Where do I find the strength to deal or support or help my alcoholic husband - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

Where do I find the strength to deal or support or help my alcoholic husband

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((((sadsusie))) Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I am so very happy that you found us and had the courage to share with such clarity and honesty. I am truly sorry that you are experiencing these painful issues which I can identify with and which are understandable when living with the disease of alcoholism.. Since alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless, Alanon gives us the ability to break the isolation caused by this disease, and new tools to live by. Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live, or have lived with the problem of alcoholism We understand as few others can . Face to face meetings can be found in most communities . Check the white pages for the hotline number. I urge you to attend It is here I learned to focus on myself, validate my own self esteem, take care of myself, trust a higher Power and how to ACT and not REAct

Please keep coming back here There is hope

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thank you for your encouragement. At this time I am doubtful that I would be able to make it to a meeting. I barely make it to work and back without being checked in upon. I have been trying to review the 12 steps...wow.

None the less, I do feel more hopeful. I need to find a way to not take his words at face value...to believe that they are just a defense mechanism perhaps. I need to find away to stand up for myself without standing against him...that is going to be the hardest part -so that it does not cause a fight. I need to find away to believe that he can get through this. I have been quite selfish being the victim thereby ignoring him..and his depression/reason to drink... yet I feel so justified in tending to *my* wounds first. I cannot control his drinking...I cannot control his meanness, for lack of a better word, but I am not able to support him while I put myself at risk of "attack". I think he is going to have to get help first.

Any sayings that may help me gain clarity would be appreciated.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sadsusie

If you are unable to attend face to face meetings we have on line meetings here 2xs a day You can connect and participate by going to: http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Our Current Meeting Schedule is:
Group Business Meeting held in this room on
The FIRST SUNDAY OF EACH MONTH immediately following 7PM meeting.

(Morning Meetings)
Mon. - Fri. at 9am eastern time
Sat - Sun. - 10am eastern time

(Nite Meetings)
Mon -Saturday 9PM eastern time

You are correct it is important to validate yourself without conflict and arguing Alanon calls that Detachment with love . It is the process where we disconnect emotionally from the "Feelings" of others and focus on our own feelings, wants, needs and act in our own best interest in a loving compassionate manner. This takes time and effort. To help this process we suggest that minute to minute you check in on yourself and remind yourself to:

Keep the focus on yourself. Live in the present moment, not the past or the future, stop judging or critiquing yourself or others. Here are some slogans that might help

Live and Let Live The important word here is "Live"

Let go and Let God

Keep the Focus on yourself

Let it begin with me

How important is it?

Keep it Simple

Listen and Learn

As others have suggested please take care of you so that you can take care of others

,

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 3rd of April 2013 08:38:10 AM

pixie · Veteran Member

Sadsusie you have to think and take care of yourself or it will only get worse or at least not better until or if he decides to clean up his act.I've been married to my husband for almost 29 years and it never got better.I can't go to meetings either.The ones around me are in the evening and that's when my husband is home.I'm not afraid of him,he's not physically violent but I don't need the argument he'd give me.It's not worth it and when he gets aggravated he drinks more.Find things that make you happy,things that are fun for you to do with friends or by yourself.Don't let what he says or does bother you.Live your life for you.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sadsusie,

Welcome, it is great that you have found these MIP pages, I am sure that you will get lots of information and support from reading the posts here.

You ARE a good wife, as someone said in another post a while back, you crossed that line ages ago.

I'm not surprised that you are exhausted, you've been through a lot and it sounds as if you have done an amazing job.

A friend of mine once told me 'you can't give from an empty cup, and boy do you want to give.' At the time my mother was dying and my friend's comment really helped me to realise that I needed to take care of myself first if I wanted to take care of anyone or anything else.

