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I've been in Al-Anon for almost 6 months now - and it's been an absolute roller coaster. For the first time in my life I now have the ability to sit back and see this family disease cause chaos in my family of origin - and in my own life.
Today I had a huge argument with my partner. I've been ummm-ing and ahhh-ing over whether or not he is an alcoholic - but alcoholic or not, he has all the behaviours of one, and behaviours from his family of origin confirms my suspicions.
He had a huge night of binge drinking on Thursday after a stressful day at work. A whole variety of things happened, plus with his parents overseas he has also been left to deal with his drug addicted older sister who is in and out of hospital and very sick.
He invited me down to drink with him on Thursday, and I declined. Since coming into Al-Anon I've pretty much stopped drinking alcohol, and I certainly don't want to drink to get drunk. A few glasses of wine with some girlfriends once a month is okay.. but I knew he was drinking to avoid the stresses of life, and it's my choice as to whether or not I'm a part of that. I choose not to be. I don't want to be an enabler - and I don't want to drink to get wasted. I've got tools to deal with my emotions now, and drinking sure as hell isn't one of them.
I know I could go into the story of what happened.. but basically we've spent the last 4 days in some kind of argument. I know I've been frustrated because he promised to be home at a certain time on Thursday and he wasn't. And I also asked him to stay away from me when he was drinking and he still crawled into the bed next to me slurring and gross. I can also see how i setup that situation in a way, and forced him to come into our room to get a blanket because I hadn't setup the guest room.
All that aside, I feel like I'm in denial about how shitty our relationship really is. A few minutes ago I read the pamphlet "The Merry Go Round of Denial", and I thought, that is me. I am the provoker - I get blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life. He keeps telling me that if only I would do "X, Y, or Z" THEN he would be happy. I now tell him that's *****t and the only way he'll ever be happy is to take responsibility for his own life. Of course that doesn't go down too well.
Yesterday I told him that I would never ever go out binge drinking with him. Ever. I will never consciously take part in any exercise that numbs how I feel so I can survive my life. His response.. "Well maybe we're just too different and this will never work"
ISN'T THAT A BIG RED FLAG?! It's a red flag right? I'm not delusional? He considers ending the relationship because I'll never go out binge drinking with him. Surely that's a big red flag for alcoholism? Has anyone had a similar experience?
As soon as he said that, I started to freak out and began to back pedal and said "oh well, I can go out for dinner and have a few drinks with you but I'm not going to binge drink.."
Ack, the more I write.. the sicker I sound..
But as soon as I feel like the walls of denial are coming down, they almost automatically go back up again. "Oh it's not that bad," I tell myself. "I'm just overreacting.." - but then on the other side, I think "Hold on a second - you're a beautiful, 28 year old woman in recovery.. I'm the CEO of a successful organisation.. I'm in good shape, I'm fun to be around.. why am I wasting my time with this guy who is bordering on the edge of alcoholism.. why am I so afraid to leave him.. why can't I just be ready to leave now.. I want to leave so what the hell is stopping me?"
I KNOW there is denial there. I want the denial to go away. How is it possible that I can know I'm in denial, but that doesn't make it go away any faster. It's driving me crazy.
I'm so frustrated. I feel like I'm starting to get small insights into how sick my relationship is, but they're not coming fast enough. I want my Higher Power to make it happen SOONER. I want this relationship to end NOW, not in my Higher Power's time.
I've been on and off with my partner for 6 years though, and this is my first time in recovery. I don't want to force the breakup and then just end up doing this same dance with him a few years down the track. When this ends, I want it to be the END. No more going back - I'll have enough self-esteem and confidence in myself to trust that I don't need him, and I can make it on my own.
The argument this weekend has pushed me another step closer to ending it. I'm losing energy to keep up this battle. It just all seems so pointless. I feel as though I'm in a relationship with a 2 year old who refuses to take responsibility for any area of his life. And then the 2 year old constantly gets angry at me because I'm not being a good enough mother.
