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I've become afraid of my mailbox. Not really the mailbox but all the bad news and threatening letters it contains everyday. All the result of my stbxah completely abandoning all his responsibilities and leaving me to deal with the aftermath. Since I can't drink to escape reality like him I find myself only getting the mail once or twice a week because I just can't deal with it all anymore. So I decided to be brave and tackle the terrifying mail today. And what do I find. A mailbox full of bills the stbxah has racked up. Most of them in both our names. There are several notices from the post office saying I have certified letters waiting to be picked up. All of them from the company financing the car loan I stupidly allowed the A to finance in my name. He stopped making payments on the car 4 months ago and is now hiding it from me and the financier who is trying to repossess the car. I've just stopped picking up the letters because they all say the same thing. I'm in a whole lot of trouble and they can't wait to sue me. I also have several notices from the DMV. One reminding me that the registration for that car is suspended and the fine I owe is getting getting bigger daily. That is due to a ticket the A got at the airport several months ago when he went to pick up a woman he met on the internet. He flew her in and then started a 3 month affair with her. That involved him clearing out our joint accounts and stealing money from my personal account to buy this woman gifts. Of course she dumped him once he lost access to my money and couldn't buy her gifts anymore. The car is registered in both our names but for some reason all the fines come in my name. Then there is another notice that he let the insurance lapse on his car so I now have a huge fine for that and it continues to add up daily. It is so high now they are threatening to suspend my drivers license and the registration on my other car. I need to drive at my job so if my license gets suspended I'm going to lose my job. Then there is a new suprise today. He amended one of our tax returns without my knowledge and now we owe a bunch of money for him fraudently filing for EIC. I know we are supposed to feel compassion for them but it is really becoming impossible for me when I receive daily reminders of how badly he is screwing up his life and dumping all his problems on me while he drinks himself into oblivion. All I can think of right now is that is must be really nice to just drink all your cares away and let everyone else pick up the pieces. I know I have some culpability in this situation because I never should have allowed him finance a car and register it in my name but shouldn't I be able to trust my husband? He used to be a sweet loving man that was trustworthy. How could I predict 10 years later he would turn into this monster. I'm having a really hard time controlling my rage right now and the thing that is really upsetting me is knowing that right now he is probaby passed out drunk somewhere after a day of throwing the pity party he throws for himself everyday. I'm going to try to cheer myself up by remembering that although he is trying to drag out this divorce eventually this man and his problems will be out of my life. For that I am so grateful.
-- Edited by scaredandconfused on Sunday 31st of March 2013 08:17:50 PM
-- Edited by scaredandconfused on Sunday 31st of March 2013 08:18:31 PM
Oh my gosh, Scaredandconfused. Huge hugs to you. I'm new here so before anybody with better help or ESH can post, I'd just like to say stay strong, please try to get a good night's sleep, and tackle one thing at a time in the morning during daylight hours. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) Another thing that comes to my mind is: do you have a lawyer? If you don't have one, I think the first thing I would do is start calling around to try to find one who can work for you even partially pro-bono on your divorce. If you are in the US, can you contact your nearest Legal Aid? I had no income when going through my divorce and found one who would be in my corner with me, for a grand total of $1000. So it wasn't free, but greatly reduced. Knowing she was there, on my side, really helped me be less afraid, even though it was still a mess and there was only so much of it she and the courts could clean up. It took a lot of phone calls to find her that I had to overcome the fear, even to make.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You must be so completely overwhelmed. ((((hugs)))). Perhaps we can help you knock out all these big, scary fears, one at a time.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 31st of March 2013 10:11:52 PM
There could be a bright side to your situation. I mean this situation he has left you with could keep you from jumping back on the merry go round. Sometimes we begin doubting our reasons to leave thinking it wasnt that bad. This pain could be the driving force to keep you strong and closer to a better, healthier future. I hope there is a way out of this for you. I would try to open up to all those who are owed money. Tell them the situation and maybe there are some solutions that are less painful than this.x
No one really understands how awful this all is...except for those of us who have walked in your shoes...
My exA and I ended up staying married just long enought to file bankruptcy together...which was not my preferred reality at the time...but we couldn't afford 2 bankruptcy lawyers. Once that was discharged, then I started divorce proceedings.
In hindsight, I wish I had taken legal action sooner -- to protect myself from the financial fallout of his disease...can you see a lawyer?
It feels overwhelming at the beginning...I cried so much that I was often dehydrated (hahaha)...but what I tried to do is take one step across the bridge to health every day.
How do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time...
I am now 2+ years separated, one year divorced...and I'm just starting to be financially stable (I have a $1000 emergency fund for the first time in my life).
It is so hard to know what the next right step might be, however, I believe that the guidance you received regarding contacting an attorney is superb. This will help shift you out of the emotions and into Your survival. Put the thoughts of having compassion in the background for now, that puts you in the realm of "I should feel this way"...stay with what you feel. Keep in mind the 3 A's: awareness of your feelings, acceptance of your feelings, and the next best action to take. Phew...I wish you the best..hugs.
