The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I'm so ashamed of myself -- i got really angry Tonight and yelled and screamed and was hurtful to someone who absolutely didn't deserve it.
im kicking myself for letting my emotions take over, and become crazy like I was pre-alanon and wondering if I'm ever going to be at a point where I can just let things go. I'm trying to figure out why and realizing I've been under this huge amount of stress lately at work and at home, and I haven't been doing anything for me in the emotional self care department.
it's like I have myself trained to sTay calm when things with my AH and his drinking are crazy , but can't deal with the slow build of stress of everyday life. He's been working hard t his sobriety, and has been sober for the last month but his PTSD has been awful and its just been f-ing miserable to be around him at times lately. I'm exhausted from being the only one he turns to with this stuff and when I tell him im overloaded he doesn't always Hear me
but then I'm the one who loses my*****t over something that should have been minor and totally lash out and was inappropriatly mean to someone close to me who did nothing wrong. Would appreciate any shares about how people figured how to take care of themselves and put themselves first and recognize when they need self care. I can't seem to do it.
PI'm just really mad and ashamed of the way I acted
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 5th of April 2013 11:18:13 PM
This is a problem I have too. I think your right about keeping it all together then bam it needs to come out. I have been advised to write down my feelings as I feel them. Acknowledge them let them exist and if you need to say them or can you let it go. Thanks for sharing.
I used to get stressed and act out too. I was so relieved when I read the alanon literature and that it's normal to be angry. I am always cleaning up the messes my spouse creates. It just never ends. And it's hard to keep cool under that much pressure. When I joined alanon and read about the loving detachment thing, I thought wow that's what I need. So I just worked on that one little thing, not yelling. On my calendar at home I colored a heart for everyday I didn't yell or get mad. I worked hard to earn those hearts and then as a little time went by, pretty soon I had all hearts. Now not yelling is the norm. I told my son what I was doing and he wanted to earn hearts too and mark them on the calendar. He thought it was cool. I remember when I was a kid playing basketball. We'd work at standing on the same spot and making those hoops over and over. I think if we did it 30 times in a row, then it wasn't luck, it was a skill we'd built. I'm sure you'll find a way to make this change too. What's magic is if you change what you do on the outside, your actions, it changes you on the inside too. Don't beat yourself up. I've still got lots and lots of stuff to work on and am at the beginning with alanon. Wishing you well and sending hugs.
That sounds like a growth in courage opportunity...Go apologize (it had nothing to do with you) and explain so that they don't carry the hurt you brought into the room. I found out that many of those I hurt like this loved me and were willing to forgive me for my explosions which are now rare. I love the "fairys" ESH...hearts and hoops is another alternative way this program works. Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))
Just my suggestion but it sounds like this stress is largely from trying to be too much to too many people (especially your recovering husband). So my suggestion is tell him how much you love him but that you are overloaded (I know you've said it before) and that he should look into finding a therapist for his PTSD and a sponsor to go to with all his other issues. Remind him you are his biggest cheerleader but you cannot be either of those 2 previously mentioned things and to do so crosses your boundaries. He has you in the role of counselor and sponsor and that's just not fair. It's taxing and it stops you from having an enjoyable marriage of equals. Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps.
What wonderful shares from all of you. I especially like the calendar idea, and may start doing that. Pinkchip - I've talked o my AH about that same thing and I'm hoping he reaches out more - he said he's going to try. He is in therapy, but doesn't have an active sponsor at the moment. The PTSD makes it all even more complicated for us, and is just exhausting when he's in full panic mode. Thankfully, he's not right now.
Today was a much better day and I'm trying not to beat myself up too much and remind myself that working on my recovery is te only way I'm going to heal myself of these outbursts, or at least better manage how I react to situations.
I like what Forest Fairy said about the hearts - I'm gonna try that. Because I know all too well the shame that comes with losing your cool and lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it. You're not alone in that department. For 10 days I've tried to change and not be angry and not yell and not completely lose my cool. I failed once BIG TIME and about 4 times a little, but I was able to reign it back in those 4 times before it got out of control. I am guessing this is ok considering the situation I live in and I'm trying to see it as more of an accomplishment than failing 5 times. Because I used to be angry 24/7 and hiss and cuss and scream and yell and fire usually came out of my nose and mouth, and sometimes my ears. So it's better, a little bit at a time. Go easy on yourself. Sending hugs.
