I don't have anyone.  I wish I did, but right now I don't even have the gas to get to a face to face meeting or a sitter if I did. I think I have just enough to get them to school in the AM.  I have been appling for jobs since 3 AM on craigslist and trying to figure things out.  We have a mechanic shop from home he runs but I just don't want him here.  He has to finish the work inthe shop for customers and then I don't know yet and if he goes to treatment he will be gone for a while anyway. I am going to have to find a way to focus on what I need and be able to talk to him when he comes by in about 4 hours. 

PP wrote:

---

Stay in touch, even if it means hourly messages.  We will support you as best we can.  I will keep you in my prayers.

---

 Thank you so much... your message about made me cry.

Rinn, I applaud you. Enormous courage in drawing your boundaries. Keep relying on your HP to know that there is better out there in terms of a future and a better life for you and the kids regardless of what he does. Whether or not he ever gets truly sober and becomes that person you know he is capable of being....You are so powerless over that and it's such a tragedy that someone would self-sabotage and have so many problems just being the best person they can be. That is the nature of this disease though. It's infuriating the way it robs people of their potential. I do believe you made a huge stride in accepting you are powerless over his disease and over him. I can tell you from my own experience that my family or friends could never "help" my addiction. In fact, the more I thought they would tolerate it, the less likely I was to change. When I only had myself to rely on - I started being responsible and started real recovery. So...don't think that you are putting him out on the street...kicking him out....and that you are the bad guy. You truly are setting him free. He will either find other enablers if he wants to stay sick or will go through the gut wrenching recovery to be self sufficient so he can then be a suitable partner for someone (you or anyone else) not to mention being a responsible dad.

For now, take it hour by hour. You don't have to clearly know what you need to see for him to "come back" or how long that will take. Logically speaking, nobody comes out of rehab all presto chango better...though they do talk like they are. It takes a year or more of living in the real world, taking care of oneself, paying bills, establishing a meeting routine and a serious 12 step program...walking the walk and not just talking the talk.... You will know when the changes are real and not just talk. That type of change/recovery is truly the work of God and you do have to get out of the way to let it happen for him if it's going to happen. For now, just knowing that this is intolerable and your boundaries can't be crossed like this any more is pretty awesome progress for you (even though I know how much it hurts and is scary).

I have an attorney.  The down side is we just got full custody of my stepson because his mom  and her girlfriend were meth addicts.  She has been a bad user for about 6 months and CPS got involved, it was dangerous for her kids to be there. Now my step son has two parents that are doing the same drug.  I love him and hope I can keep providing him a home. 

I am not ready to file anything yet thought, I would rather seperate under the radar so to speak and wait.  I am not in a hurry to make it legal.

Great job in being strong. Please don't think I am getting in your business or offering unsolicited advice, but I had a few thoughts about your financial situation. A good friend told me that I am worth letting people help me. I was always too proud to ask for help and when offered it, I had a hard time accepting it because I thought it would make me seem weak or needy. In these tumultuous times, I have found that it takes a lot of strength to ask for help when I need it and to find the right people to help me and my kids.
I know there are a lot of churches that have funds available for families in crisis. I also think this would be a good time to use the government assistance programs that are available to you. That is what they are for. I know it's hard to tell others what you and your kids are going through, but I am a teacher and we are always able to help families find assistance, food, clothing, etc. for families going through hard times. Maybe reaching out to a school counselor will give you some peace of mind. They are trained to help and will keep your information confidential.

I know how hard it is. I have been supporting my family on my income alone for a long time. I am finally filing for bankruptcy just so I can keep my house and car. We do what we have to do. We didn't choose these problems, but they are not going to go away, so we have to learn how to deal with them the best we can.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have kicked my AH out four times, and I keep caving and letting he back in when he shows me what he wants me to see. This is a tricky tricky disease that has gotten the best of me more times than I can count. I am not giving up on myself though. I hope you can stay strong and get the support you need. I think you will be amazed to find how many people are willing to help you.

