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I separated from my husband of 19 years about 2 months ago. The separation was preceded by years of trying to work on our marriage, lots of marriage counseling, and my being so confused and frustrated by his always forgetting, his seeming checked out on so many levels, his lack of interest in doing anything, his intermittent belligerence or hurtful comments, occasional intoxication and my having to insist that he wasn't safe to drive when he said he was ... a host of behaviors. If you'd asked me even 3 months ago, I would have said that yes, his drinking was an issue AT TIMES, and I wasn't ever comfortable with how he never, ever DID NOT drink in the evenings. But I viewed the problems in our marriage as related to the inexplicable and increasing distance between us has he seemed to become someone else, someone I didn't like very much.
After we separated, I had lunch with a good friend of mine who is a family doctor. She pointed out that the behaviors I was describing were all signs of the progression of high functioning alcoholism. AT first I protested -- the drunken episodes were isolated incidents, I replied, but the bigger issues were his isolation, his lethargy, his seeming tuned out all of the time to me and my daughter... And she was very blunt. Those were all, she pointed out, signs of alcoholism progressing.
Since that conversation, I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. It seems obvious to me now, and the more I think about things that have happened over the last 5 years, the more I recognize that yes, he is an alcoholhic and yes, I have been in total denial about that. I've read messages on here about that crazy-making experience of having the A tell you you're over-reacting, you're over-sensitive, they're fine, etc. That is a big aspect of my marriage dynamic. But while I was aware over a long period that the dynamic didn't feel good, I didn't think I was crazy, I knew what I was seeing and feeling, at the same time I ascribed it to choices he made about how to behave toward me and our daughter. I didn't really see it as related to drinking. And it startled me to think about our time together as a married couple. We'd talk about things (day to day things, our daughter, problems, etc) when he came home from work. That 5pm to 10 pm window was when most of our communication happened. And he was ALWAYS, ALWAYS drinking during those conversations. On weekend days, he'd be working, lying on the couch watching tv (not wanting to do anything else) or sleeping. And by 5 he'd be drinking again.
Only recently did it occur to me that, over the whole life of our marriage, the evenings he DIDn't drink were probably evenings I could count on two hands. And those usually followed an episode where he clearly had been drunk, I'd gotten upset, and he didn't have a drink (for a day or two) to prove to me that it wasn't a problem. What I got used to as "normal" wasn't at all normal, now that I step back and look at it. But he wasn't passing out or falling down drunk or slurring his words (until the last year). He always said that everyone had a glass or two or three of wine every evening and I was being ridiculous to think he had a problem because he just liked that relaxation time in the evening.
I've done a lot of al-anon reading since the conversation with my friend. I've been to three al anon meetings and will go to more. But I find this swirling around and around in my head, and I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about. Part of me feels like I need to NOT think about him so much (or look back to identify past episodes as "alcoholic" behaviors or not) -- I need to remember that i decided to separate based on not wanting to live any more with the behaviors, and WHY they happened isn't that important to my forward progress.
But partly, I think I keep thinking because I'm understanding the gap between what I felt and what I let myself believe or see at the time. I'm understanding more about why I felt so crazy all of the time, and it's reaffirming to me to realize that my instincts were right, even if I did a very good job of ignoring them for so long. I'm shocked, now, to realize how much I let myself ignore my own feelings. It helps me understand my own depression and resentment and anger and confusion. I'm understanding in a new way how my feelings (and not dealing with them) caused ME to withdraw a lot in our marriage, too, which was part of the problem. I stopped trusting him, basically, and held a lot of resentment about that.
At any rate, I find it tremendously helpful to read what others share here. I think I'm at the very beginning of step one, sorting out the "acceptance." Some days I think that means I need to understand how the disease affected what happened in the past. There is something seductive and sort of obsessive about wanting to understand why things happened the way they did during our marriage -- I guess it's trying to get emotional control over situations that confused and frustrated me and seemed so inexplicable and crazy-making at the time. But some days I think I just need to look at now, and accept that I can only change me, and what has happened before doesn't change that.
I find myself fighting the urge to contact our dr (who is also a friend) to tell him my realization about my husband, because I don't think the dr sees it. My H seriously under-reports what he drinks, and I"m concerned that the dr has presribed medications that can't be good with that daily alcohol intake (xanax, etc.) I've done nothing so far, trying to sort out whether i'm tempted to do that out of concern for my H, or to get the dr on "my side" and confirm that "i'm right." I also have thought about talking to my sister in law, whom my H idolizes.... But I realize that my impulse stems from wanting HER to see the drinking issue, thinking maybe SHE can make him change, and maybe I'm motivated to have her understand why I left him, when his report about that is that I"m having some sort of midlife crisis. So I've done nothing, but I think about that a lot -- is that genuine concern for his well being, or self-interest, or both?
