is pain and fear because you are in a relationship that you really have serious misgivings about and and a totally torn about being in. None of it is easy but we are here for you and you have a good program to help you get through this.
What Mattie said really rings true to me, the passive aggressiveness is where I struggle. Not saying that I, too, can't be passive aggressive as I learned my AH's techniques well and found that sometimes it is rewarding to be passive aggressive right back at him. My AH, also, has told me that he's not angry at me. Nope, he's angry at the rest of the world but I'm not included in that. Hmmm, yeah, not sure I buy that one.
He 'seems' to be changing as I've said before. I honestly haven't opened the door enough to find out just how deep this change goes. In other words, I haven't started any arguments, called him on the carpet on some of his comments(mostly one upping me on stuff in normal conversation), etc. I am basically just taking it all in and seeing how things progress but at some point I'm going to have to do a systems check to see where we stand and how he will act/react. His nature is to lash out, mostly passive aggressive, sometimes bullying, and other times he chooses to absolute best for him which is complete shut down on the couch where he scowls at me when I walk in the room without speaking to me. I still can't decide which I like better: the sarcasm, wit, jabs, and barbs or the sullen silent treatment. Isn't that awful that those have been my choices for years, YEARS! If he's really changing I know I have to give him a chance to prove it. And, that also means I have to open up a bit myself to stick my toe in the water so to speak. Not something that is really comfortable for me, but it might give me the answers I need about him and about myself, as well. Thanks everyone!
Oh ILD, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with this. And it makes it extra awful when it is interfering with your sleep. I struggle with that, too (demons really find their way into my thoughts at night), and I have taken to just chanting "Please God, help me" over and over in my head in a very calm inner voice.
We go through this at my house, too; my AH gets his act together for awhile, and expects me to just fawn all over him and have everything magically be OK. Be so gentle with yourself, my friend--it has taken YEARS for you to get to this place of hurt, and it will take more than 5 weeks for it to start getting better. I totally hear you on needing to be willing to take some of the walls down, bit by bit, but maybe re-think WHICH walls you want to take down. Perhaps start in an area that isn't so horrible and emotionally charged for you (i.e., not the sex issue). For example, even though I still do 99% of the housework, my AH REALLY needs me to validate him whenever he contributes in that area, in any way. Part of me wants to be snotty and say "do you thank me a million times for every single chore I do around the house?!?" Then I apply THINK...that would not be thoughtful, honest, important, necessary and kind to say. I asked myself what would it be taking away from me to thank him for his help, and even take my own wall down a little bit in this area, and say not just "thanks," but "it really means a lot to me to feel more like partners when it comes to housework." Or something like that. So stick your toe in the water, but maybe start in an area that is less of a trigger for you. ((HUGS))
