The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things are going with me... just going.... I should feel they are going good but I must admit I am scared of all the changes.
I have a job again at a special ed. school where I used to work. This IS a good thing because they want ME. I am concerned about going back though. When I left there I was not really happy with the school.... I've been told it has changed... but I tend not to believe unless I can see for myself.
Speaking of needing to see to believe, I’m struggling with my HP. Yes, I do believe there is a HP but I have not had enough visuals. My A always told me I am perceptually impaired… and this is true. I think that maybe I believe there is a general HP but not that I have one. I don’t know… all I know is I really NEED one right now. I have been praying for help, guidance, willingness and health.
My health is another issue which does not have my body at rest. I have been having some serious vision issues the last few months… I can’t see with or without my glasses… not good since I am legally blind without them. My blood pressure has gone from very low to very high. My migraines are not letting up. And I am still loosing weight. I used to have issues with eating too little and I am concerned that if I keep loosing weight I will get those issues again… I have had that pull all my life. Right now I have gotten down to what I weighed 25 years ago.
The regular issues of running a house, paying the bills and raising kids are big on my list too. My son has some issues and now that school is once more a problem… he is having more issues of anger and frustration. My dog is also sick and not getting better… next step is to do scan of the head to look for tumors.
I am realizing I have a lot more anger issues that I have been allowing myself to feel. I now need to deal with them… along with my past issues of abuse. I have a heavy load on my plate and I am struggling with it.
Well, now that I see what is going on in my life not sure what I feel. Sometimes I feel like I just need to be held and not let go…. Comforted and protected…. That is something I have not felt much of.
Sounds like perhaps the first thing to consider is a complete physical workup. For myself after being in Al-anon for a few years and working deeply on my mental, emotional and spiritual aspects the only thing left to consider was my physical self. I too was having difficulty especially in the areas of my energy and emotions. What I finally did was to write down all my physical complaints since my normal was to got to the doctor yet still ignore my ailements in fear of being labeled. It was a good thing that I got honest.... The first thing she found was that my thyroid was not regulated and that I was hypothyroid, hence the tiredness and muscle pain, headaches, etc... that I was experiencing.... within time we found that along with that I had developed type 2 diabetes and am fibromylalegic which had lead to depression. Looking back I truly wish that I had addressed these issues earlier, like when I first came into Alanon and wished I had gotten here sooner.... it truly helps to be real about what we are dealing with.. denial is not our friend in any area of life.
It sounds like you are ready to embrace the steps in seeking a HP.... Be gentle with yourself and I truly believe it helps to work with a sponsor that you believe has a good relationship with their HP to help you in this area.
Most importantly, don't allow all issues to overwhelm you.... one at a time, just as one day at a time... we cannot conquer all things at once, but can embrace the progress when we move forward at a steady pace.
Take care and hope you will be feeling somewhat better soon.
I too have a son that we are dealing with school issues with... joys! :)
As my sponsor says......
I never said it would be easy - I just said it would be worth it!
I'm here if you need it!! I am so happy you got a job - I think that will help alot. I wish I could say something that would change what you are going through - all I can offer is a shoulder to lean on....
linda i can relate....you have a lot on your plate and it feels overwhelming.......
as to the hp???? i look within...and i am seeing that he/she/it does not really get involved in "natural law" stuff....sickness and death visit everywhere....bad events happen to all....so what do i do now???? the stuff that happens and i cannot do anything???? NOTHING..but take care of me....detach from it...release me from the karma and do what i gotta do to take care of me....vent like hell on the boards and the meets....and take care of me.....and LOOK for stuff i can say "thank you" for....it may be hard, i may have to say it through clenched teeth, but to torment the demons, i do it anyway....say THANK YOU....for ANYthing i can think of....and take Xtra loving care of me......i wish there was a magic way we could all get the good we deserve in life..i guess we just gotta make it for ourselves with loving care of our selves...during my grieving now, i had to tell my sister who has her stuff to fret about that "right now i need me for me" i just had to set limits on myself.........hope things get better.....rosie
I too am a visual person and need to see things. That is one of the reasons I am having such a hard time with my A not being in the house. As insane as it was with him here, I could always trust my visual instincts. I realized that when I told him that he had to leave I was giving this up. And that scares me.
Anyway, as far as needing to visualize your Higher Power, I took a book out of the library the other day. It is called Having Had a Spiritual Awakening and is about just that. Seeing ones Higher Power all around us. See if you can pick it up, it may help. I think I expect to see my Higher Power right now doing what I need right now. If I can begin to see Him in other places, maybe it will open my eyes.
Have replied to your email but wanted to post here too so u know I'm thinkin bout ya.(((((big hugs al way from scotland for u)))))
U certainly have a lot going on and it must be overwhelming. I know with my HP(s) I dont get as many visual signs as I'd like - sometimes just feelings, and sometimes just finding strength from who knows where to deal with stuff. I knwo a lot of the stuff you have going on are problems - but maybe ur HP has been helping you in seeing what's your stuff to deal with and taking care of all that instead of your A's stuff, which may have caused you to neglect your own needs, both physical and otherwise. Soemtimes our bodies have to hit meltdown as a way of saying hey, remember me, I need u more than they do - but its a real positive sign that you are now focusing on you and recognising what needs attention - thats the first step to doing what you can to fix it - your Hp comes from within as well as around you.
You have been very strong and courageous and dont ever forget that . HOpe to catch up with u soon.
Love, Light & Strength
and lots n lots of hugs from your wee scots witchypal
