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My husband has a friend I really don't like. He has done alot of drugs with him and his friend has been known to buy and sell stuff. Each time my husband has done something really bad it has been with or fromthis particular friend. He claims they are close like brothers and won't cut him off he just sneaks and texts him or sees him with out saying it.
Anyway my husband has three weeks clean and sober. He screwed up and did meth. He friend was loosly involved. His friend has quit (for now) inthe last few weeks.
My husband needed help in his shop and after a few days if asking I gave in and said the friend could come over and help because he does know what he is doing and is availible. Anyway now they are back to hangin all the time and it is 10 at night and my hubby is over there and I am not happy about it. somehow this boundry has been pushed til it is business as usuall.
My question trying to step back and not be controling how do I handle this? Can I say don't be around this person or should I step back and say it is what it is I can't control it? I just don't know how to handle this? What is reasonable and controlable for me?
If it was me I would say "it does not work for me having your friend over to our home (I remember your business was at your home?), if you choose to hang out with him you will have to do it somewhere else, and the next time you choose to engage your substance abuse addictions, you will be moving out. I am done". Your life is in danger and you cannot control who your husband sees or what your husband does...sounds like he is going to use no matter what you say or do. He has to know the gig is up and, if he wants a chance with a healthier life with you, he has to choose recovery, not just stop substances...he will not choose recovery until he surrenders to his Higher Power. I had to find a badass counselor, go to face to face meetings and get a sponsor before I would budge from my la la land and grasp the truth and severity of my situation and take action. The action was for ME and I let my husband go to find his own way. I did not give him any ultimatums, just told him to go I was not living with the addictions any longer. Thankfully, he chose recovery and I let him back into my life, but I was really ready to live life without him. Hugs to you
It sounds upsetting and I understand how frightening this is. Accepting that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless is a difficult concept. The first step states" ADMITTED " we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. Trying to control the alcoholic and alcohol makes our lives unmanageable and is not possible.
We are asked to take our attention and focus back to ourselves and learn how to act and not react in our own best interest.
In this situation, remembering that your hubby is an adult and responsible for his own illness is important. It is also important to state how you feel and then take care of yourself. Go to a meeting, pray, read the C2C make an Alanon call so you are at peace and trust HP with the outcome.
If your husband was in recovery he would ideally have a sponsor and be going to lots of meetings and he would pick up one or all of the MULTIPLE saying we have in AA/NA about needing to change playmates and playgrounds, how if you hang out long enough in a barbershop you will get a haircut...etc. His sponsor would clue into this stuff and point it out. Again.....if he were seeking real recovery....and that's a big "if." These are lessons to be learned in the rooms of recovery for him and he has to be open to it. They are not lessons he is likely to learn from his wife. He and his disease (which is soooo far from gone just cuz he is clean for 3 weeks) are always going to flip it and say "She doesn't even let me hang with my friends!!!"
So...if he want's recovery, he should get a sponsor and go to more meetings and he will learn these things without your help. You are not the one to be his sponsor or point these things out.
What you may be dealing with is someone who needs to slam their head into the figurative brick wall of relapse before they finally adopt a true program of recovery and stop trying to rely on their wife and other outside influences to be their recovery/higher power/sponsor.
For you, alanon is where to accept this and detach. You are up against a disease. It's not an act of him using meth. It's not the acts of him and this friend. It's a hugely powerful and overwhelming disease. You can feel free to point out concerns...you are his wife. But for your own serenity, if you can't drop it and recognize where you are powerless over his disease...that's gonna be a problem and one that alanon IS designed to help you with. He has to be the one to fully concede which friends are no good for him. He has to be the one to adopt a whole new way of life that compliments being sober and supports it. YOU are far better of being the one that steps out of the way and allows this to happen or accepts it's not gonna happen and acts according to what you want to do.
If it was me I would say "it does not work for me having your friend over to our home (I remember your business was at your home?), if you choose to hang out with him you will have to do it somewhere else, and the next time you choose to engage your substance abuse addictions, you will be moving out. I am done". Your life is in danger and you cannot control who your husband sees or what your husband does...sounds like he is going to use no matter what you say or do. He has to know the gig is up and, if he wants a chance with a healthier life with you, he has to choose recovery, not just stop substances...he will not choose recovery until he surrenders to his Higher Power. I had to find a badass counselor, go to face to face meetings and get a sponsor before I would budge from my la la land and grasp the truth and severity of my situation and take action. The action was for ME and I let my husband go to find his own way. I did not give him any ultimatums, just told him to go I was not living with the addictions any longer. Thankfully, he chose recovery and I let him back into my life, but I was really ready to live life without him. Hugs to you
Thank you I like your thoughts on this and setting bounderies for "me". I did make it well known next time he chooses to use it is over. We talk about it often and He is very aware. I think you are right I can't control who he sees or talks to but I can control them being around me and kids.
My hUsband has a lot of experience with AA but doesn't have a sponser right now. I think as he continues to try differnt meeting to find one he likes he will find one again. His ex started going to his favorate early bird meeting and it just ruined his desire to share and participate. I am confident at this point he isn't using. I can spot behavior changes with pills, he used for three years he has 3 months off them now. He used meth for about 2-3 weeks. I have seen him gain weight, sleep and eat since then and he isn't like a "walking shell" of himself he was then. So I am sure he isn't doing it. But this particular friend even though he is trying to be clean bothers me in a big way. I have no confidence he will stay clean for long. I also have a hard time with things I am learning/practicing here in alnon when he is around me. It brings back all of the emotions I had when I found out he was using meth, the crazyness in my head comes right back. The guy is a nice guy I just get angry and panicy when ever he is around. I think saying no to him at our home is a good thing and reasonable. It seems like a good line to draw "I" don't have to be around him. It is realistic and measurable. Thank you.
You are so sweet...people probably just want to be around you I understand completely your anxiety when this fellow is around...there isn't much good that has come out of his presence, right? Take good care of you, learn some healthy boundaries to do just that and life will look oh so much brighter...You are precious.
I understand completely your anxiety when this fellow is around...there isn't much good that has come out of his presence, right? Take good care of you, learn some healthy boundaries to do just that and life will look oh so much brighter...You are precious.