The second experience that I would like to share with you is my own experience of when things started to get better in my relationship with my AH. Like you, I was running around trying to make the world right so that we could both be happy. I am actually quite proud of what I managed to pull off! As the years slipped by AH's needs became more and more out of kilter with my own though. However, still I thought that if I could just sort this one thing, then I'd have some peace to do some of the things that I wanted to do. As you can guess, there was always something else coming up. Finally, a few months after AH started an affair, leaving me to clear up our problems and keep house while another woman got the good times, I gave up trying so hard. Long overdue to say the least, but by this point I had no idea what a 'normal' relationship looked like.

The weird thing is that when I finally admitted that I could no longer live with an alcoholic adulterer I started to feel better and to get a clearer perspective on what was important and what was not my issue to deal with. It was after this that AH admitted that he had problems and he tried to stop drinking for the first time. I guess before that he didn't really have a problem - he could drink, sleep around and have a house keeper/money earner on hand to do the chores. Even I can see the appeal in some of that

I was the one with the problems!!

Since then we have continued to work at our relationship and things are slowly getting better. My part in this journey is to share the chores/problems and to hand responsibility to my husband whilst believing he is capable of handling it. If he is not capable (ie when he pulls the little boy needs help trick) I ask him if he needs help because what I see is an intelligent, fifty something fit looking man and I feel certain he can do this task?

I think that in our situation it is very difficult for us to show vulnerability - our experience is that our weaknesses are used against us. I don't think that is right and I don't think that it does either my husband or myself any good at all to let it continue.

The actions that I have taken to help improve our life together include regular visits to spa to pamper myself with a massage, meditation, reading a fabulous booked called Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews, spending time with my friends and family, moving into the spare room, only cooking meals when I want to eat, re-reading Getting Them Sober(!), painting my finger nails, walking with my dog. I have stopped running to my husband's side whenever he asks for something. The sky has not fallen in, in fact AH has largely stopped drinking and is looking for healthier ways to get better. All because he has started to take responsibility for his part.

My lesson from all of this is that there is nothing that I can do to make AH stop drinking. However I can make sure that I am in good health when he does

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Susie Welcome. I am sorry you are going through this. I can feel the pain and anxiety in your post. For me, I have found great comfort on this board. My husband also abuses alcohol and drugs. I am the sole income earner and feel lots of resentment about that, but also love him and want to help him. What I am learning though is that, he has to want help and he needs to help himself. I cant fixall is troubles. Weve been together 25 yrs, so if I could fix things all would be perfect by now! I am trying to focus more on taking care of my needs first. You sound to me like an extremely capable and competent woman, and business person, and wife. Perhaps it is your husband who is not so capable, and projecting his insecurities back on you? Keep coming back, read the books and literature, be kind to yourself. Things will get better. Hugs

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

How do I find the strenght to focus on his needs?

This is what struck me in your post. An addict/alcoholic is a bottomless pit of needs and you have no strength because you are used up and will continue to lose your strength and power until you begin to take the focus off of him and transfer it to you. For years, I did not return to al anon because I conviced myself I needed to avoid the criticisms, passive aggressive comments/behavior. The truth was I did not want to see what a sham my marriage was due to the drinking (which eventually spiraled into perscription drug addictions)...did I want him to be my soulmate? Yes, but I could be his soulmate not living with him and his abusive behaviors. Yes, my husband was threatened when I began to get well so he upped his crappy behavior, but he was scared that he was losing his control over me, which he was. It sounds like you are already thinking death would be better than your current life....I have been there, too. I had to make a choice for my life, therefore I had to take risks. Did I sometimes sneak to go to meetings? You bet, I did whatever I had to do to get well and save my soul...it was crying out to me so loudly. Face to face Al Anon meetings and the Al Anon tools saved my life and it was worth it Big hug

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie - step by step, if you do attend alanon, I believe this situation will get better and you will get some answers. There are multiple issues in play from all you wrote and right now it just seems like a big overwhelming glob of sickness (which it is). Some of this you are powerless over (most of the things having to do with him) - some of the things you are not powerless over (the things having to do with yourself and your own thoughts).