According to him, I control all his behaviour, I make him feel the way he does, I'm not compassionate and caring enough, I don't support him enough and he keeps saying it's b***** when I tell him I'm powerless over everything except for myself. I make him eat vegetarian food, I make him feel bad about his drinking, I make his weekend bad because I'm angry, every area of his life is awesome except our relationship.
Such a crock of ****. He's overweight, 'xxxx' miserable, hates his company, eating himself to death - drinking, smoking and trying to laugh it all away. I'm sick of being blamed for his *******.
I've got so many of my own issues in recovery to focus on, especially around my family of origin. Sometimes I wonder if I'm keeping this relationship going so i can stay in crisis mode and never have to go deep into my alcoholic past.
Who knows.
I just wish my higher power would hurry the ^^^^^l up. ARGH. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 1st of April 2013 07:01:40 AM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 1st of April 2013 06:05:09 PM
I'm so sorry this is happening. You are free to end the relationship at any time. I have a feeling you're wanting it to end without it hurting so much -- ? The hurting is what warns us not to get ourselves in the same situation again. It is all the pain that we've stifled over the course of the relationship so that we were numb and exhausted and couldn't see our way out. When we finally feel it, it hurts like heck. But avoiding the pain is slavery -- that's what they're doing, drinking so they can avoid feeling the pain. When we're able to sit with the pain and take care of ourselves, we can make any choice we want to. We are free to take care of ourselves.
Whether or not your partner is an 'Alcoholic,' he certainly drinks to excess, and that's clearly causing a problem for you, and that's problem drinking. And whether or not he's an 'Alcoholic,' he's dismissive of your concerns, and that's a problem relationship.
I was certainly in a similar situation for far too long (though I knew he was an alcoholic). It was fear that held me back. I had all kinds of reasons about 'I'm just waiting to see if I can act more healthily' and 'I just don't want to lose trust in him' and it all sounded good (to me -- I don't know that it fooled my friends). But really it was just that I was afraid I'd regret leaving and that life 'alone' would be scary and lonely and miserable. I did feel the pain, but it went a lot more quickly than I had anticipated. And I wasn't scared or lonely or miserable. It turns out the fear was much worse than the reality.
I'm just going to ditto what was already said. Well, my own thought on this is... your alcoholic want a drinking buddy. And no, it does not need to be YOU.
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I,too, will ditto what was already said and want to reiterate that you are free to leave anytime you wish and you are free to return if you wish. I know people who went to meetings every day when they were in crisis, that, too is an option. Take good care of YOU.
It also sort of sounds like you are waiting for something big to happen so you can have like a "slam dunk" to be able to end the relationship over "for good." Why wait for him to get worse for you to get better? By the time you might "confirm" his alcoholism by DUIs, Health Problems, etc...you will have been through even more hell. Maybe ask, beside the drinking, do your values match this person and are you really compatible. He sounds like he was only ever like a familiar blanket that you might keep digging out to keep you comfortable but he doesn't sound like the one you want to really commit to.
I know it's not funny but I did laugh when I read that he said the relationship wasn't going to work because you won't binge drink with him. My stbxah had a similiar excuse for having an affair. He said he started the affair with this woman because I won't drink with him anymore and she always drinks with him. I thought that was the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Of course I won't drink with him. When he drinks he is verbally and physically abusive towards me. Why in the world would I encourage him to do something that always leads to me being abused? And why would a person who cared about you encourage you to do something that is very harmful and could kill you? I wouldn't share a cake with a diabetic friend. I'm definitely not going to drink with an alcoholic. After starting the affair he went from drinking 2 or 3 days a week and researching treatment options to being falling down,stumbling, and slurring drunk 7 days a week and deciding he no longer thinks he has a drinking problem. He looks like death and has lost everything. Yet he insists she really loved him and I destroyed his life. It's amazing how twisted their thinking gets.
