The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I received an email from my mother saying my family is going to my brother's home in another state for Easter. I only have this one sibling, its just the four of us and his wife and my only niece who Im crazy about. My brother's wife's family will be there too. We have always spent holidays together. My mothers email said I am "welcome to come along too, of course, if I want to. "
It was hurtful. And as time goes on and I come more and more to full realization of what's gone on for 40 years, they're getting more and more desperate and hurtful.
My brother has been intentionally leaving me out of plans over the last year. In the past my i just accepted i must be the family mess-up so they were more subtle in what they did. He and his wife are always on Facebook and over 3 years never said a word on my page or "liked" a single post I made. (i know they have watched my progress because when i see them they try to passive-aggressively challenge my valurs in the hopes i wont be honest and Ill people-please away the discomfort of what they are doing.) They dont want me to change.
last year I went to family events and the same dynamic was present. Manipulative games all over the place where i was left out of facts or invited late or told to tag along through others. Against my better judgment I accepted it. but yesterday i responded to my mothers email by saying that I wouldn't go to anyone's home if I wasn't invited by them themselves, and that I don't settle for crumbs anymore, especially at the last minute.
This morning when I woke up I found myself very angry at all the years of scapegoating and rejection. I started emailing my parents and telling them off. I said horrible things. I REACTED.
I feel guilty because I reacted and WAS a poor example of what God can do, I feel. It was met with more manipulative hurt towards me, saying theyre "so sorry I'm not feeling well." I just frustrated and hurt myself, really - and gave them what they wanted - relief from the way they feel And a reason to push the svapegoat all the way out now that I've served my purpose and the gig's up. I know the truth.
I have been wonderful to my brother and have always loved and accepted his wife. I have never so much ad given her a sideways glance or an unpleasant tone of voice. But after my argument with my parents she sent me a very passive-aggressive text message saying "A million hugs and kisses to you! We miss you this weekend!" Really?? Then why not throw me a simple email asking me to join everyone at Easter? Why not ever return my calls? Why not let my Skype with my niece? Why shut me out?
Once upon a time I had hoped with all my heart my family would heal. I made very thorough direct amends to them all 2 years ago and proceeded to be the best daughter anyone could ask for - but they won't stop...and I am human...I don't think I can do it anymore, yet I don't want a hole in my heart wherey family used to be. I am so sad.
any experience anyone can share is welcome.
thank God I have another family (you)
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:54:06 PM
At times when I feel like you do my fallback reaction is to get VERY formal and polite (and stand-offish) until I am feeling better about my own emotions. If you want to take the really high road call FTD and send flowers to your sis-in-law for Easter. On the card give your apologies for not coming to her house and hope that they are all well. Keep it formal and hallmark-y.
And then go out and take care of yourself. Have a happy Easter. Don't sit around and be mad. Do something that will make you happy.
-- Edited by maryjane on Saturday 30th of March 2013 06:42:36 PM
I've had a similar issue with getting guilt trips about why I don't come up for family get togethers, yet it dawned on me that almost none of my family has made plans to visit me. It's not that they mean to hurt me, they just don't think. They don't know how to respond. They never planned on having a gay alcoholic brother/son that lives 1000 miles away. I've always had problems fitting in quite right in my family. It does hurt and annoy me at times but I can't stay stuck in that muck. I know you have an active recovery program and friends who respect and love you. Let those folks be your family perhaps.
I don't know what more you can to do accept the family you have. You seem pretty intent on viewing them in a negative light and I'm not saying your views are incorrect. Just that they do seem to hurt you.
P.S. - Past responses of mine to you have been pretty snippy and sometimes rude. I wanted to say that in many ways I identify with your posts more than other ones here cuz you do have the alcoholic thing going and we are sort of tied like that. You can call me on my BS better than a nonalcoholic too. In other words, I'm sorry you are struggling and I respect you will find answers in your way and in your time. I also know what it's like to feel like a black sheep in the family and that's a large part of why I live 1000 miles away from them.
Thanks, Pinkchip. I appreciate that. But Im a big girl. I understand it.
I appreciate your response today. I know I have to get rid of the term "scapegoat". Although its the one my sponsor showed me when I was ready to see it, I am at a place today where I know I'm not a victim. There are things I can do to have a happier life. "Black sheep" is much better! Good for you, because I did have a part in things. My reactions to life do not deem me entirely innocent. And I believe I was born sensitive.