It does sound like you feel trapped and are not giving yourself the option even of possibly admitting he's not the one. That he's not your "soulmate." It sounds like you want it to be more than it actually is. Not convincing you to leave but I am trying to crack the door on those imprisoned thinking patterns that have you as a hostage to him rather than a partner. Those notions are keeping you locked into to someone that mistreats you and degrades you. It's a merry go round because it would seem part of you is challenging all the negative imput...you want to believe you are better, worth more...etc but when you take steps and that direction, you are not longer compatible with him because (like many alcoholic/addicts) they need someone that feels bad about themselves in order to stay with them. They requires someone that has low self esteem and self worth so that they will put up with garbage, abuse and then ask "How can I do better? How can I be a better partner to this person who is a terrible partner to me in almost every way" instead of "I don't deserve this. Your actions are unacceptable..See ya." So...the fear of being alone and that this might not be the husband of your dreams can keep you locked into going back to that sad, depressed, and trapped feeling. Also, who says you aren't already a perfect wife?...a good wife? a great wife? You are trying to be a "good wife" for someone so sick and abusive that it literally turns you into somone that abuses themself. I'm quite sure you are a wonderful wife and a great person but in the context of him? It's an impossible task to be the pinup of a "good wife" for someone that unhealthy.

What adds to depression the most is not so much when situations are bad but it's when you view yourself as helpless and having no choices. The first choice can be to go to alanon and from there, other choices, options etc will work out. It sounds like you are living with an immensely controlling and seriously mentally abusive person so you will need to keep reaching out and I'd be willing to bet he will try to put a kabosh on you doing anything for yourself but as they say.....if nothing changes, nothing changes. Praying for you....

**Also, I don't want to scare or overwhelm you but the abuse you are describing does sound like emotional and mental abuse severe enough to really warrant going to a domestic abuse center or women's support services of some type. He has not hit you it sounds like but he has you to the point where you are doing it to yourself. It's not safe.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with pinkchip about the severity of the abuse...now I know why your post kept gnawing at me. This is not a safe situation for you. Bless you honey and don't let go of this forum.

Sincerely · Senior Member

(((((sadsusie))))

you are in my prayers today.

please be gentle to yourself. when the day seems to hard to handle, take things one minute at a time.

when i first started coming to alanon, i focused on gratitude. i used the alphabet list and went through my abc's of what i had in life to be grateful for. I remember so often being grateful for my afagan I was wrapped up in.

it is hard. but it is possible to live a life of joy.

keep coming back. you will find the strength you need here and with HP.

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thank you all for your support and comfort. I had a rough morning.

He has been sleeping in a different bed (mostly because he refuses to take a shower and I dont want him to get our sheets dirty haha).But he came up to our bed last night to say he missed me and loved me and was sorry and that all the mean things he said , of course, were not true. It made me feel better for a moment, but still doesnt erase the pain.

We talked a bit this morning but he is still so negativehow we dont have any food in the house and no lunch meat. So I said I would go to the store. He hates that I go to the store, or anywhere alone. He , although I make up my own excuses to deny it to myself, is very controlling. I go to walmart pretty frequently..for my store and I am a bit forgetfuland he talks to me like I am having an affair with walmart!

So I went to the store and called to see what he wanted, and I am always afraid I am going to forget something or get the wrong amount to slice the cheese wrong.(which I did). Big deal right. And I started getting frustrated because the tone of his voice was frustrated because he was not there with me. (which makes me feel like he blames me for him not being there) So I guess my tone set him off and he actually said to me who do you think you are like I am not allowed to have a tone in my voice. I am tired of feeling like I need to kiss his butt all the time.

