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Well, I did it again. I lost control when he had a few beers. No matter how many times I tell myself over and over I won't say anything, I usually end up at some point losing it. Oh, he was in a great mood when I got home from work and he was actually doing some work in the garage, but I knew what was to come. He always gets in his "happy" mood as long as he is drinking and when he is not he barely speaks to me and acts depressed. I know, I know, it's the disease. I am so damn sick of this disease! I have stated on here before that I love him, but last night and even this morning I am not so sure I do anymore. I even told him so last night. If I would have just kept my mouth shut last night and let him do his thing things would not have gotten out of control. We fought physically like we have not done in months. It started with me telling him that I didn't like the smell on his breath when he tried to kiss me and I told him I am sick of him only being happy when drinking. Then, when I went to bed he was in the living room making such loud noises clanging his plate (finally eating around 11 last night) and I went in there and asked him would he have some consideration for the ones in the house that had to get up early for work. Well, then it started. He used the "f" word repeatedly, called me names he has never called me and I in turn hit him on the head with a spoon. That was a huge mistake on my part. He grabbed me and shoved me in the bedroom with his hands on my throat (not choking, just threatening) and told me he would kill me if I ever laid another hand on him. The thing is, I am not scared of him because I don't even care anymore what happens to me. I could not do anything to myself, but not afraid of what he would do to me. I am so numb inside. I didn't even cry last night. Then, I went on the back porch and sat in the rocking chairs for over an hour praying and thinking to myself why did I get myself into this marriage. He came outside later and told me it was late and I should go to bed. He went back inside and went to bed and I slept in the other bedroom. I am thinking today that I need to completely detach from him and ignore his drinking because I cannot afford to live on my own now, but I could just live like we are roommates. That doesn't even sound anywhere near normal for a man and wife, does it? Oh, my life is so screwed up. I don't know what to do. I am at work early today so I could write this. I pray for all of you going through this hell.
Hi Cheri, I'm so sorry. It's so hard to see and live with this. There's nothing I can say to make it better but please know that you are supported and understood.
That sounds pretty similar to the end of my relationship with my ex-A. Listen...you can't afford to live like this either. Have faith. Your HP will provide a means for you to live on your own if you decide that. Finances and money are NO REASON to stay in a situation that volatile and abusive. The situation with my ex-A had reached the same point. Our last argument did involve him threatening me with a hammer and me pounding on a door trying to get at him after he shut himself in the bedroom and called my parents that I was going crazy and trying to kill him. Yeah... It was a pressure cooker and I can't believe that was my life at one time. I also felt detached and numb at the time cuz I couldn't believe things had gotten that nuts. On the one hand, that numbness was not a bad thing cuz it enabled me to just walk out of that relationship and not really look back cuz I figured NOTHING would be worse than what had already occurred.
You can go to a domestic violence shelter....even if you feel like you contributed...whatever. Doesn't matter. Domestic violence is occurring and you deserve help to get out of this. Help is out there. Of course alanon is a good support also. Pretty sure everyone on this board can fully identify with the "crazy making" of how this could insideously occur in a relationship with a drunk. I truly get it...You are most definitely not alone but that doesn't mean you are stuck either. Keep reaching out.
Thank you Maurice and Pinkchip for your words of encouragement! I forgot to mention that he said when he was angry last night he said he would be leaving in 30 days and he would claim everything that is his. I told him that was fine with me. I am really almost to that point that I hope he does leave, then I will be forced to figure out how I will live financially independent. I am remembering our arguments over the past nine years and every single one of them involved the issue of his drinking. I am tired and I don't think I even care anymore.
Cheri, physical violence is scary and I would suggest you call your local women's shelter just to see what resources are available to you, even if you just need a place to sleep for a few nights. My AH has never been physically violent but when I saw him beat on the dog many years ago, serious red flags were raised in my mind about what kind of man I married. I mean, who takes a fist and slams it into a puppy's head?
Anyway, you're last post is probably right on the money. At some point, you may have to figure it out on your own anyway, especially if he leaves you. You are emotionally drained, have had the life sucked out of your soul, I know that feeling: the 'I don't even care any more feeling' and it's not a fun place to be. Do you go to Al Anon meetings or have an individual counselor? Sharing your problems with others and finding support may give you the strength you need to figure out your next move.
