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My exA has been relatively quiet. This week he called, and started in on me...the first time he called, I was able to use my alanon tools...I posted about it...
He has been very ill, so ill that my 10yo asked me "is Dad gonna die?" He has no health insurance (my fault for divorcing him, you see), and has been in the ER for pneumonia...and a week ago he was in the ER because of bladder/prostate issues. He thinks he has cancer, and he even said to me "I don't know how much longer I have."
So he has been almost manicky this week. I think it's because he thinks he is going to die, he wants to be a force in his kids' lives all of a sudden. This week he called me every day...and one day, thursday, I was sick with a cold, exhausted, and I slipped.
He is telling me that I need to get my head out of my "a**" and stop focussing on my job because I'm not a good parent. He is telling me I need to do this, and I need to do that, and that my 10 yo needs to do baseball. I told him that my son is on the fence about playing, and it is a real burden on me to get him to practices 3-4 times a week, and games on weekends. He says "He has to play. I will sign him up, and I will take him there, no matter what, I will make it happen" He has followed through on exactly NOTHING in months.
That did it, it put me over the edge. I said "do NOT sign him up for baseball, because you will be committing ME to taking him." I told him I could not rely on him to get my son to practices etc. I did not mention drinking and driving (which is why I don't want him driving with the kids that many times a week)...but instead I said "what if you don't have the gas money?" or "What if you are sick?"
He totally LOST IT. started screaming and yelling and verbally abusing me...frankly, it scared me, alot. I didn't sleep that night because I was worried he was going to show up here. Totally flipped his lid.
The next morning, I texted him and told him that from now on, he needed to communicate with me via text or email. The next day, of course, just like old times, he acts as if nothing occurred, and started calling again.
Even after all this time, he is able to make me question my abilities as a person and as a parent. He still has me questioning my perceptions. I am still afraid. And honestly, I really want it to stop.
Wow. You would think the fear of dying would make him want to set things right and make amends for his past behavior. They are selfish jerks til the end.
Sending you strength....sounds to me like you are being a good person and a parent. You are being influenced by your exA who has trouble being a good person and parent and projects it to you. Don't accept his bag of garbage. Good joo joo for you
RP - What I know is that you are doing the best with the hand you were dealt. Would it be ideal if you had unlimited funds so you could stay home and do little art projects and be a den mother and whatever other crap? Maybe, but you can't do that and your kids are learning a more valuable lesson from you which is to take care of themselves no matter what and to persevere rather than just give up like their dad.
I suspect the reason you might be able to allow him to crack that door on your parenting is cuz you know it would be more ideal to do all those things that a stay at home mom could do but it's just not possible and, in the long run, it's far better that your kids have a strong working mom.
As you know, with an alcoholic it's all about the blame game. It doesn't sound like it has much of anything to do with your parenting but again, has everything to do with him and his alcoholism. I'm betting if you had a smidgen of child support you wouldn't be busting your hump and freaking out when pipes freeze and so on and so forth.
It sounds maddening to deal with someone so deluded and self centered.
"Even after all this time, he is able to make me question my abilities as a person and as a parent. He still has me questioning my perceptions. I am still afraid. And honestly, I really want it to stop."
This is just my personal experience so please take what you like and leave the rest.
I found that when I chose recovery and my ex didn't, he became more ridiculing and controlling. I was changing and becoming more confident and much less needy. My growth became a threat to how he'd used and manipulated me in the past. He continued to try to push my buttons - the buttons that were there long before I'd even met him - the ones that influenced me to choose him as a mate. Two of them for me were dependency (lack of trust in myself) which resulted from being underminded and shamed about choices I made as I tried to grow from a child to an adult. Alanon, my "family of choice" has given me the chance to risk making mistakes and grow while surrounded by others who offer unconditional love, acceptance and their experience, strength and hope. I feel so lucky to have this program.
When I see a repeating pattern in myself, I try to do a 4th step just on that particular issue. Sometimes we're so deep in it and have been living with it for so long that we have trouble identifying what the real issue is. At those times, I ask my sponsor to help me work it or another trusted program person and I've asked for suggestions of Alanon tools that might use to bring about a positive change. I also invite my hp into that step work.
No other imperfect human being has a right to define us. That's our hp's job.
