The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all. This great group and your shares on this page really keep me going for last few months. This is my first post and possible not last.
I am currently visiting my home country, my hometown and staying with my folks that I haven't seen for past 18 months. We usually get on very well ( not surprising of course, I am great at keeping my distance and keeping my parents out of my life for last 14 years.. hint hint..), weekly calls and here and there an email and annual visits home is pretty much all that I do. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but being in their presence sets off amazing ball of stress and unhealthy reactions in me ( which I am more aware of here than normal). And now, with some recovery behind me, I watch myself with much interest as well as surprise.
I grew up culture where alcohol is part of normal daily life. Many of my family members are struggling with alcohol issues and so was my father when I used to grow up. He is no longer rolling home drunk day after day after day keeping us all in frenzy of crazy behaviour, yet, as soon as I am here, my old patterns are very much alive. I have learned in this forum and in AL Anon literature that absence of active alcoholic in my life will not 'cure' me of my compulsive survival tools i have learned as a child. I am very grateful for this, for opening my eyes to this disease and to giving me start point of my own recovery. But today is my 4th day in here and i am in shock just how much I am involved in this crazyness. I arrived hoping to be able to set down some boundaries with my over-controlling mum ( which I love and whose actions i now fully understand) and be able to be honest and open to my authoritative dad ( which I have full respect for, despite the crazyness). But I have failed at every possibility that arose.
To be more concrete, my parents do not hesitate to offer me ( non stop) unsolicitated advice. Their opinions are very different from mine and they are not shy from keeping back critisism of any action, thoughts, idea that I have. As a perfect codependent, I strive to be a good daughter that they can be proud of, yet I seem to be the opposite - never good enough. These moments are potent with clashes, fights and arguments... something that I am still very good at avoiding at all cost. But as this was my 4th day, I was running out of patience. I am so terrified to stand up for myself, I freeze. I freeze everytime my HP puts me in this moment of possible change. My little girl is unable to fight back, to talk back, neither to explain with love and understanding, my little girl froze each time. Literally, physically, I am not able to respond in any mature way. My stomach is in nots, I feel a lot of fear and I am unable to think clearly. Such strong reaction this anvironment has on me right now. And so I asked for some help.. a loving friend tonight ( that is not in any 12 step program but My gosh, she sounds like years in recovery! :) have offered me a lot of loving words, courage and helped me to see this situation from different perspective. And thats all I needed. Suddenly, the heaviness of situation has lifted and I see a new potential. Perhaps spending the rest of week trying to be more balanced. Perhaps spending the rest of week not 'trying' so hard ;) Perhaps praying for willingness will bring me more peace.
Thank you for letting me share. Hope you all are having a good, good evening.
I have a sponsee who had a very similar situation with her family and her "inner Child" Her inner child (herself) has been terribly neglected, ignored and made invisible all her life . We have worked out an arrangement where she acknowledges her inner child in each situation tells her she knows she is frightened but that HP and the grown up self is now present and will protect her and take her hand if she becomes afraid This quiets her fearful voice and she can respond from her adult self This took practice and slowly it worked all the time
yes.... sounds like something i need to do. Thank you for the input! Going to Inner Child weekend retreat this June ( 12 step program), so i look forward possible practise :)
I had much better day today, thou it started rather gloomy. I sat in our kitchen whole morning waiting, hoping to get some easy 'friendly' interaction going between me and dad while mum was at work.. but he was too busy on internet with his collection hobbies. And there I was, thinking i had to make quality time with dad, otherwise this vist is pointless, while my dad had obviously no interests in such things at all! Duh! After 2 or 3 hours of being bored ( and when i run out of reading material from morning papers) i realized i need to Get out of his face and Get on with my life. I run out of patience waiting for opportunities to please him and was instead watching myself getting more and more uptight about it! such waste of my time. Had lovely day afterwards!!
Hi happy and welcome. I really liked your share. You can tell your recovery is working, you sound full of awareness and maybe all you need is practice. Keep doing what your doing, handing it over to your hp and asking for willingness. Thanks for sharing your insight.
