If you can't decide whether you are coming at this from a healthy perspective or not, this is a good sign that you are not ready yet. There is no hurry here, no deadline. If you are worried about your 'biological clock', getting older and still single, etc. then stop and think for a minute. Once you are married, have a couple of kids with a guy, it's a lot harder to get out of a bad relationship. Much better to take your time now, and work on you.

You will know that you have changed when the type of guy who attracts you treats you differently than the type you used to like. When the focus is on how good you feel when you are with him, rather than worrying about how HE feels about you. I have always gone for the emotionally unavailable kind myself, and I realize that there were big red flags flying all over when I married my A - I just chose not to see them.

I read the other replies & I can't agree more! I remember reading that passage from Courage to Change about going to a hardware store to buy bread! I can totoally relate!!

 I am married to an A. We dated for 4 years!!!! You'ld think I would have known! LOL! The others I dated before him were much worse, doudly addicted to drugs & hard liquor. He just drinks beer, no illegal drugs. I thought that was a good thing. Silly me. We've been married 12 years last Nov. He really does love me, that I know in my head. It is just that he can't be there for me emotionally! A couple 2-3 years ago, I was going through a really bad time. I was hitting my rock bottom. I was depressed, cried, did so many crazy things. I wanted him to comfort me, to hold me. He was drunk most every night. The more he drank, the worse I got, the more he drank, it was a vicious cycle! I'ld cry & sob, he'ld say "what do you want me to do?" Well, that did it, I'ld start sobbing more!!! I'ld say "nothing, just what you are doing, nothing", then I'ld cry more!!! I felt like he didn't love me, I as much as asked him why he hated me!!! It was horrible.

I had gone to a few Alanon meetings, but wasn't really into the program. I was an emotioal wreck!! So depressed I couldn't concentrate, could't focus. I felt my life was over. I went to a therapist, went on antidepressants. Even saw a lawyer & filed for divorce. In 2004 I changed my mind. I had begged him to leave, he refused, said "it's my house too." And he was right. He said he'ld leave when he found the "right place" to go to. Now mind you his parents have a house converted into apartments not far from here (NY) & they live in Fla. year-round, so there was room for him to stay there. He refused to even do that. The longer he stayed, the more i gave in.

I've since been more faithful with my Alanon program. I go to f2f as often as I can. I have a crazy work schedule. Work 3-11 pm shift. We live in a rural area, so meetings are not close, not the ones I am able to attend on my nights off. But, I go as often as I can, online meetings when I can, read daily, make Alanon  calls, That has helpd me.

So, if you have any doubts, please reconsider, take care of YOU!!! Once you marry that is it, a lot harder to end relationship. I wish I had Alanon when I was younger. Never heard of it. Met my hubby when I was 31, got married when I was 35 yrs old. Thought I was going to be an old maid. I am going to be 48 this May. I have friends, my age, who are single & loving it!!

I don't know how old you are, but please take your time, find the kind of person you need & deserve! If we ever got divorced or God forbid, he died, I don't think I'ld date again!! But we never know. At least I have the program & I hopefully would not pick another "emotionally unavailable" person!

Good luck!!

Deb