want to get back with my recovering alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

gwenci · Member

want to get back with my recovering alcoholic

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can breathe deeply and remember that there is no hurry here. Recovery is a long process, and it has to be for it to work. Many start on the road and fall off along the way. If your A is going to have a good and deep recovery, the evidence will be there after a time. The first year of recovery is generally rough and emotional and up-and-down. The more turmoil there is from outside, the more challenging the recovery is. One week of recovery is a lot better than no recovery, but there are many challenges to go through. It is nice that he has started working on the steps, but doing them all fast is maybe not the surest way of making sure they're in there deep. The good news is that time will definitely reveal the depth of his recovery.

Right now would be the time to concentrate on your own recovery (because alcohol pulls everyone around it into the insanity. We need recovery too because our thoughts and judgments become distorted and the pain is considerable). That's the best way to ensure a healthy future for you and for your relationship. I hope you've found a meeting? They say to try six because they're all different.

I know when I was separated from my A I always got very anxious and emotional. Part of it was not knowing what was going to happen; part of it was that I had become addicted to him and even to the drama and turmoil. I didn't know what my calm life would look like. It was scary going forward. Getting my own recovery underway helped a lot.

In your case, it's important that you stay safe and that he not be released from the consequences of his actions. Violence is a very serious thing, even if no one was injured this time. Your most important priority is to keep you and your little one safe. For your A's recovery, it might be important that he sees that his violence is a very serious matter and could (and should) result in his relationship ending unless he goes into serious recovery. My own experience is that if I caved at this point, what it said to him was "I only have to go into recovery for a little while, and then I can have things back just the way they were before, the way I like them." And the whole cycle would start again. Be sure your actions don't say this to him. I personally would wait 6-12 months before assessing how far his recovery is gone and thinking about whether reconcilation would be advisable down the line. I know this will probably seem like an eternity. That's when getting your own recovery underway could be a life-saver. I hope you'll take good care of yourself and keep coming back.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Not now. In the recovery programs they tell us to focus on ourselves. In AA, they say that the A's need to immerse themselves in the 12 step program. Progress not perfection. We have to change too. As they say if nothing changes, nothing changes. Can you go to a face to face meeting?

Nancy

gwenci · Member

thanks for that, i will try to get to meeting unfortuantly there are only open meetings in my county (which he would be at) my nearest alanon nmeeting is about an hour away but im thinking it will be worth the journey as i really dont want to damage his recovery, so advice may well be needed.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Qwenci,

as i really dont want to damage his recovery-This one sentence says so much, and, in time, as you get yourself immersed in al anon, you will know what I mean. Step 1 tells us we are powerless over person, places or things. You are powerless to damage his recovery....his recovery is a relationship between him and his higher power. I also hear in your post that you are addicted to him. Of course you want him back, he is your addiction and alcohol is his...our addictions lure and seduce us into feeding them. This is not a judgement against you, we have all been there and we are loving, kind, compassionate women and men who also have our addictions and have found sanity THROUGH our OWN recovery, independent of our loved ones. As when we exercise to strengthen our muscles, we go into recovery to exercise those muscles that keep us free from our addiction of co-dependency. The greatest gift you can give you, your precious little one and your partner is AL Anon. We are not in this lifetime to be anyone's whipping post..keep that in mind. NO MATTER WHAT WE TELL OURSELVES, this is not what we were created for and you certainly don't want to give your child the message that is ok to receive ANY violence EVER at the hands or mouth of another. We will love you..keep coming back on this forum.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Being an A has nothing to do with being an abuser. I would invite you to look at yourself. Have you considered going to a womens support group for domestic violence? What does it way to kids when mom allows a man back in the home who is abusive?

I would also invite you to seriously get into Al Anon and learn all the truths of this horrible disease. We can love someone very much but living with them can be very dangerous.

We can also want something very badly but it is not good for us either.

He is not recovering, he will never be recovered. He is in recovery which he works on the rest of his life. This disease is not curable and affects everyone around it always, even when they have been in recovery many years.

This is a great time for YOU. Take care of your needs and wants, get your home back to a serene place, enjoy your kids. Go to Al anon meetings, come here.