Wow, I've been on here since January and I read a lot of posts, but this is the first one I've read where someone wrote about the violence going on in the relationship. Kudos to you for being brave enough. I'm not there yet, I've only alluded to it.....yeah, it's crazy how living in this insane world of addiction can make you do things that the person you were before the relationship would never in a million years have done. I've seen that side of myself a handful of times over the last 7 years: I've gone from victim, to learning to fight back (which never helps), and now I am at the point where I just don't want to lower myself to hit back. I don't want to be that person.
So I have started leaving the house when he gets violent, even if it's just for 30 minutes that gives him time to cool down. But I hate leaving the house because I kinda think that means "he won." But in another sense it also means I am not gonna be THAT person. I am not a victim, but I don't fight violence with violence either. I just don't want to be that person. For me it means digging down deep inside my soul and finding something to grab on to to have the strength to turn around and WALK AWAY from his taunts, his jeers, his criticisms, his meanness, his insanity. It is so incredibly hard for me to say "I don't wanna fight with you." Because I really want to rip his head from his body. But I say it anyway, with calmness, and it takes every ounce of strength in my mind to utter those 6 words. And for me I think it is the right thing to do. Thanks for your share, it means a lot to me to be able to relate to it.
As in the past, he is remorseful today. He called me at work saying he loves me and he can stop drinking if that will make me happy. I told him that I have seen what happens when he stops for a couple of days, he gets so moody and irritable. He admitted that his body craves the alcohol, but says he had rather go through the withdrawls than lose me. Bet some of you have heard this line many times, right? We both did apologize for getting out of hand last night and I told him that honestly I think am losing feelings for him. Or possibly, I still love him and just don't like him when he is drinking. He said he wants to work on our marriage and himself. I don't mean to sound negative and did not say this to him, but I don't think he can do this on his own. There was a time in the past I would have been believing and giddy after we made up, but I feel neither of those now. As for him going to AA, I know he won't go so there is no need to even mention that. Forgive me if I am rambling....I need to vent today. Thank you all!
Aloha Cheri...Sad with you about this...really sad. The chemical and the addiction to it destroys everything it touches. I'm hoping that you come to your senses about caring for yourself and if you are not currently attending open Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area please go to the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hotline number...call and find out where and when we get together in your area and then get to the first group you can. "There is no justification for violence and absolutely no justification for allowing it to happen to you"...self care. If walking out in front of a freight train doesn't look sane then what you have explained in your post is similar. Don't do that again. (((((hugs))))) Keep coming back.
Alanon is a fellowship of people who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism Many have reacted on occasion as you have done. I know that I myself can certainly relate to the madness you describe and following a night, as you just encountered, I decided to seriously work an alanon program and to get out to the house because next time I might kill him.
I clearly saw the destructive path we were on -- fight make up -promise to love each other, forgive and never repeat the action over and over .
I finally understood that the best intentions could not change my actions and that I needed help. Alanon was that place. It is a fellowship of equal who share their experience , strength and hope in order to recover.
We do not give advise and merely offer tools that we have used that enabled us to learn how to respond in constructive ways and not to react in destructive manner
It is all a gentle process and I really strongly suggest that you give alanon a try again. Keep an open mind, listen to the shares, the suggested tools and see how hopeful and powerful a meeting can be.
Please take care of you..
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 10th of April 2013 09:18:20 AM
Thank you Jerry for your words of support and advice! Again, I am trusting what he is saying yesterday, that it won't happen again and he will do anything to keep from losing me. I have heard those words before so I am not putting much faith in what he is saying now. But, I can't completely give up hope now because I have seen the very gentle, loving side of him and I believe it is the alcohol that makes him mean, but only when I antagonize him and lose control myself when he is drinking. I let it build and build and no matter how hard I try not to say anything to him when he is drinking I eventually lose it. I do feel as if I am losing feelings, maybe it is more that I am losing, or have lost, respect. I have been to a couple of Al-anon meetings on my lunch break at work. I cannot go at night because I do not have good eyesight driving at night. The second meeting was okay, but I really feel I did not get much support at the meetings. I know I should keep going and cannot judge by two meetings. I know this sounds crazy, but I guess I am justifying my husband's violent actions the other night because I lost control and hit him with a spoon first. I don't usually get that mad but when he just kept on and on cussing I lost it because I did not want my son to hear him. I did not realize until I saw him yesterday that I had also scratched his face. I apologized to him and he said it was okay, that it happened when he went crazy and was threatening me. I felt bad though and it is scary that I didn't even realize I had done that. I guess it is called temporary insanity because I am not a violent person at all. Well, I need to get some work done today....thanks again to all! Hugs to all!!
