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.. this wkend, I did a lot of "me" stuff (painting etc) My AH did a lot of yard work, no telling how much he drank but by every night he couldnt talk and would stumble in the house. I just did my thing, and he did his.
Our son came home Sat evening, my mother in law dropped him off 3 hours early with my intoxicated AH (I wasnt happy, but she is part of he problem,and a whole other story) I got a phone call I could barely understand my AH talking and my son got on phone to tell me he was home.. I jumped in my car and flew home to get him. We went and ate with my parents.
In the mean time my AH climbed a ladder and fell off of it ! When I got home he is asking me if we should go to hospital, possibly broke his arm (big knot) and hurt his shoulder. He just kept saying is it broke?? I said Im not a doctor only you know how bad you hurt ..this repeated a long time. I finally said drinking a climbing a ladder wasnt a good idea. He walked out the house and junmped on riding mower (his ice chest was back there too) I knew he wasnt feeling alot of pain in his drunk condition but he could see the knot on his arm too.
I told our son come with me to wash my car dad must be ok he's mowing the grass. He said, no Ill stay here and take care of daddy. I said its not your job to take care of daddy. He made the choice to drink, climb on ladder and choices have consequences. He immediatly started defending his dad .. i said im not saying anything is wrong with daddy. its just how it is. we cant control others etc etc....
I found a counselor I think Im setting up with and setting my son up with ... I want to help him before he develops some of these crazy alcohol family traits !! Do you think 7 is too young?? Im very open about things with my kids, (2 are grown, and have differnet dad than my youngest) but this is second time he has given me advice on how to be around dad... He said a couple weeks ago.. Just say ok and agree mom, even if you didnt do anything. It makes him ok with you.
WTH he's 7 !!!!! he shouldnt be dealing with this ..... he worries about his dad (AH always is the victim, in his own mind) I have no sympothy !! NONE ... if he was able to move an needed attention for his injury he couldve called 9 11 himself... IMO
opinions and suggestions welcome
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I once had someone share in a meeting that her kids thought their dad was the sane one. He would fall asleep (pass out) on the couch and she would be slamming the cupboards and doors and yelling and screaming. I can say that many times I am sure my children thought the same thing too.
Last year I got all three of my children into therapy. One of the best things I ever did. My kids now have a good grasp on the disease. It has helped me know what to say and how to say it.
By all means take care of you and do what you think is best for you and your son.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I know how you feel. I'm that way too, but I don't tell many people that. 40 years ago I used to work in intensive care at our local hospital and I learned about how the nurses feel about the "repeaters" that are there time after time. There is not a lot of sympathy. They just do their jobs without the emotional attachment. Talk about detached!!!
Now you are trying to teach it to your 7 yr. old. I'm not sure you can. It is a concept that takes a more mature mind. I think the counselor idea is great. I don't want your son to think of you as cold-hearted or else he won't count on you for other things. We have an AlATeen Jr. meeting every week for kids ages 6-12. That would be good too. They do a lot of drawing therapy. (Like drawing a picture of dad on the couch.)
Anything that will broaden communication, detachment, and healthy responses to crazy insane situations is a plus. My kids and I have a very open relationship about what is and is not ok. Something I say to my kids all the time, whatever your dad does or doesn't do is just not about you, me, all the trouble in the world, it's his stuff and maybe someday he will learn how to handle it better, maybe not. We are all doing the very best we can. Your dad loves you and shows it the best be can it just sucks bad from time to time. My kids literally just turned 9 and 14 (this week). My oldest gets it far better than I do in terms of, mom .. lol ... you act surprised dad lied again. Let it go its not going to change anything. Out of the mouths of babes I swear. My younger one says, love him where he is at. Sooooo this is what I think at this point in my own healing if it's good for me, it's good for the kids and it's good for him. Kids can get detachment and it's necessary I think more for them than for me. Learning not to take the actions or non-actions personally is huge!!! I wish I had that lesson early on in my own life. I can give that gift to my children. Better to have a healthy toolbox than an unhealthy response. My kids dad .. he is not their responsibility to take care of especially when the alcohol is a direct consequence of whatever befalls him. They should have empathy, compassion, and know how to leave his consequences with him. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Good ESH post and replies Sweetr...Alcoholism is a family disease and the perspectives are seen differently between adults and youngsters. I use to work with the families as a therapist and it never failed to surprise the adults at how fast the kids got it and how fast they changed because they got it. We change slower because we have had more time and experience within it. "Let them know and let them go". Of course I sponsored Alateen for years and that was special beyond belief. I loved every second of it and the teens use to teach me good very often. Your little mans gonna watch your body language...remember to teach with it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for all the post, they are helpful to my mind and soul !! I do think my son see's me as cold to his dad ... hence thats why he feels the need to take care of him and defend him..
Im not sure if my AH will ever hit "bottom" He found his ex dead after she overdosed ... He watched her go thru detox, not stay in rehab, loose her two children AND still overdosed... all the while he drank and took an occasional pain pill (for his back,??) But she made him look like the one without a problem.
I quit drinking my occasional glass of wine, for my personal choice of wasted calories...lol Really, I figured I dont drink enough to catch a buzz, and it may help me relax but so will a hot bath and it has no calories... So I'll spend my bad calories on something I enjoy more.. ice cream etc
Just want you all to know... I am thankful to have your hugs, thoughts and replies to help me through my journey of a better life !
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