Thank you all for sharing and helping me understand this very difficult dynamic.
It is important to sort this out because "wherever you go, there you are". This will all follow you unless you figure out how it has affected you. And it HAS affected you.
As far as talking to his doctor? Hmmmm, I wouldn't talk to my hubby's medical team ever. I know them and they would not take it well. My hubby has the same dentist as I have and if they can't tell he is an alcoholic by his teeth, his breath, his high blood pressure...then I would be very disappointed. The same with his doctor. I went to him once for myself and decided I would not go back. These people are highly trained and SHOULD see all this stuff for themselves. If they don't....well, I don't think they would listen to another person with all the HIPPA laws that are in place. But you know them and know how they would accept this information.
You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself. Keep up the reading and the AlAnon meetings. That will help you immensely with the awareness and acceptance. Then you will know what to do.
Aloha norasq and welcome to the board. I appreciated your post because it is/was soooo me...an "analytical" trying to figurer out what he didn't know and didn't know that he didn't know. When I found out the problem was alcoholism and that alcoholism was a disease I was relieved for a short time...then I found out that it was so very cunning, powerful and baffling and I was sooo depressed because I had to admit I couldn't beat it and the reason why I was in face to face Al-Anon meetings was because it had always beaten me. And then I remembered clearly after recognizing that word at the send of the 2nd step; Sanity, that I had found the Al-Anon hotline number after calling help in emotional troubles and the suicide prevention hotline in our town.
I had to find a way to stop thinking because it wasn't really thinking at all but just my brain and thoughts running around out of control, yelling, screaming and trying to be self righteous. I was certifiably insane and needed to stop thinking. What helped me most at that time was the simple statement at the end of our meetings that suggested, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". So I practiced opening my mind and letting go of all thoughts and forms of thoughts there...letting them free and only allowing thoughts and ideas from the fellowship in the meetings I went to. It worked...I started using other peoples thoughts, feelings and experiences until I could have new ones myself.
Hope that is supportive...Keep coming back here also...your miracle is in progress. ((((hugs))))
Welcome. I am sorry that your life has been affected by alcoholism.
I also try to analyse and figure out too much with thoughts spinning around and around like a stuck needle. I have managed my clearest thinking through meditation - ie when I don't think, just listen to my breathing and stop for five minutes. I've been amazed by the clarity and simplicity of some of the thoughts that have surfaced as a result.
It is a learning curve - but then learning could be one of the best things in life if you think about it! I find that it helps to not think about these things too much though. I've missed out on some nice moments in life because I have let my own addiction to the crazy making of an alcoholic life take up too much of my attention. Like you, I was shocked by how much my behaviour and thinking had shifted. I've felt uncomfortable at times as I try to figure out what I was doing but the bottom line is that I was trying my best under the circumstances and now I have more knowledge I think that I am doing a bit better.
I think that it is only natural to want someone else to 'see' our husband's behaviour, it is a form of affirmation for our own version of reality I imagine. But as I've learnt to have more confidence in my own thinking and opinions I have found that I don't really need to do this so much and it makes life so much simpler and calmer to not have to justify myself to AH or to myself as much as I used to.
I love it when I wake up in the morning thinking about simple day to day things rather than the rocket science of how to fix the unknown universe of my husband's mind!
Thank you to all of you. You've all made points that it has helped to hear. I am an analytical type person, so I can see how my trying to "think it all through" (as if I'm going to "solve" it, hah!) is a way of trying to get something baffling under control. When my AH and I first separated, I'd think to myself "It's not my problem anymore." And as I'd think that, I'd feel relief, like I was putting a boundary around something I wanted to keep out of my life, but there was also anger and resentment in that thought, too. Sort of a "GO AWAY, I don't want anything to do with all of this any more."
Al-anon is making me think about what the concept of a Higher Power means to me. And while I'm not always sure what that means to me in terms of God at this point, I do know that now I can try to stop that circular thinking with saying to myself "I'll leave that to my HP," and I feel a sense of relief and peace. It's not angry or rejecting of my AH, but it's giving myself permission to put all those issues down and trust that what will happen is what will happen. Someone in a recent al-anon meeting said that while they didn't have a belief in God, the HP aspect of al-anon served to remind her that the HP just was not HER.
