The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This wknd there was a big AA conference in my city, which my partner attended. He took me to hear an al-anon speaker yesterday morning, who was amazing. The person chairing that meeting was an al-anon member who is also the al-anon chair for the conference. My partner is on the conference planning committee so knows this girl, and suggested I go to her mtg (tonight). It's one I haven't been to before.
He has been encouraging me to go up to her after the mtg and introduce myself. I've only been to three meetings so far (over the past month or so) and have not really liked the one I was attending. It's turned me off al-anon a bit but he's encouraging me to give it another go with a different mtg, which I'm willing to do.
Okay, so after all that rambling... he wants me to introduce myself to this girl because he keeps telling me that the fellowship is the most important thing. The problem is, I'm *really* shy, so that is something that is NOT easy for me to do. If someone approaches me, I don't have as much problem talking to them, but I have a very hard time approaching anyone myself. If I attend a mtg (for al-anon or other), I generally get out of there as fast as I can afterwards so I don't have to talk to people!!
I guess I'm wondering... in an al-anon situation, what's the best way to get past this and take part in the fellowship? The one time at al-anon (out of three meetings) that I stayed to talk to someone (who approached me), she was very rude and said some things that were very judgemental and I left in tears. Definitely not a good first impression on me!
ANY suggestions, advice, personal stories, etc, would be so appreciated! The meeting is tonight and I'm coming up with every reason in the book not to go. I know it would mean a lot to my partner if I do go, though, and especially if I talk to her.
I am so sorry that you experienced negative feedback at your first meeting I too would be reluctant to return had I experienced that. I would like to say that we who share our lives with an alcoholic do need a program of support just as they do.
Breaking the isolation by attending face to face meetings are a powerful first step. I attended meetings for over a year. Introduced myself at the beginning go around, listened, did not share and left immediately. I always felt better after a meeting that is why I kept coming back It took over a year for me to share and connect. There are no rules - Go, try to feel comfortable, if you feel a connection to this lady, then after the meeting you can simply introduce yourself and thank her for chairing. I urge you to try once again.
I am a very introverted and shy person. I am also very private and only like to talk with people I trust. When I've gone to these meetings it is very much outside of my comfort zone. On top of that its very personal. I think its hard for people in general but for people who are introverted and shy its extremely difficult and for me very painful to do the face to face meetings. Its hard for me to get anything out of it because I can't relax enough in that environment. You're not alone in feeling the way you do.
Hi and welcome. I am also very introverted at meetings and with new people in general. For me, the first few meetings I just listened. I also tried a few different meetings unti I found one where I felt comfortable. After going for a few weeks, I felt comfortable sharing. Do what feels right for you. Also, this board is great for the shy folks like us. Sending you lots of support.
we're not really supposed to give advice....but I'd ask you to reframe your shyness...
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being shy...hear this, please. There is NOTHING wrong with you! we are all wired differently, and it's good to be cautious, take stock of the scene, before you jump in...
It's okay to say to folks "this is my first meeting here, and I'm feeling nervous, because I tend to be shy.." They will accept that, and hopefully be much more welcoming and encouraging than your previous experience. I would think that the "fellowship" would be a safe place to experiment with stretching your wings socially a bit. It is absolutely okay to be who you are.
I have been going to al anon for many years and I occasionally still find myself nervous about staying after meetings to talk with people. I am hard wired to be a bit of a hermit...knowing that, I do force myself, at times, to strike up a conversation with someone. If I am trying to hide out, I know it is time for me to reach out. If I just feel like being quiet, I honor that and I leave the meeting quietly. An extroverted person would not get that fellowship is uncomfortable sometimes for a more introverted person. You do what feels right for YOU in YOUR timeframe. In support.......
I NEVER was shy before I became involved with an alcoholic. I never met a stranger...... BUT when I started AlAnon I realized that I was really, really nervous. It took a while to sort out in my head why I felt that way. It was over years and years with someone who always stated things negatively, who never could say a compliment, who always had a black cloud over his head.... I was taking it on myself and didn't want to let any strangers into my life. I forced myself to talk at meetings because I was told I should and I would never get it off my back unless I could open up. I didn't open up freely and truthfully at first (not that I lied, I just didn't tell it all). It meant talking to a trusted friend (you could say a sponsor) that helped me be able to open up. I got over my fear of being judged.
Be gentle with yourself. Let AlAnon wash over you and gradually, gently change you. Take care of yourself.
What did it for me, a person who came from a small island in the pacific and was in a Central California area with a population larger than the island I lived on was understanding that if I didn't overcome my shyness and reluctance the disease would finally finish me off. Against everything I had ever done before I learned how to reach out my hand and ask, "Could you please help me"? I was never left unsupported after that. The greatest gift in the world I found out for me is the gift of being loving and desiring to be loved in return. In order to give it I had to touch someone and in order to receive it I had to do the same. Be shy...sit down and smile. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
For the first however many years in a meeting, I would sit and soak in the peace and feel the comfort and safety of the group But the second the meeting was over, I was Out the door ! .. the difference ? grace of God .. I felt the grace during shares through the open and honesty of others .. I gradually built courage as I kept going back .. If I felt anxious about the after, I would duck out a few minutes early .. I needed to go at my pace .. Even now I can on occasion still feel the discomfort but it's not usually to the same degree as I did back then .. I am socially awkward sometimes but more so, I was so in my fear that the joy of others scared me .. Today I'm happy to say, I am beginning to come into my own Joy .. it's a good feeling .. I second the be gentle on yourself .. there are reasons we are where we are .. helped me to tell myself nothing happens by mistake .. trust the process .. whatever I'm feeling will be used by hp to deepen my own personal recovery .. alot of removing in me yet to do .. removing as in not necessarily taking it all away as in black and white but removing distorted beliefs in me that dominate my thinking .. It'll come .. face to face meetings are beautiful .. God works in the present .. I am always in the present in a meeting Even when I'm in my past .. Much serenity to you !!
ALso want to add in the middle of a share one time in a meeting, a member started sharing on how I ought to have more compassion on the a's .. i was keeping the focus on me but used an example .. healthy ? absolutely not .. we are still an alanon Family and it's a Family disease .. rare to have happen but it's been known to .. yet grace of God I was able to allow the other member the freedom of expressing .. when he was finished I said, thanks for sharing .. and I back up my story from where I left on as if the member had never spoke .. through this experience, i felt the growth grow in me as I was able to detach with love by allowing him the cut in which is normally of course not allowed ever .. it did, however, deepen my own recovery and for the first time I held on to my dignity and serenity rather than give it away; i also held my focus .. point is .. there was a gift hiding behind the act .. recovery is such a process not an event .. were powerless over alcohol we're powerless over recovery .. it comes when it comes and all we need to do is show up, stay open, and remain willing .. !! Peace =)