So after I asked him to leave at 2am  I got on craigslist and franticly searched for a job, applied, and emailed and posted work wanteds ect. Well during the alanon night meeting someone called!  They want to hire me to do alterations from home. I can sew fairly well, I make a lot of my kids clothes.  It is ok looking not always the greatest looking but I have a few really good seamtress friends and a lot of professional books.  I just moved to this house and haven't unpacked my sewing stuff yet, but I think tomarrow I am setting up a sewing room in my bedroom and making some money.  It is heaven sent, stay home with kids, no daycare, work in my own time (like nights) I take 70% of price of alterations.  I can hem, take things in, let things out. I just have to see if I can do it fast enough to make any kind of living. Yikes. but until something better comes along it is something.

Much better.  Cause the rest of my day stunk.  Water heater went out (floor was covered in hot water this morn) toilet broke and needs replaced, kids were roudy in homedepot crying running, jumping on stuff.  I was irritable, they were irritable.  I am so ready for bedtime in 10 min. 

This is the first night in 4 years my hubby and I have been apart (other than when he was up all night on meth) it is so hard.  I really miss him.

Also I want to find a sponser, how to I go about finding one?  suggestions would be helpful. 

We are not supposed to give advice, but I am since I know your head is probably spinning.  Let him figure out where he is going to sleep, eat, go to the bathroom etc.  He created this situation for himself, let him fix it.  You have been left to pick up the mess he created and take care of you and your children-  time he put on his big boy trousers.  This will be the most loving thing you can do for all of you, including him, altough, it may not feel that way.. My husband now thanks me for having the strength to not let him manipulate him when I told him to leave.  I would not even talk to him, as I knew I could be manipulated.  Your HP has your back, evidenced by the call at your Al Anon meeting...keep watching for the signs of guidance.  As far as finding a sponsor, that, too will be divinely guided.  If you come across someone at your meetings that you resonate with, ask them if they would like to be your sponsor.  If it fits for them, they may say YES.

You have done absolutely beautiful recovery work here from your inner strength and faith, and surrender (Step 1)  Keep it up

-- Edited by PP on Wednesday 10th of April 2013 07:29:26 AM

Agree with PP - let him find his own way. Sounds like you are wavering out of fear and loneliness. Remember, you are not making him homeless - you are setting him free to get help. Ideally, your marriage will come back together when he is well and you both can make the choice that he is ready to return home. It will never work when he's making needy, desperate pleas and saying he has nowhere else to go because his addiction got him to this point. Let him pick himself up, man up, build up some dignity, integrity, and then become the man you want rather than sleeping in the garage like a little boy on punishment. That will only feul an enabling environment for him and you.

I did let him stay last night but I  think it was good. We talked  a lot and I felt better this morning.  I didn't say he could keep doing it, he slept on the floor on a sleeping bag.  In the morning he said he was making other arrangements elsewhere because he knew I needed space and he was proud of me for sticking to my bounderies he wasn't going to push them.  But it gave him time to make a good clean living arrangment plan.

He did  keep trying to check in tell me where he was going/doing/seeing today and I said I really didn't want to know.  I wasn't his keeper and his life is his; he doesn't live here and we aren't together.  Who he assaciates with is his business.  If he does treatment and is successful is all I care about.  He has an end goal and it is his job to get there not mine to oversee it. He was a little suprised but i think it made an impact.  I also made him knock before coming in since he no longer lives here.  I think is is little things helping to show a bigger picture.

he helped me get my waterheater problem diagnosed, a pipe burst in the wall carring hot water from the  heater to the house.  It was nice to be able to ask for his help and have that sort of relationship. We are more like friends for now.  We talk, see each other, he sees kids here, and we are taking it day by day.

He is starting outpatient treatment tomarrow.  I guess the are random drug testing, and he has three group sessions a week from 4-7pm and one and one counsiling on top of it.  Plus he has to go to AA at least once a day to be in compliance. It lasts as long as his counsiler says it lasts  if he thinks after 6 months he is ok then it ends but he said it could be up to two years depending on what they think.   He seems sincere I hope he follows through.

I am going to ask him to provide records that show he is in compliance (attends and passes drug tests). 

I am a very forgiving person who wants to see the best in people.  Already I want things back to normal but I am making myself firm and focusing on my boundries as best as I can.

Thanks for all the support it really helped me get through the first day