Thanks for the responses everyone. I've been in Al-Anon for 6 months now, and have been trying to follow the suggestion that we don't make any massive life changes for at least 6 months. That boundary is now over, and you're right Mattie, I am free to end the relationship.
I woke up this morning seeing no other way out. We go to couple's counselling once every two weeks, but I feel as though I'm the only one who is actually implementing any of the suggestions our therapist gives us. I try to communicate in a specific way, and often end up ridiculed or judged. I'm trying as hard as I can to change my behaviour and have our relationship go down a new path, but there is very little of this from his side. I'm at Al-Anon meetings 4 times a week, plus working with a personal psychologist, plus speaking with a life coach once every 3 weeks, plus seeing a couples therapist, so I can be on a path to recovery and work on myself. I'm started to build up a strong support network now which is great.
I gave him an ultimatum this morning - and for the first time ever, I know that I'll stick to it. I'm sick of allowing myself to be manipulated, controlled and cajoled into staying in this relationship. He either meets me half way, or he doesn't meet me at all. I'm done playing games. It seems as though my Higher Power has given me the strength that I was looking for. I said that we can start with counselling once a week, every week - and we BOTH work hard to shift our relationship dynamic, rather than having me do all the leg work and him ridicule me for trying. If I get even the slightest hint that it isn't being taken seriously - I'm done. Absolutely done. I've had enough of putting up with his bullshit.
He is still trying to play games, mess around and manipulate me into staying in this relationship, but I won't do it anymore. To be honest, I really don't have much hope. Last night I started looking for a new place to live and organised a meeting with my accountants to get my finances in order. Making sure I've got a good safety net for when it officially ends. I'm done being held responsible for his life and how much is sucks. It's not my problem anymore.
I'm glad you posted this. I really, really relate to your trying to decide whether your partner is an alcoholic or not. That feels like an important thing to figure out, doesn't it? Believe me, I've spent hours and hours agonizing about it about my husband, talking with friends, reading stuff online, looking for a clear answer that would tell me Yes he is or No he is not.
But I realized that if I stop worrying about the word "alcoholic," and looked at the behaviors, I could understand my own situation better. I could easily say that he had (what I could call) an "unhealthy" relationship with alcohol. He uses it in a way that made ME uncomfortable. And then I thought about the behaviors -- and it has helped me to not worry about whether they are alcohol-driven or not. Belligerence. Unreliability. Disconnectedness. Saying mean things. Being emotionally unavailable. Etc. I got to a point where it was clear that I didn't want to live with those behaviors any more.
I am coming to understand that my having a difficult time assigning the word "alcoholic" to him is related to my own denial around the issue. I wanted to (and still want to) believe that it's something he can control, or stop, or that his alcoholic behaviors are things that he can choose to do or not. I'm not sure what's worse, really - that he "chooses" to behave so hurtfully, or that he's in the throes of a substance addiction and those behaviors aren't something he can control.
Al-anon is helping me see that I don't need to worry about that, or solve that, or understand it. All I need to do is decide how I want MY life to be. And I don't want to live with those behaviors.
I have been separated for 2 months now. If things change, then I'll assess how I feel about it THEN. But right now, the behaviors are still there. Believe me, I can spin myself around in circles looking for evidence that he is drinking more than he is admitting to, etc -- but it's helping me to just go back to the behaviors. Do I want to live with those? No, I don't.
My H and I did a lot of marital counseling, and it was always really frustrating and confusing and painful to me that it didn't seem to get us anywhere, except make me feel more hopeless. I couldn't figure out why he'd sound so great in front of the counselor and then be so disconnected at home, as if ideas or strategies we'd talked about in counseling had no relevance to "real life" at home. I realized after we separated that because denial of his drinking issues (and denial of the emotional stuff that was underneath the drinking) the marriage counseling wasn't even addressing the real problems. But for myself, I needed to know that I had tried everything I could to improve things. And counseling was part of that, for me.