When I got home I actually cried the whole way. I threw the groceries in the cupboards and fridge ( along with his bottle of Crown). He says so how was your day I mumble fine and he says that is what I thought you would askMEoh my gosh, I couldnt take it so I ran out the door and drove off.the neighbors actually were going to call the cops (although I was not that crazy). But we live on a small barrier island and they may have been renters..not sure. But isnt that what I need. This is getting out of control (I am getting out of control)

I asked my husband to please call his friend(in the rental market) to find me a place to stay I cant live like this anymore, he said he cant live like this anymore either. Yet, no call has been made. And I am upstairs calming downI took a xanax. I cant lie. I dont do it often, but it helps me calm down. Slippery slope I know.

I explained to my huband that I just cant take the way the talks to me any more. And he pretty much reiterated that back to me.that he cant take me any more. I guess my kissing his a** our whole marriage has giving him the impression that everythingwas fine.but I just cant do it anymore like you said the glass is empty there is nothing left, He wants and needs me to be supportive to help him.how to I make him understand thatI don't have it in me anymore..

I believe he is my soul mate, but I dont necessarily believe that I have to live with him he is my soul mate no matter what . I have come to terms with being alone. Not being able to bear children will haunt me forever, but living alone I can do. Not sure about making any progress today..I took a xanax to calm down. That too bothers me a bit..it is a slippery slope,

Thank you again and again, and again.

sweeetr · Senior Member

Hi there Sadsusie

I too run two business' (on my own) one is mine and the other is primarily "his" tho I do all work except physical labor for his ... His is a hunting/fishing guide and camp service... great excusse to drink even more than "his" normal.
Any way .. I have never been to a face to face other than the two AA meetings I attended supporting my husband (he never went back) it was just a way to get back in the house. .....

I read Getting them sober (vol1) was most helpful to me, I also read The New Codependency, Every thing I never wanted to be and I am currently reading It will never happen to me.
Educating myself with these tools and having support online has helped me TREMENDOUSLY !!

I lost my temper once and had written about him pushing my buttons... someone said... move your buttons... HMMM I have done better on my personal growth becasue of that statement !

Im fixing to start seeing a counselor and bringing my son in the near future. I am trying to live up to my vows also, for better or worse (as long as no abuse)... but remember the vows also said he was suppose to love and respect you !!!
DONT FEEL QUILTY !!!!

concentrate on YOU !!!!! your AH will drink more, he will try to argue more, but honestly .. isnt he anyway is why your hear .... Know you are a good wife... know you are a good business person .... (protect yourself financially) and live for YOU ......

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sadsusie

Thanks for returning and sharing your day. It certainly sounds as if it would be best for you both to find different living arrangements for a time. Expecting him to arrange for your new place may not be the best choice for you.

Mark's post above suggested that you check the hotline for Abused Women shelters in you area and call yourself. It is important to break the isolation caused by this disease and connect with others who understand. He would benefit greatly from attending AA and having mates he can connect to for support and inspiration.

Please try the on line meetings if all else fails

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thanks,

I feel like he and I are on completely different pages. I suppose the fact that" he is an alcoholic contribute to his "psychosis"/behavior towards me even if he isn't wasted. Do you think that is true?

He is not wasted (but has been drinking beer since he woke up). I have been asleep for a few hours upstairs and just wanted to go downstairs to see him. not really sure why or what I was going to say I didn't really expect him to say much. He didn't other than complain that all I said was "i love you" and nothing else. "that's a way to make me feel better". I tried telling him that I just wanted to sit with him for a minute..Which he didn't really care. He did try to tell me about something (that was a little normal). I don't even know how to have a conversation anymore. He was happy sitting watching tv. then said he only had one bowl of pasta left. I offered to make fajitas - he says he doesn't like them but to make themanyway they would be good to have around. And that I didn't buy the right hamburger meat...Why didn't I buy the right amount of hamburger meat? He wanted me to stop to ask a butcher to get us .6LBS...(for 2 burgers), well there was a pack for .8 so I bought that. Not good enough. I had to explain that I was crying and I didn't want to talk to the butcher.

Again. we are back into why can't i cater to him be sweet to him etc etc.

