The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH has checked himself into detox / mental health facility again. This is the second time since the end of February. He has told his case worker that when he completes the 7 day inpatient he wants to go back to the 9-3 outpatient program. Both his case worker and I agree that he needs long-term residential recovery (3-6 months), and that coming home before that is not a solution.
It sounds so simple to say that when I speak with his case worker, but I know it will be so hard to say it to him. My struggle today is finding the right words. I love him unconditionally, I know he does not want to hear this from me, but honestly he has no other options at this point.
I am writing out my thoughts and asking my HP to give me the right words. I would like to hear from others who have been through this same situation. How did you tell your A that he/she couldn't come home? What were your experiences and can you share any wisdom?
I would like to ask you (and forgive my being dense on this), why is it up to you to tell him? I have been getting caught up lately in trying to find the perfect words or presentation to my qualifier, that will persuade him or convince him of something. IT's like I have taken on the responsibility, myself alone, to make him see the light. That 'if only' he would see sense, it would all work out. 'If only' I could find the right combination of the perfect, gentle phrases that will pack a punch and make him understand. I get myself SO worked up over this until my HP reminds me that it's not up to me. I have control of myself, my boundaries and how I feel, but not over how he feels, no matter what perfect speech I can conjure up. That's up to him and his HP (or lack of).
If you have your own boundary about it, such as not wanting him back home unless he has gone through longer therapy, that sounds healthy to me. Perhaps it'll be easier for you to see your way through this if you take the pressure off yourself to be the one to talk him into something.
Wishing you all the best in this situation! ((hugs))
Speaking what is true for me without attachment to the outcome seems to work best when I'm offered an opportunity to honor myself or hide myself. Writing out the various things I could say helps me weed out what simply doesn't need to be said because its too wordy, too manipulative, too controlling or completely unrealistic and gets me to the core of a matter. By the time I act, I am calm and at peace because I know my only motive is to do the next right thing without expectation or attempt to control an outcome.
For the actual words, how about something like, "I know this has been a hard journey for you, and I'm having my own problems processing what's happened and what will happen next. I've realized that I just can't be around the drinking any more, and I can't even be around the fear of the drinking any more. I'm sure some people could do it, but I just can't do it. So a seven-day program is not enough for me to be able to be around that possibility. An outpatient program is not enough for me to be around that possibility either. If you decide to do a 3-6 month residential program and that goes well, I would be able to consider living together again. I know you may not want to do that, and you have free choice, of course. I'm just talking about what would be reassuring enough for me to be able to consider living together again. [Add or not: If you want to try the outpatient option, I'm in doubt about it myself, but I would consider living together with you again after six months of outpatient if it goes well.] As always I wish you every happiness. But the drinking has been very hard and that's what I'm going to have to do. I do love you and I wish the best for you."
At that point a drinker who's not far along in his recovery would no doubt respond, "But what about me! Why are you throwing me out just when I'm changing the way you asked! After everything I've done for you! Who's selfish now! I can't believe this b******t! You're why I drank in the first place!" Etc. etc. etc. In other words, "Change back! Change back NOW!"
A further-along drinker in recovery might say, "This is very disappointing. I'm having a hard time with this. The drinking must have affected you more than I realized. That's hard for me to hear. I do want us to be together. I'll have to think about this."
You'll be able to judge how far along he is by which he says.
Take what helps and leave the rest. Take good care of yourself.
