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I just wanted to say first how great all of the support over the years here has been amazing. Thank you! I posted a little while back about how I had come to a point where I felt I needed to leave my ABF of 4 years but felt that there was a wall between me and that outcome. He is not working a program, and while his use is not out of control, I slowly realized that I had been holding onto this hope for years that if he would just stop using he heroin or drinking or get a job, that everything would be better. Well, he's not using and now only drinks occasionally, he has gotten himself TWO jobs, and he is better off than ever before but I have come to find that all those problems are still there. These things won't ever go away, and I am no longer willing to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Initially, I attempted to bring up a break up and have a conversation (like sane people would). He was very calm, then said "I need to leave". He went out, and I called a friend and went to talk things over with her for a few hours. I found out he had taken my debit card and gone on a drinking binge (by looking at my online banking statement). He texted me "Are you even coming home?" around midinght, and I said I was on my way. I came home to a completely trashed apartment. Things broken, strewn everywhere, shower curtain ripped down, and no boyfriend. A quick check of my bank statement told me he was back at the bar up the street. I should have left, but I don't own a car and the buses had stopped running for the night.
The whole night after he came home basically consisted of me trying to stay as calm as possible and wait out the storm until morning when I could pack a bag and get out. He was blackout drunk. It ended with him sobbing on the shower floor at 4am with a razor blade. I couldn't even believe it.
I ended up caving and saying I would stay just to make it stop.
Fast forward a month to now. I still feel the same, and he is operating daily as if nothing happened. I felt very unsafe that night and am unwilling to put myself in that situation again, but I also know that for my own well being, I need to leave. I have made a plan and arranged to move all of my things out one day when he is at work next week. I'm going to meetings for support and praying for everything to go well. I have a LOT of anxiety around this, I've given all of my power to this person and it is so scary to just walk away, even when I know it's what I need to do.
Has any one else made it through this situation, or have any kind words to share? I'm really needing some today.
Do you have a place to go where you will be safe? Would a Domestic Violence shelter be an option for you? Can you call a Domestic Violence crisis line to talk with someone as you make your plan to leave? Yes, you can get away.
What a difficult situation. It is not surprising that you are feeling anxious, anyone would. Its normal. Look after yourself, do what is best for you. It is ok to lean on friends. You do have power - trust yourself.
Sangyaa, I haven't done what you want to do exactly because of why you say you are afraid to do it. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Your story could be my story. I hope you find the advice you need. I wish I had answers for you, and I also wish I could leave. I'm sorry for your situation. Sending hugs.
Hi, I totally know how all this feels. Just last week I had to make the decision to kick out an ex boyfriend because he started binge drinking again. I have no idea where he is and the last time I saw him he was in horrible shape. I have been hanging onto this relationship for 15 years and seriously can't do it anymore. The only way I am getting through this is by telling myself over and over that he is God's responsiblity, not mine. I have been in constant prayer. You will get through this.
I have been in a similar situation. My HP gave me the power I needed to remove the AH from my life and the way to do it that wouldn't heighten the potential for violence against me. I couldn't have made any change without asking for God's will and the power to carry it out in the way I knew to do it at the time. Your HP knows what you need, where you need to go, how you need to do it and will be with you through all the changes that will come about when you move beyond this life that is yours now.
Your share resonates with me very much. I had very difficult time leaving my alcoholic - addict boyfriend of 4,5 years too. He was never abusive, but emotionally, we were both very much suffering. A true toxic relationship full of denial in our case. Big love too. So confusing. We kept on breaking up and getting back together in last 2 years. All my friends telling me what to do ( telling me to finally stop it and not take him back). All with best interetes in hearts. I could never listen to them. Until one day when i made major decision to give this relationship one last try, For 4 weeks. Full on try, I gave it everything. I changed my work, my house,my life for 4 weeks to do this. Lot of sacrifice on my side. And when it didn't work, I saw with my own eyes that it is not meant to be ( for me, for now, for good). In my experience- only when I knew i couldnt give it any more that that, to make it better, it released me from fear and I did end our relationship.... and so far he is still my ex, so it worked! I am in much more in peace now,left to deal with my own recovery. very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope you find some peace soon.