He just walked upstairs (probably to be sweet)....but he caught me on the computer and I admitted that I was talking to an anonymous group of women with alcoholic husbands. adnhe is MAD and probaby feel betrayed. and that he wasnts me to stop. I told him I can't that I need someone to talk to and that I love him, but I have been thinking about leaving for months. I have now hit the hornets nest. we are very private people. and I have never "disobeyed" him before.

Thank you for your prayers.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Based on all that you have posted today, and, please keep posting no matter what, I am feeling very uneasy for your safety...I am not sure you are safe sleeping in your home.

sadsusie · Senior Member

My Dear Paula,

Thank you so much for all of your concern, it means alot to me. I was not sure what to expect either. But it was all pretty ok. I went downstairs alittle later and things were kinda normal. he was even loving. That being said he pretty much forbade me to be on here talking to anyone. I pretty much told him that am going through ALOT and i HAVE to talk to someone - If I were to not talk you you all, I would have to talk to someone, that person being a counselor. He "agreed" ..like that is really going to happen. I am pretty sure I said something to the effect of - then find me a place to live.

I am not saying I am strong enough to fight this(sometimes I have my doubts)...but I am at a point in my life that I feel better when he is not at home, better when I am not at home and we have no contact. There are very few "good" times. I have checked myself into a hotel more than once (although thankfully not due to fear, only frustration). I am fully capable and prepared to do it again. Luckily, we do live an a vacation town where there are quite a few "furnished" places if I ever decided to move out. I am a strong person....a determined person if I put my mind to it.

I feel like I need to start sticking up for myself. And I am not sure if I can emotionally survive If I continue to live like this . If I have to move out and get a new life to feel like I have control of my own - so be it. I am wondering if he will start to realize that maybe he can not longer treat me in such a way. maybe he has only done it because I have "allowed" him to. Baby steps?

He convinced me to go pick up some friends of his since their car broke down and they have done a favor or two for him in the past...And I was making chit chat with the wife - (pardon me, they are she is low low class/dirty dirty) and he looked at me and told me not to speak to her. and I stood up form myself and said - NO, you cannot ask me to do this favor (I had to drive cause he was drunk) for you for them and then expect me turn my back when she speaks to me. (weird..I don't want to be rude unless I am in a bad situation) I guess he got over it cause he said nothing else.

I feel so much better - and I realize that I put way to much detail into my posts, but it makes me feel like I can have someone give me a reality check. I also think that getting it all "out there" helps too.

It also feels better to hear that there are other women who have felt the way I do and even that they have stayed with their husbands. I hate to say it, but divorce is really not the goal here. Sanity is.

Paula (and everyone) thank you for checking in on me=).

ALso...If I really have to- I can always post from my store's computer away from home=). But I don't believe that lies and fear should be a part of any relationship and I don't particularly want to be the one in fear (that he will find out) or be the one lying - he does enough of that himself - Haha... see I can even laugh about it.

Bless you all. (oh, please don't worry for my safety - I should be fine as long as I keep my cool before/if I run out the door and into a car ; )

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sadsusie,

In my experience you are right about wanting to be able to continue to post from your home computer if you want to. In my experience I just made things worse for myself by trying to hide things away. It just added to my misplaced guilt I think.

It is great to hear that you have good accommodation options nearby and really great to hear you describe yourself using the 'no' word. Isn't it interesting how quickly our husbands seem to get over it? I think that the idea of protecting our boundaries is ten time worse than the reality. And it probably helps us both when I practice it.

My counsellor once suggested to me that whatever I do, make it my own choice. Ie if my husband asks a favour, it is my choice whether I do it or not. It is in my nature to just say yes, so this little devise gave me a useful pause. In those pauses I have learnt to make up my own mind about what I wanted/needed!

Have a good day today.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism/addiction often reduces the functioning of a person to a complete baby needing constant attention and praise and focus....YET-they are a completely BOSSY, controlling, and abusive baby most of the time. I feel for you. He sounds very sick and it's going take alanon and some time directed at self care to unravel yourself from his mess and to get yourself well. There is no way that being part of that for so many years could not result in some serious damage to you.