Sounds to me like you are taking responsibility for his abusive behavior and believe you can control when he is or isn't. You aren't and you can't. When I did not like an al anon meeting, it was me and not them. I was not really ready to stop beating myself up or being another's whipping post. When I was, the same people looked loving and supportive...and sometimes I did not like what they said because I was still hanging onto my pride and my ego thoughts. I wish you the best....in support.
Hi Cheri, Im sorry you are living with this horrible disease. Do you attend Alanon? because I know women who do live with alcoholism and I think detachment is necessary to the point it is like living with a room mate. My relationship is over now but I remember these dramatic occurences well. I had my own part to play in these. For me I often could not keep my mouth closed because I was so frustrated and resentful that it would spill out until he reacted. Then his reaction was my crisis that I was looking for because I thought that he would finally get sober. It never really worked because it then becomes a forced thing. So he gets sober because of your wishes and threats, resentment builds because the same issues remain. He would then be a dry drunk who is only acting on your desire for him to be sober. I lived this way when my ex got sober for 6 years. Neither one of us had recovery so he was irritable, resentful, bad tempered and I tip toed around feeling grateful that he was sober but confused that things were not this bed of roses that I had imagined. We both stayed in this cycle of disease and I was as sick if not worse than him. Look to your own behaviours and motives because this is the only place where you have power and control. Take what you like and leave the rest.x
El-cee, you describe perfectly what I go through at least once a week, sometimes more. This is a vicious and emotional cycle and I think I am beginning to finally realize I can't fix him, I can only fix myself. I am so sad today thinking that my marriage is probably over. We detach and live like roommates, what kind of marriage is that? I think the detachment actually began a long time ago, due to fault of both of us. He only wants to love me when he is drinking, and I don't want him when he is drinking anymore because he disgusts me. So, since he drinks almost every night now we are detached in a physical way. I am somewhat emotionally detached, but need to work on full detachment emotionally so that I won't get angry anymore when he is drinking. I really have no choice now. I cannot afford to live alone at this time and I will go crazy if I keep wishing he will stop drinking and everything will be good between us. I need to go to an al anon meeting again this week. I have all of you here which has been wonderful, but I also need local support.
It so hard and I do understand. There are some alanon pamphlets that are all about this. I left before I got Alanon and my family suffered further in many ways. I just up and left with nothing really and my sons were uprooted. Now I have a different attitude through alanon and leaving isn't always the best course of action. I think that's why they say don't make any big decisions until you have a few months of recovery. Focus, study, dive right into your own recovery because you will feel better and your marriage might survive and even be a good one despite his drinking. In my group most of the women are still married and their men got aa. Thanks for sharing.x
I just read your post and wow, I relate 100%. I understand as I too was just beatin less then 2 weeks ago. He too pushed, grabbed, threw, put his hand over my mouth and on my neck and hit me! I too reacted to his provication and had thrown a cup of coffee on his face. I believe I am still numb from this and now I am feeling anger, shame and guilt as he made me believe it was my fault. And like it was said built up of anger, fight, make up, promises and it starts again, a vicious cycle. I find reading posts on here really helps me and gives me strength. I too am still with alcoholic but in back of my mind and in my heart, I do not trust him and I know I want out. Right now, today, I am taking it a step at time. I plan to get a safety kit togeather this weekend so if I need to run, I have everthing with me...I too do not trust my alcoholic. I just pray daily to my higher power to give me strength to leave this nightmare! Keep posting!
Keep coming back.