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This is my first post. I have been with al-anon now for about 1 year and still struggling. I think I have a handle and then something else happens! My AH came home from work today drunk again. Been on a binge for about a week now. Since I have been getting better, he has slightly as well until this last week. We have been together 4 years now, and he has had 4 different jobs! Every time one of these binges starts, he tends to lose a job. I am learning to let go when he is like this, but what about when it affects me?! I am so tired of struggling financially and being the only one who brings in a constant paycheck. It is just not fair. I know I cannot control him, but we are so far in debt and I just don't make enough money to support us and his 2 kids. I love this family dearly but am seriously afraid for it. Lately I have really been working on myself and I think it has him running scared. The problem...I just don't know how many "job losses" I can take! He has needed to end a child support arrears order ($350/mo) for over a month now (It has to be stopped through the court) but he won't do it! Instead we are still paying (I am) his ex all this extra money plus child support! If he loses his job, this will be all up to me again. I am making myself sick with all the worry over finances. I know I cannot control the financial situation and should leave that up to my HP, but how will the bills get paid?
I am so frustrated and disappointed in my life. I love this man dearly, but am getting tired of being hurt all of the time. The Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde thing is so true with A's.
You are not alone. I am so glad that you are attending face to face meetings and have found us. Breaking the isolation and conencting with others is so very important in learning how to focus on ourselves and to act in our own best interest.
So glad you are here, please keep coming back. I don't have any words of wisdom, .. I'm on the other side of that coin you are describing. I have always resented the kids and myself being the collateral damage. I guess something I have found to be soooo true is that there are two lanes of the collateral damage and it's not only my kids and myself that are being affected by this disease. The disease just kind of creates it's own traffic jam of car wrecks in other people's lives. Sometimes it sure feels that way though and yes, my STBAX's actions alcoholic or sober certainly affect the children and myself very very directly, .. especially when it comes to financially.
Something to think about (not saying to leave or stay just be aware), .. if you knew this is how it was going to be for the rest of your life can you accept your AH right where he is at and literally be able to live your life (here's the tricky part .. lol .. and be happy, find serenity and peace) regardless if he is drinking or not? What are the steps you can take to protect yourself financially from his collateral damaging decisions? Are you willing to draw boundaries and stick to them?
These are all answers I have had to come through by attending alanon meetings and it took me longer than a year to get there and I still am struggling with some of those answers.
Keep coming back, you are not alone, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Mbergeron - The only suggestion I can make is to keep your finances separate with a recovering (or not recovering so well) alcoholic. Ideally, you should be able to have joint finances with someone you are in a relationship with for 4 years. BUT, this is not ideal as you know. To whatever degree you can make yourself financially separate and independent of him, you will reduce your anxiety about financial problems. You will also be turning these "we problems" back into what they belong as..which are "him problems." This is a big part of what they mean when they talk about detachment with an alcoholic/addict - Detach from their mess so you can't be as hurt by it and you can love them more purely if you choose because they are not sucking you down with them as much. Don't less his finances or his parental obligations become yours. You have enough to focus on in life just doing the work of 1 person right? If his kids were living with you and you were the only mom they knew...I could see feeling responsible and being responsible to a degree because you'd basically be adopting them but it doesn't sound like this is the case here.
It is exceptionally frustrating to be in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict because they wear on your boundaries so insistently and they are so needy that you don't realize you are stuck in patterns of enabling once again until you are miserable all over again. This is why recovery for you is so important. His disease is so encompassing because it causes a failure to act responsibly and then everyone that cares for him is left trying to pick up the pieces and hold the mess together. He might try and tell you he's being responsible cuz he has 4 jobs or whatever but the fact is he's being very irresponsible and scrambling around like a kid trying to earn cash rather than an adult trying to practice career development and living on a budget. To the degree that you accept this and/or facilitate it...that is how things will stay. If you can set your life up in a way where his financial burdens are not as much yours...that will help. You sound totally resigned to a "fact" that things will be your responsibility if he does not act like a grown up. When an alcoholic/addict senses or knows that they have someone that convinced to enable them, they suck the life out of that relationship until you are exhausted and angry and hopeless. It is not "up to you" to solve his financial messes.
P.S. - I know this is easier said than done. It took me years to untangle my financial mess from my ex-A. I let that happen too so don't think I'm judging you. I wanted to make a life with someone incapable of being financially responsible. I paid most of his bankruptcy payments and I knew he was in that situation the whole time we were together. I somehow thought it would change or I could change it. That he was just having hard times as he said.... I tried to force this to happen rather than accept it wasn't and distance myself from the mess. I also failed to acknowledge that I was CHOOSING to pay for his mistakes. Nobody made me do that. It wasn't all "up to me." I made it all up to me thinking that was gonna solve the problem when it didn't. It just kept him childlike and dependent in that area (financially). Ultimately, my financial emeshment with him caused the most resentments and it was the proverbial nail in the coffin for that relationship.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 09:04:55 AM
