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I thought I was over letting my stbxah lure me into an arguement. I know what he's doing and I've been doing so good at not responding to his nonsense but tonight I let him bait me into the crazy ranting and raving that I know he wanted. I have not heard from him for 3 weeks. Despite having serious financial and legal issues we need take care off he has been ignoring my calls and my texts. Actually I'm sure that's why he has been ignoring me. I've been just sick with anxiety trying to deal with all the problems he has created for us and just feeling like the walls are caving in on me. I finally decided that I'm going to not worry anymore because too much of it is out of my hands without his cooperation. I was enjoying the first peaceful and stress free evening I've had in a very long time and he calls me. I wasn't going to let him destroy my peace so I didn't answer but decided I needed to listen to the messages he left just in case he was sober and ready to discuss financial matters. Of course I should have known better. He was drunk and slurring his words. Whining about how I have destroyed everything he worked so hard for. It took me all of about 3 mintues to break down and start sending him long, angry texts about how all our financial problems are totally his fault. And he worked hard? He was unemployed during at least half our marriage. I worked two full time jobs and went to grad school full time while he sat around in the house where I paid the rent, watching the cable I paid for, and eating my food all day while I worked myself nearly to death. The only thing he worked hard at was drinking. I'm ranting and ranting and then he simply texts." I told my brother this is why I have to drink. You are such an angry and crazy b....." And now I realize he did it to me again. I allowed him to get to me and get exactly the reaction he wanted in order to tell himself and everyone else that I'm the problem and the crazy one. When will I learn? I thought I was past the point where he could get me this worked up.
I lived that story too! He would sit at home watching stargate episodes and building a castle of beer cans then whine when they fell over. I freely admit that I turned into one angry crazy B, but I know now that he orchestrated it. Oh he knew what buttons to push, would push different buttons each time, throw in something from too long ago for me to remember clearly and twist it to fit his view of the world. He sat on unemployment almost the duration of our marriage while I worked 4 jobs; he'd complain about the cable "we" paid for and I silently fumed (WE??!) He too blamed me for throwing away a good marriage - good for whom? me who worked myself to exhaustion or him who had a meal ticket who would pay the rent, pay all his bills, work to fix his credit, AND buy the beer - silly me would by the big pack, 33 Stones in an attempt to save money buying in bulk, problem was, he would then drink in bulk! He would call acting nice, then blamo, sock it to me with something, drawing me into his game, then pouncing - imagine his anger when I got a new cell phone and refused to give him the number? He can't call and ruin my day anymore.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I sort of know how you feel. They do that don't they. I think they must make up things in their own mind so they don't have to face the truth. I think they live a bunch of lies. Lies lies lies - so many that they will say whatever they want to make make themselves not look so bad. And to turn the table and make us look bad instead (to shift the focus and distract us from blaming them), even if it isn't true. You are mad, sad, frustrated, you have no power because you NEED him to contribute to get things accomplished, even if it is just a signature on a piece of paper. You are feeling all of these negative things..I understand I feel them too. My AH was gone partying for days emptying our bank account all the while...and I needed HIM to transfer the money so that *I* could pay bills. The stress and burden can be overwhelming, and we (I believe) there is some sense of satisfaction in taking it out on the guy who is to blame for the whole mess. The worst thing is their lack of accountability. Heck, even strangers lack of accountability gets me worked up! let alone someone who I have a history with. - give yourself a break=). At least you recognize what is going on.
The hardest thing I am currently trying to do is just let my STBAX be where he is at and leave him in peace to his crazy insane life .. that is not to say it is as easy as it was to type. Please please please be gentle to yourself .. you had a moment so what, you happen to be human not perfect. That is the blessing of this program .. it is progress not perfection .. I bet you know what to do the next time that happens .. don't react while in an emotional place. I heard around the tables .. send is so not my friend .. it's a saying when I am in the heat of an emotional melt down I remind myself and I actually picture myself laughing when I first heard it. I don't have to react, I can stop figure out what I want to say .. call an alanon friend and/or sponsor and say ok this is what I'm thinking this is what I want to say can I run it by you? Sometimes I leave things as is .. sometimes I go hmmm .. maybe I need to just keep that one to myself. LOL. I am working on THINK (thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind). I get to THIN a lot that K deal is a hard one for me.
It gets better just keep coming back, no one has all of the right answers .. ever .. it's a hunt and peck kind of deal. Being human is a wonderful thing .. that's why being gentle with yourself is soooo important. I'm my own worst critic and I really should be my own best friend.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't blame you at all. I don't even fault your statements because you were merely pointing out facts. What I know is that it's not fun to get worked up and lose your serenity. Yeah...you are not new at his drunken rants and his alcoholic games....BUT - you are new at using alanon tools to deal with him. Please give yourself some credit for even being at the point of recognizing this insane cycle...and credit for how far you are in the process of detaching. So...the only problem I see is that you got angry and let go of your serenity. He is ALWAYS going to paint you as the crazy one. Always. He needs to do that. He is that diseased and sick. Anything and everything will be a rationalization of how it's your fault, everyone else's fault, and he needs to drink to make it all better. I would be willing to be his brother knows the deal and if not, he will soon....not that it matters that much what his brother thinks of you.
To whatever degree you must have future dealings with this insane person that is your SBXAH, you can expect the crazy making. Only a few tools I might suggest. I hope you have a sponsor or get one because "bookending" is a useful technique. This means before dealing with and then right after dealing with the STXAH, you call your sponsor. This is the way to break patterns. Bring someone else in to interrupt your automatic thoughts and responses. Also, pray and meditate before dealings with him so you are acting in accordance with your HP and not letting emotions feul you into reacting rather than responding.
Again - I do believe you are inspirational and further along than you are giving yourself credit for. Be easy on yourself. You are growing, learning, evolving and it doesn't help to beat yourself up for not doing it fast enough or 100 percent of the time.
SAC I am so sorry, but please don't be hard on yourself. Remember, they are soooooo good at what they do. We get caught off-guard sometimes. I know how hard it is. It is just so so so hard. Hang in there and don't be upset because you say you didn't do exactly as you think you should. Sending you hugs.