Thanks for sharing. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hugs rp, it's interesting the title of your post because I had wondered that myself the last post you shared. I struggle with time and money and I am at home for the moment. It's all on me. Figuring out schedules. Trying to make sure the kids have balanced time. There is no direct support on the other end. And like you said the follow through completely lacking, especially when it comes to other people. Where his responsibilities end and begin is crazy making for me. I could go on with example after example. You are sooooo not alone. I do a lot better when I set my boundaries stick to them. You know you are doing the best you can with what you have, is it ideal? No. It's sooooo much better than where I was at a year ago. You are doing great! I don't know why it is sooooo important to hear from someone who is ill we are doing such a great job with the mess they left and ignore is even happening. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you. It IS a pattern...it's just so weird that just when I think I am fairly healthy emotionally...bam! Surprise! Old feelings and patterns, that I thought were behind me, raise their head.
At least now I can reach out to you folks, and realize that he is just projecting all over the place. I am hoping that I can get that insight as it is happening...but the time between the incident and the insight is getting shorter...and most times I can do the "sick sick sick" mantra...and just say mm-hhm, and yup on the phone and get through it.
Yes, my kids' situation isn't ideal...I can't do the PTA and bake cookies and play mom's taxi..but I love them, and I am keeping them fed and clothed. It's a stable environment...so THAT is what I can focus on. Next time he calls I will just plug my ears and go "LALALALA" in my mind.
Bless your heart. I am feeling ornery today, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. The first thing I thought was, I love the way we don't check our mental and emotional health with a spiritual or psychologically trained person. No, we let an addict take our inventory. Second was, and you were listening to him after the first statement because? (And that is for me--I needed to hear it more than you do, probably) And thirdly, I don't think he is worrying about being dead--I think he is worried about not being in control of the one person he's been able to perhaps make jump through hoops in the past. If there is anything useful in there, please to avail yourself. And discard/discount/disregard/ignore the rest. Is there some way he could have to communicate with you through a lawyer? Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Yes Temple...you are right. He cannot control me anymore...and as TT said...as I get more solid, he seems to get crazier. I guess I'm surprised that even after all this time..he can still get to me...shows you how deeply my part in this runs...I have been programmed well...but as the sick guy on the caison in monty python's holy grail says, "but I'm not dead yet!" I can live and learn, with a little help from my friends.
"Even after all this time, he is able to make me question my abilities as a person and as a parent. He still has me questioning my perceptions. I am still afraid. And honestly, I really want it to stop."
I like this too in reference also to my own experience only .. Even after all the time, I Still feel the Effects of another's alcoholism .. taking out the drinking in the drinking disease/replacing with the thinking in the thinking disease .. Even after all this time, I can still feel the disease whether another's or my own .. The disease will always dominate my thinking regardless of who is sicker on any given day .. I will be in Alanon for life and Even after Many years, I know I will still have days where I feel the disease more than others .. what surpises me the Most is how whenever I feel the effects, I am still surprised Even after all this time .. There is no cure, only treatment .. I remember after my x partner of 12 years was gone nearly a year .. One day he stood in my kitchen being the jerk (nonjudgingly) he's ALways been and I sat thinking to myself, "Wow, he's gotten so much meaner ! .. until it hit me .. this is who He's Always been .. Even when he was with me .. he didn't suddenly change into someone new .. I was changing and therefore I saw it clearer .. the lines we can't change it cure it control it .. really hit me that day .. so many years of my own expectations, waiting, illusions, telling myself who he was or worse who he wasn't because that was what I needed to do to survive it all .. so hard . Even after all this time of his being gone, I Still miss him, I still obssess on him on occasion, and I'm Still surprised .. I obssess on the disease whenever I'm in its presence in me or another because that's what the disease is .. that's what it does . that's the symptom and its effects on Me .. good for me to look at it again without staring this morning .. I'm still surprised by me so much when Again it's merely the presence of my own disease .. hate it hate it somedays but so grateful to see it ..
been through the blame, shame, scare game .. I'm learning in Alanon as I've heard all my life .. God is the Word .. it's the words of this program and the others in it .. the wisdom He shares with me that's healing me .. (with respect to All others perceptions of personal higher power) I believe the A sometimes as though suddenly He's the word the truth the way the life .. finding in ALanon there's only one way .. HPs way .. course he needs to remind me sometimes as well as reshow me .. i'm so human .. grr .. tehh.. good for me to reread this too because I recognise the absolute Insanity of the A trying to tell You how to manage Your life and the kids .. It's as Crazy as it was when I was trying to tell him how to do the same ..
Thanks for sharing for my sake too .. I love this group And I miss my Steady Internet connection which I hope to get back Much sooner than later !! Wishing you Much serenity !!
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 2nd of April 2013 12:36:23 PM
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 2nd of April 2013 12:39:22 PM
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 2nd of April 2013 12:40:05 PM
