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AH had his last outpatient day today. He was drinking most of the weekend, so it is pretty clear that he can't do this on his own. A week ago he said he couldnt wait for IOP to end so he could go to AA everday, but who knows if he will follow through.
I am feeling pretty accepting of the drinking, he's gonna do what he's gonna do...but I am really feeling annoyed that I am paying all these medical bills from the inpatient and outpatient stays since Feb. Even with insurance, it is thousands of dollars. Another $500+ bill arrived today.
And tonight he is passed out on the couch, just like he was 2 months ago before "getting in a program". Argh, it is just so frustrating.
So I need to stop the resentment, and just work my program. Let go and let God. And really focus on myself and my needs. Lots of thoughts in my mind tonight..I need to think about my sanity, and my financial security, my physical health (not to be gross, but my stomach has been off for so long, I dont remember what normal is anymore- Ive lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months), my emotional health, and my spiritual health.
Sorry to ramble, just needing some ESH toonight. Thanks
First off, I commend you for mustering up so much strength and resources for so long. You are doing the work of 2 people and it sounds like you know it. It does take it's toll.
I just wanted to point out something I've picked up in my own recovery. The best recovery and the strongest recovery doesn't come from mustering strength and being focused. It comes from surrendering. Step 1 is all about surrendering. You are describing regular thoughts of "I need to be strong, I need to brace myself for the next tragedy..." If I had to live every day with those thoughts I would wear down and become so drained and hopeless and also resentful at the person seen as causing most of it.
I don't know what your answers are per say. What I do know is that the program helps us draw strength from our HP in times when we need to say "I am so helpless and powerless over this mess." I can't make myself strong. I can surrender to things I am powerless over then my HP can take over and give me strength if needed. I have to fully hand it over to my HP and be open to whatever possibilities arise even if it might mean me doing an about face and going on my own in a totally different direction than the one I was headed in.
The answers don't lie in becoming stronger to deal with more crap. It's more about a radical spiritual and psychic shift so that you avoid crap completely or harness some spiritual reserve to deal with challenges as they come.
Hi Paris, I can't remember if you read Getting Them Sober, but TRD mentions all the diseases and conditions that can result from living with the stress of an alcoholic marriage. I think she really gets into it in a detailed way in Volume 3 or 4. I'm very visual, so seeing things in black and white can help me to snap to reality.
I remember a game we played at a party when we were very young. My husband and a girl were each told to lie down and were covered totally by a blanket. Then they were told to hand out something they could do without. Then another thing . Then another. Some people will lie under there and hand out pretty much everything they are wearing. Husband was a little drunk, but he'd handed out no more than shoes, wallet, belt when he "came to" and sat up and said, "I don't need this blanket!"
I have often wondered when I will get to the point that I come to and realize that "I don't need this blanket." This stress, this misery, this uncertainty.
Prayers for all of us, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Next week my husband will finish his 45 days inpatient. He and I have family week on Sunday and Monday. Then he comes home to start IOP. We haven't lived together for 18 months.
The thought of me staying focused and getting strong has made me SICK this entire 45 days he has been in treatment.
I think I put too much pressure on myself to hold things together.
I believe that Letting Go & Letting HP doesn't only mean with my husband. It also means letting go and letting HP with within me.
Good Luck!
P.S. I try to keep yogurt and soups around the house and at work. I don't feel like eating but need nutrition. Those things are easier to eat than other things.
Amen to what Pink Chip says. It works! For me, it took the brick-wall-head-butts for WAY too long. Surrender allowed me to find a way through the unacceptable situation. (I was very low.)
Thanks everyone. The surrendering is so hard, though I know Ive made so much progress since back in Jan when I first joined this board. Despite my daily waverings, I am truly more peaceful.
Temple, i love the "I dont need this blanket" metaphor. I will admit I had to read it twice before I got it.
I have a face to face meeting tonight, I havent found a sponsor yet, but I am feeling like it is time. Being an adult child, I usually try to control and fix every situation (how's that working out for ya? Lol), so naturally Ive assumed I can do the steps alone. Thanks for the frank and straightforward advice.
Peace