I can very much relate and after 15 years with my exAH things got bad and I was scared for myself and for him and even the kids seeing the chaos. My AH had blacked out a few times in a short period of times and each time things were taken way too far and I knew I was finally done. It took me awhile to figure out how to leave with the kids and get things in order. With al-anon, my sponsor and many great friends I managed to get out and things have only gotten better ever since. Things at times are still hard, but the relief and work I am able to put into myself and my kids without constant chaos or crisis happening is priceless. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I left my home and husband of 12 years the night after a weird drunken episode with him. It had been building up. I left with my car packed. Didn't look back. Sold our home and all. Then, somehow while still actively abusing pain pills and alcohol, he managed to move into my new home with me. Only briefly. I ended up calling the cops and made him leave. And as we speak, he will be coming out of rehab to live with me on Monday. He's been clean 45 days. I'm hopeful and worried at the same time.
It's scary to be in the situation you are in. Scary to leave. For me, it was best I did. I immediately felt better within one hour of being gone. It was all so crazy then.
Some people are going to think I'm crazy for trying again to work things out. It's been 18 months.
Never stay in a situation where you don't feel safe, it's that point that I left.
I'm so sorry this is happening. If I understand correctly, he was in the shower planning to use the razor blade on himself? You can call the police and they will help in an emergeny like that. No one should have to handle that alone. But it does sound as if the idea that you're leaving triggers him to do drastic things, and that is worrying for your safety as well as his. Do take very good care.
Thank you for your responses, everyone. It is so helpful to hear that others have made it through this.
Yesterday I made the decision to leave a week earlier than I had first planned, after a long and hate-filled rant from him that seemed to come out of nowhere. I felt that. I really couldn't stay here another week.
Everything is in place for me to leave today when he goes to work. We actually had a rare calm and problem free evening last night, which makes this much harder to do.
I do still love him and care deeply about him, so imagining him walking through the door and realizing what I've done is very painful.
I'm just trying to trust that I'm doing this for many good reasons and will be so much better off after.
I do still love him and care deeply about him, so imagining him walking through the door and realizing what I've done is very painful.
(Bolding - mine). When I left my AH of 13 years, I was also apt to blame myself for hurting him by being the one to leave. Never mind his bullying and what I now refer to as the 'gun incident'. Now, hindsight being 20/20 and Al-Anon pulling the blinders off my eyes, I can see that what I did was what any self-respecting, healthy person would have done.
Hang in there. You are doing great. You are doing this in a so much more level headed way than I did.
Thanks, clearthefog, that was some much-needed clarity. I did get myself moved out today and am feeling pretty wretched. I will be getting myself to a meeting asap.
I definitely feel my 'sick brain' trying to assert itself full force today. I am doing my best to stay rational and to recognize these thoughts for what they are.
The way I see it, I'm over the first big hurdle of physically removing myself and the next big hurdle will be when he finds out I've gone.
I've decided to let his parents know what's going on after he's off work so they can call and make sure he's OK. I think the best thing might be to turn my phone off for the night and just try to stay focused and calm. Easier said than done, right?
Anyway, once again, thank you all for giving me feedback during this difficult time. It helps so much.
Thanks, clearthefog, that was some much-needed clarity. I did get myself moved out today and am feeling pretty wretched. I will be getting myself to a meeting asap.
I definitely feel my 'sick brain' trying to assert itself full force today. I am doing my best to stay rational and to recognize these thoughts for what they are.
The way I see it, I'm over the first big hurdle of physically removing myself and the next big hurdle will be when he finds out I've gone.
I've decided to let his parents know what's going on after he's off work so they can call and make sure he's OK. I think the best thing might be to turn my phone off for the night and just try to stay focused and calm. Easier said than done, right?
Anyway, once again, thank you all for giving me feedback during this difficult time. It helps so much.
You have chosen to take a step beyond the old one! It takes so much courage to do what you've done. There were times I wanted to go back to my husband, but something always helped me stay the course of learning how to love myself more. As we learn in Al Anon, .taking good care of ourselves is the best way to help our loved ones. I am glad to see you are or have gone to a meeting tonight. What a blessing these meetings are for us. You deserve to live in peace without fear. I do hope your evening is peaceful and your tomorrows fear-free, too.