I like to re-read my own words and you sort of mentioned a thought I had today wen as I was typing: why aren't I inviting THEM to MY house? It's one I've thought of before. Also, what about my pride and my intolerance of Them? I'm doing this work not them, why all the expectations?
Still, as guilty as I feel for the things I said to them today, I believe in order for me to heal I do need to completely detach at this time. Later on when I feel like I might make it and am healthier especially physically but also more prepared spiritually, I can re-assess.
I am so sorry that this incident developed as it did. I do understand and have engaged with my "FOO" more that once over similar issues. Today I too am grateful that I have my alanon family group and as for my" FOO", I treat them with courtesy and respect and expect nothing.
I agree about being very formal and backing off until I can deal better. Good wording. Thanks But why would I go to extremes to apologize for not going somewhere I wasn't invited to? Brother and sis-in-law clearly left me out. And believe me, they know just how much it hurts.
Thanks Betty. Courtesy. Hmmm. More good wording. And of course no expectations. Yep. It is sad that I can no longer have those close, fun, relationships of yesteryear when my family was all young. Then again, I was in la-la land too :) I guess this is life as an adult? I will try to take a breather and next time try it as you describe it. Thank you very much.
I don't want to be dismissive of your history of being left out of family things. Often dynamics get set and people just go on in those for years, and family habits can get set in stone even though they're very unfair.
But part of what happens is that all parties do some mind-reading and assume that everyone is on the same page about the rules. I'm afraid I don't see that you were not invited. In many families, a second-hand invitation is just fine. Could be that your brother's family said, "Great, you're coming to our place? And ask WorkingThroughIt too of course." Or that they assumed that without even saying it in so many words. I know that if you're like me, you'll respond, "But they've left me out so many times in the past, not inviting me first-hand is the same as leaving me out." I'm just saying that this may well not be so to them. It is to you, clearly. But different people have different assumptions about what means what. And everyone assumes everyone is on the same page as they are, when this may not be the case at all. For what it's worth, it sounds to me from what you've described as if they want to have you, and as if your sister-in-law may have been trying to send you a cheery encouraging message rather than dissing you. (If you're like me, you'll respond, "But you don't know them! They're sneaky and hostile!" But ... maybe they're not.)
Whenever we have painful wounds from the past, we tend to see the world through those filters. I myself have filters through which I am constantly scanning the world about being disliked and left out. Of course some people undoubtedly do dislike me. But my therapist listened to my descriptions for a long time and she said, "You know what? This is old stuff. People are not actively disliking you and leaving you out of things. I can tell. You're putting the past on the present." Now I've got two voices in my head: the one that is still saying, "Look at what she said! That proves she dislikes me! And she didn't invite me to that thing! I knew it would happen!" And the other voice is saying, "You know you're not a good judge of this. It's probably actually okay."
This kind of view of the world presupposes that we can't get what we want. And to some extent that people have to make it up to us for past hurts. But of course the only one we can control is ourselves, and we can ask for what we want. We could say, "Golly, I'm kind of confused that the Easter celebration is now at brother's. Would they want me to come? I don't want to impose." Or "I'll e-mail them myself and see what's what." Or "Just checking -- are you full up or do you have room for another?" It's important to give them an "out" because then we can't say to ourselves, "They just invited me because I backed them into a corner."
I think you're right that blowing up doesn't help the situation. But it's obvious you're feeling a lot of pain. Take care of yourself.
Hi Mattie. The reason we all have to do our own work is so we know the truth. I know exactly what's going on and I don't take it beyond the truth into paranoia. So knowing the truth I continue to get more tools for dealing with the truth. Happy Easter.
You not being invited reminded me of my aunt's reaction to not receiving an invitation to my wedding 45 years ago. When I asked her in person to be my attendant, she said no, she wasn't going because she hadn't received a written invitation.
I was shocked. She was my aunt. Of course she should be IN my wedding. Written invitations were for people outside my family. (Did I say I was a very young bride and had neither help nor even an Emily Post guide?) To this day, our relationship is strained.
I assumed she knew she was invited. We had talked about the date, etc. I was not as thoughtful as I ought to have been. Still, when someone doesn't show up because they weren't invited, I still wonder if the host expectated the other person would KNOW they were welcome, especially if it's a close family member.
Did any of your other aunts, uncles or cousins receive a written invitation? If so then yes, you assumed she would just show up for you and you can make direct amends to her for that today. If no one else in your immediate or extended family received a written invitation, then have you simply told her that? If that is the case and you have told her so, then her holding on to a resentment has nothing to do with you anymore.