You will get more clarity over time. I'm glad you posted here.
Thank you norasq. It's so good to hear your words. I don't need to give him a label, he has a lot of 'isms' as do I.. it doesn't need to be labelled as one specific thing.
I've made the decision that I'm going to end the relationship. After discussions we've had over the last day, I can see there is absolutely no point in hoping or wishing that things will change. There is no way that this situation is going to be any different. I can continue working on myself, and focusing on my own recovery, and I don't need to be around someone whose going to make my life harder whilst doing it.
I've made the decision - but to be honest it absolutely TERRIFIES me. I've been in a some kind of a relationship since I was 14 years old.. I'd simply jump from one person to the next so I never really had to grieve or let go. I'm now 28, and if I'm perfectly honest, I actually don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to live by myself.. or do any of these things. And it terrifies me. I have a huge fear of abandonment, and when I actually think about leaving the relationship and how it's going to go, I get this feeling in my stomach like I'm literally going to die. That's how terrifying it is. I feel like I will die if I leave this horrible, miserable relationship. I can't see how my life will look and it terrifies me. I imagine all these nights in an apartment by myself, alone, upset.. and it is so terrifying.
My partner and I have been on and off for six years now, and when I leave this time, I want it to be final. A line in the sand, I don't want to keep repeating these same destructive patterns. But I think that if I leave now, I'm just going to keep coming back.
This morning, when I realised I'd made the decision to leave, I still crawled into his bed in the guest room and slept with him. All the time thinking how sick it was. How sick am I. I want to leave this relationship so I why am I sleeping with him. But it literally feels like a compulsion that I have no control over. I get so scared about leaving that I want him to comfort me.
I feel so mental at the moment, literally like I'm going crazy. I used to be like this years and years ago with him, and I honestly can't believe that at the age of 28 I'm back here again. It is just all so familiar, I'm really at a loss.
I remember going through this a few months ago when I started to break through the denial surrounding my family, and I'm guessing that I'm going through the same thing again. The denial about my relationship is breaking down and I feel like I'm going mad. Especially when I attempt to bring up the issues with my partner, and they are constantly dismissed or not discussed. Like the relationship is deterioating so quickly, and he still won't talk about it?
I want to leave the relationship, but I'm terrified to do it. But I'm still trying to be active in my life. I'm meeting with my accountant tomorrow to figure out my finances, I'm starting to look for new places to live, I'm saving money so I have enough to move.. but the idea of it just completely terrifies me and although I want to do it, I also don't want to do it. Does that make sense? Feeling completely bonkers.
I admire your self awareness. I think that a lot of us are scared of the idea of being alone despite the fact that the reality is not that bad. I am sure you know that if you decide to end a harmful relationship it does not mean that you are facing a lifetime of aloneness. You just need to believe it
Once you know what your fears are, ie abandonment, I think it is so much easier to ask yourself how you feel about it. It is so much easier to look at ones own options and make ones own choices. Leaving a harmful relationship does not mean that you will be alone for the rest of your life. As a young, successful CEO I imagine that you are very good at doing evaluating situations in your work life. Is there some of that experience that you can gently apply to yourself?
I say all this as someone nearly twice your age who is also running a business. I have had a successful career and I like my life. But when things started to go wrong in my marriage a few years ago I was a complete novice and had no idea at all. I had never had to deal with personal boundaries etc. I was petrified! So I wasted lots of time trying to think about what was the right solution, scared about making mistakes. The bottom line was that here was a chance for me to learn to trust my own judgement in my own life - what a gift that is turning out to be.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this, but I suspect that you will enjoy the experience of standing on your own two feet. We all make mistakes, but we survive and flourish and learn. I have a picture in my mind of old habits and chains falling away. I suspect you will learn to fly beautifully Ceebee! Have a good day. (((hugs)))).
