The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I took my son and left and went to a shelter. It's been about 10 days now, and I've been speaking to counsellors and trying to negotiate with my spouse to move out to an apt and let my son and I live in the house because it is near his school and it is way too much upheaval for a child. After much delay finally he agreed and then Tuesday he emails me that he has now lost his job. Wow. Panic. He's getting minimal severance, so we've got about a month before we'll have to start withdrawing from retirement savings and such to make the monthly bills. And then that can't go on indefinitely so the house will be put up for sale. I wondered if he sabotaged the job on purpose so he wouldn't have to move out because he wouldn't be able to afford it. I kept on about him needing to find a place anyway. Finally he looked at one and agreed to take it and it will be ready the 13th, another week.So I think he's moving out and we can return, but really I don't know. I don't take anything for certain now till I see it happen.
I was ok for a couple of days but then I started looking at getting a job myself and I feel so discouraged. I've been out of the workplace raising my child. I feel inadequate to the task of finding work but somehow I have to get us some stability. In the meantime, my son is acting out because he's so scared and he wants to go home. The place we are staying is nice, not plush, but nice, and clean with toys for the kids and a big backyard with a play structure and there is another boy here his age, and there is lots of food and the moms cook what they like, so it is not scary, and I drive him to school every day and all his activities and he sees his friends.
I asked him what he misses and he mentioned his toys and his computer, but also he worries dad is not feeding the dog (I have checked on the dog, and she looks good I told him), and he misses that he knows where all the rooms are, even in the dark, and having his Mom and his Dad there. I told him I am working on giving him all that but even if Dad doesn't get well Mom has some money saved and we could always get a small apt. near his friend's house and he would go to school and see his friends and we would bring all his things so it would be nice. People don't need big houses to be happy. If we couldn't bring the dog, because some places don't rent to dogs, his uncle would look after the dog. Then he went to sleep and I felt uneasy that perhaps I could have comforted him more. Then in the night one of the babies here started to wail and I felt on the edge of panic. So I came down here to use the computer and talk to you all.
We moved here from the other side of the countryand my relatives are miles and miles from here. I feel a little like my spouse has driven us out to the desert, and dumped us with no way of getting home and no food or water and I must lead my son back to safety. I know to take everythign one day at a time, and I will find a way, but right now at this moment I am feeling low. It is awful to have your child yelling at you I don't want to be here, I want to go home and it is all your fault. And now I know even if I can get him home, I can't guarantee that we will have it for long. You know when I was on the line with the crisis counsellor I remember saying, leaving now only solves tonight's problem but it gives me a whole host of new problems. Again, I am working my way through, one task at a time. But any words of wisdom you can provide would be much appreciated.
I am so glad to hear you've taken action to make yourself safe. Of course kids only understand the concrete things. I am guessing that your son's life and emotional strength was already kind of uncertain and shaky because of his dad's behaviors, and that he probably comforted himself with the familiarity of the house and the dog. So he has not yet started to build up strength from the more peaceful life without his dad's behaviors, and meanwhile he doesn't have his "security house" around him. So no wonder he is on edge. But you're in a position to see that you're on the path toward his having what's really important -- a genuinely peaceful life. I know you will be extra comforting in this period where he is finding his way.
When I was in a similar state I thought, "I can comfort my child, but who's going to comfort me?" That's a hard one. It's harder to comfort myself than it is to comfort other people because I always talk back to myself! And when the future is full of decisions and unknowables, it's hard to take it one day at a time and keep from worrying about things you can't know yet. You have just started on the journey and that's bound to be the most uncertain time. It also sounds like a huge aggravation that your H has lost his job! I guess the silver lining there, such as it is, is that now he doesn't have big child support payments to hold over your head and withhold to try to manipulate you, as happens so often. (In the long run, though, I hope you'll get legal help and get payments out of him. Even unemployed people owe child support -- because being unemployed doesn't mean your children don't need food. But of course the required payments will be pretty small. $200 a month was what one friend got.)
I hope you're connecting with all the sources of support you can, practical and emotional. It is quite a transition. One day you will look back on this and think, "Some parts of that were very hard, but it is amazing how far I've come and how well we're doing!" Again so glad you are safe. I hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing. Hugs.
It doesn't really sound like things getting worse. It sounds like you getting stronger and facing every challenge. An alcoholic is going to do what they do. He probably did self-implode at the job I'd be willing to bet. In the meanwhile, all I am hearing is strength from you. Keep your head up!
