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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Dealing with my Alcohaulic Mom
Post Info TOPIC: Dealing with my Alcohaulic Mom
aroundthewayJ


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Dealing with my Alcohaulic Mom
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I am new to Alanon, and spent many years avoiding getting involved in Alanon until I was forced to when my life threw up.

I grew up with an alcohaulic mother. She is now 16 years "sober" yet she still has all of the typical alcohaulic behaviors. Selfishness, narcassism, attention whoring. Took her to her first meeting when I was 17. She left NYC where we were living wheN I was 17 years old, leaving me in NY as a teenager. I became preganant with my daughter who is now 15 and after a series of events, she was accepted into an extremely academic school that is nationally ranked. We moved from NYC to New Orleans and now I live three blocks from my mother and now, she has glommed on to every aspect of my life. EVERY day trying to control me and my daughter and everything from how I dress, to how I decorate my apartment, to my daughters doctors appointments. Im too fat, if Im skinny, she has to go on crazy diets to get skinny. If I go to yoga (which is my only escape as of lately) she needs to be behind me. This isnt in a loving way. This is in a "you cant have something Im not a part of" way. NO boundaries. When I try to set boundaries, it becomes her screaming and verbally abusive followed with her guilting me. She continues to put me in the roll of the second most important after her current husband. She once told me she would pick him over me because one day I would grow up and leave her. To this day, we all walk on eggshells to not upset her husband. Its psychotic. Its a constant battle with me. Its a constant competition with me. Constant putting down or trying to correct me. She scoffs at alanon. The thought of me going freaks her out.

I cant help but to hold on to so many resentments. All of this just kicks up so many feelings. She was NEVER there for me as a teenager. She abandoned me when I was pregnant. I lived off of food pantry programs at that time! My best friends family took me in and to this day have been more of a family then my actual family. NOW she wants to be involved in everything in my life and my daughters life because it makes it seem to her friends like she was always there. Its all about her. All. The. Time. When there is no drama, she creates drama so she has something to be in a tizzy over.

When I lived in NYC I could avoid her and her calls. Now she just shows up. She wants to spend all weekend together, she wants to carpool every day to and from work together. Im, as usual, the one here to keep her occupied because her husband wants no part of it. I think a large part of why I have been so afraid of commitment my whole life has to do with how my mom treated us in comparison to her boyfriends. She NEVER made an amends to me. To everyone else, including the guy who owned the corner store but NEVER to me.

Its just been really hard to manage lately, so now I am here in the alanon forums.  I plan on attending my first meeting next week before my brain explodes.

 



-- Edited by aroundthewayJ on Wednesday 3rd of April 2013 02:50:48 PM

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Temple


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Welcome!

You are on the right track, coming here and going to Alanon meetings are the way to improve your life.

There's a book, Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drews. (We can't get them sober, but it's a catchier title than "Taking Care of You when an Alcoholic is Trying to be Up In Your Grill 24/7") It's a real sanity saver.

You will learn so much. Good for you and your friend's family for getting you reared in spite of all. You will learn how to say No and have it stick. Keep coming, reading, attending meetings, working it.

Blessings,
Temple

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
el-cee


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I too have been affected by alcoholism and I struggle with boundaries. I think being affected means there are certain things we all have in common like low self esteem. We don't put our needs before anyone else. Boundaries that are healthy like saying to your mum she must not show up uninvited are difficult for us because we seek approval and let guilt or fear lead us. I mean it's perfectly reasonable to set clear boundaries and hurts no one and in fact will lead to better relationships due to less resentment. It is difficult changing a lifetime of negative thought processes but through al anon it is possible. Go to a meeting, listen and open your mind. There is another way to live.x



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hotrod


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Welcome to Miracles in Progress Aroundthe way
 
I am so glad you reached out and shared. You certainly have endured much in your short life and I urge you to run do not walk to the nearest alanon meeting .

Unfortunately, the behavior you describe is not unusual while sharing your life with a significant other who has the with the disease of alcoholism. . We do believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. Having been seriously affected by this disease we also need a program of recovery.

Breaking the isolation caused by the disease, learning to keep the focus on ouselves, while interacting with others in a positive manner is a true gift of alanon. Here we learn to act in our own best interest and not react. It has improved all my relationships.

 

.Al-Anon is for friends and relatives of Alcoholics. If you have been affected by someone else's drinking then Al-Anon is for you!

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

And placing your cursor over about us in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these is information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both have good information

Please keep coming here and sharing the journey



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
pinkchip


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Getting sober doesn't always take away underlying personality pathology. Your mom sounds like she has a borderline personality disorder or something. Try googling that and see if it applies. Regardless, the way of handling that type of person is similar to what you'd learn in alanon and the behaviors are overlapping. Detachment is crucial.

I don't know how active ACOA (adult children of alcholics) is near you, but that seems to really be at the root of much of this. Being an ACOA is so different than growing up with a "normal" parent. I know there are some members on here that directly can share in your experience and I'm hoping they respond to this thread. There are a lot of ACOA's in alanon too. You are not alone.

Your post truly reminds me of the movie "mommy dearest" and of course she (Joan Crawford) was a big drunk too (but also with a personality disorder). Watching that could either be catharctic or too painful.

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beckon11


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                Hi there,

     I so can relate to everything you said.

+smile I love with my dry drunk alcholic mom. My daughter 18yrs also lives with us.

Thank God for the large basement/which was planned before we purchased the home.

I chose to be my mothers caretaker/she is elderly.Yet sharp as a tack,and still pretty active.

I thought I could handle her ,because she has mellowed. Wrong!! I have been nearly drove insane,

 

Buy some good alanon books.

Read them day and niight. Put as much distance as you can between you quys

She wont change.You have to. Plz write back if you wish.Would love to hear from you.

 

Beckysmilesmile

 

 



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beckon11usa
beckon11


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Oops Live with!! Silly me.smilesmile Becky



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beckon11usa
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