Take care of you at all costs.

sadsusie · Senior Member

Hi everyone,

Thanks again for the words of wisdom, support, and personal experiences. They are appreciated. I am feeling much much better today. Hubby ended up spending the night out...for lack of a ride home, for once. And I am actually a little amused and a little proud of myself. He had called me around 11 to touch base and he had even answered a text from me before that (which he would normally ignore). At that time he actually complained about the drama surrounding the people he was visiting and told me he would get a ride home. I called a bit later to tell him, in a very normal way that it was getting late and I was going to bed. (implying that he could get a ride home or sleep there). He actually went along with it, and even sounded like he didn't want to bother me/ wasn't going to ask even though I think he wanted to. (and I am not being naive - I knew he wanted to come home - for once). I feel so good about that - not being coerced into going to get him..even the fact that he didn't ask pleases me immensely.

Needless to say ..I did go and get him in the morning...and on the way back he asked me normally if I got online with you all again. And I calmly said, yes I did, and that you all really help me. that you all say very positive things, and are helping me learn to deal with things. I made sure he knew you were not fishy so to speak (and that no *men* were involved). And he sort of in his own way seemed okay with it and I think he may have been happy for me that I was getting help. How about that? Big Grin.

So, the downhill spiral has stopped or slowed at least. We actually had a really nice morning..bickered about normal things like i wanted him to help me pick a cellphone case cover, and he was bored with it and didn't want to haha ...trivial things that any man or wife would do. Big grin.
We talked about going out of the country to visit his family (which we have been talking about doing for a while) so I was happy about that. We talked about moving forward. Big Grin. [ side note..don't worry...We spent almost 3 months living with/visiting his family a few years ago His mom and I get along like two peas in a pod (even though there is a language barrier), and his sister and I get along really great..and I have met and spent time with most his cousins whom I enjoy. and his dad loves me - so I will look forward to spending time with his family. ]

I dont have to tell you that he still drank today, but he has been much more pleasant, much more aware of our life *together*. Hopefully this will continue for a while. It is nice to be reminded of the beautiful wonderful man I married, and why I stick around.

You are right I have been damaged, there is no doubt about it. I can't take things as well as I did when I was younger. But It won't kill me, and sometimes it is more apparent than others. I am feeling much more normal today. I only feel damaged when he acts horrible. It is like a trigger. When he his normal or when I am away from him I feel normal. I suppose that is a good sign =).

Today I am going to embrace the normal.

Bless you all and thank you for hearing my story.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for the update sadsussie

Please keep coming back and sharing . If you get a chance pop into the chat room or the on line meetings.

You are not alone

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

"I only feel damaged when he acts horrible. "

I was at this point until very recently. And now I'm working on how to feel normal and undamaged even when he acts horrible!

There is so much great advice here. I'm new here too. Keep coming back! The sagest advice I've ever read is on this board.

sadsusie · Senior Member

Just to say It seems like thing might be turning around.

Hubby stopped taking his xanax to get to sleep....feels like he is taking to much (less than the recommended dosage). He basically stopped talking to his old "friends". He had wanted me to buy him another bottle of liquor this morning....then said not to. He hung out with friends most of the day (which was good), so he wasn't bored and no one did shots haha cause he didn't have much liquor left. I insisted on getting more before I came home from work (so that i wouldn't have to bother with it later)...and he encouraged me not to. He has just enough left. mutual understanding that if I buy more- he will drink more.
We actually had a real life conversation about life today. Part of which included alcohol being his demon. He lead the conversation btw. It does not suprise me, he is a very insightful wonderful man (when he is not acting horrible whenhe is wasted). But I was happy that he is getting more and more serious about turning our life around.

Thank you all!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for checking in Susie.

Please keep doing so and try to check out the On line meetings as it is important to stay connected.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.