sending you love and hope, debilyn

gwenci · Member

hi im looking for non biased opinions (not sure this is the right place, for that as everyone has been so hurt) but anyways,
he is currently living over 4 hours away with his mum in a rough area, he has attended aa meetings which went well for a while but i know he has had several binges and he even took crack!!!!!
i dont think he is doing either now and i think he is back on aa, but this is all of a week or so since.
he wants my daughter for a few days and nights to stay with him in a week or so's time. now i have said no to that actually it might be easier explaining if i just quote the texts we have sent each other
him 'i just wanted to spend time with my daughter for a few days, i can see she is already begining to forget me.shes my daughter too im asking you to let me have her for a fewdays please.
to which i replied 'im sorry to upset you but i have to put *daughter* first. her life is here its not fair for her to miss her friends parties and events in school hols. its not going to make for a stable enviroment if she doesn see you for ages (its been nearly 3 months ithink)then she goes to you on her own for days and nights. if you were living here and seeing her every week, and you had a stable place to call home then it would be ok to stay over. as long as you stayed away from alcohol and drugs and i could see that. otherwise it will have to be day visits.
to which he replied 'i new it would come to this, i never had a say in her when i was there. you would be happier if she never sees me again just like *other children from previous*is this what i deserve?'
to which i reply ' no iwould be happier if her dad was in her life as a stable influence'
he replies' ile never stand a chance with you and your family i never have. cant even have a say on my own daughter i hope your 'xxxx' happy and i didnt call you names (previous argument which i may well have overreacted) im just bloody livid, i was a good family man so your sister once said'
i then reply'well as usual this is not your fault, it has not happened through your choices and your behaviour.it is the rest of the world who is against you.younever learn do you'
his reply 'oh dont worry ive been through this before , i wont even bother contacting her now you'll all love that,got what you want.'
i reply ' i would rather you be part of her life all the time. which you could be if you stayed of all the crap and live in the county. you could go to all her events and important things then and have her weeekly'
he replies 'what and be allowed to see her when you and your family see fit , and watch another man bring her up (there is no other man, ithink hes referring to in the far future) 'xxxx' now youve crossed the line now never contact me again.
my head cant think straight need some help. please just be straight with me.

-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 22nd of May 2013 03:15:39 PM

gwenci · Member

in fact i feel need to add i did over react (with the name calling argument) i got a needy text of him i replied saying at kiddies party will phone in a bit , when i did try phoneing there was no answer i tried phoneing for half hour, hour no answer i knew it wasnt aa meeting time, and previously if he didnt answer it was coz he was drinking exspecially if he had tried to make contact and i had rejected it , so itexted him saying 'your not at a meeting, i give up' he replied telling me he was at his aunts who was being rushed to hospital (she is old and has been deteriating for some time) and called me a selfish cow, to which i did loose my temper, i totally didnt show any care for his aunt (who i dont actually know), and its all gone down hill since then, in my defence i just felt fed up of being there and supporting and the stress of not knowing if he was drinking and then being called a name which i feel he did far to often in our relationship. but even though i do feel i was out of order there and it has all gone down hill since then, i have sent him good wishes for his aunt but i havent tried very hard at all to sort it as, he is cross with me about it, but i kinda feel like after all he has put me through im not allowed to ever make a mistake and in a weird way the mistake was brought on by his previous behaviour. oh i dont know as you can tell im a jimble jumble! thats why im here lol

gwenci · Member

now he has just texted me saying im sorry im just desperate to see my daughter

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Gwenci..it is good you've stayed with the board and are continuing to reach out..."If you keep and open mind...you will find help". I related to the goings back and forth and not getting anywhere in fact going backwards from my wishes....this is alcoholism at it's finest and the definition of "insanity" doing the same things over and over again - expecting different results. You're not so different than the rest of us, been there and done that also so look for the similarities and know that we know also. You've gotten some very good feedback already and I hope you can fulfill the idea of getting to a live face to face Al-Anon meeting. I just came from the Saturday version here in Hilo, myself and got and gave support and help for the ongoing problem of the affects of alcoholism. There is no cure and I will not be able to contol it...sure enough I haven't caused it. Another suggestion is attending the on line meetings here at MIP...the 2 times daily meetings will be very helpful.

As you have explained it...your alcoholic isn't recovering. He may be going to a meeting or such and if he is still using and/or drinking or even thinking of using or drinking the disease owns him. When my alcoholic/addict exwife got clean and sober and I was a fulltime member of Al-Anon there was no "need" between us. We were two sane and sober individuals taking care of our own lives as we were responsible for. We turned working the program into living the program as we were shown by those who came before us. It didn't happen overnight; both the disease and the recovery.

Keep coming back. The program works when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

You want opinions however you don't want to "hear" what is being said.

Your A is not an RA .. he may be trying to find sobriety .. he is NOT recovering if he's getting high currently. It doesn't matter why he's getting high .. he's getting high. High doesn't equal sobriety.

Now if you want to get back with him and he's NOT sober then you may want to look at what is going on with you. This is where alanon can be a great tool. Alanon is not going to tell you how to fix your addict, Alanon is not going to tell you to get back together or leave. Alanon is not going to tell you what to do. YOU have free will .. no one else is responsible for your choices. What Alanon can do is help you find a way to heal from the damage that has been done in living with an addict. It sounds like there has been damage done.

Addiction is a progressive disease, .. it only gets worse not better without a real program of recovery .. this includes NOT taking drugs or alcohol. He can go to 1000x meetings and if he's still getting high in one form or another he's not recovering. Referring back to what you have shared.

Again .. referring back to what is going on with you that you are desperate to reunite with a man who is knee deep in a disease, is it the drama? Is it the fear of being alone? What is it that you feel the need to get back together with someone who is again .. NOT seeking recovery. Instead of wasting time and energy worrying about what he is or is not doing try putting that into yourself and what needs to be healed in you.

Not trying to be harsh .. trying to give you a jolt of reality. I can't fix someone else with my own broken mind. They were never mine to fix to begin with and that's where the real healing begins. If nothing changes .. well .. nothing is going to change. He doesn't sound like he's changing, maybe this is an opportunity for you to work on you. YOU are important and YOU are worth the time and energy that you are giving away worrying about him. Keep coming back and keep an open mind.

Hugs P :)

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