The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay..Gonna be blunt. This is something I have struggled with alot.
Your friend may or may not be an alcoholic.
When I find myself taking other people's inventory...I ask myself:
1) why does it matter to ME whether he is alcoholic or not? If I am concerned, I can communicate that with him. but is it qualitatively something else? Is it my need to feel better about ME because he is not living right and of course, I am?
2) why do other people have to see it too? to validate me? my judgment? because I need people on my side, the side of being right and righteous? Isn't it enough that I see it?
This is SO hard, and difficult questions, but we have to stop feeling like we need to help others see the light...which really means..seeing things like we do. We can't fix others. We can't take care of them, or make them live right. It's up to HP to do that. We can live our lives in peace, and pray for others to have peace too.
God bless,
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Saturday 30th of March 2013 03:43:45 PM
-- Edited by rehprof on Saturday 30th of March 2013 03:44:18 PM
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
In the past I have mentioned that I have a friend who I have become more and more distant from. The reason for this is that I think he is an alcoholic. This person grew up in an alcoholic home and we've discussed it in the past, but ultimately I feel like his disease is progressively getting worse.
When we first started hanging out, we'd always meet at bars for food as a group. Ussually twice a week. After a while, he moved to the next town over and found a new place for us to go. We would go on Tuesday's for cheap wing night, then he would invite us on the weekends and sometimes on other weeknights. Sometimes we would show up and he would be there by himself. His employment track record is spotty, he really wants to work the least amount possible for the most amount, his marriage is not healthy (my judgement from the outside looking in) as they fight a lot (or did when I was around) and they rarely if ever hang out outside of family gatherings. His friends are beginning to change. He now hangs out regularly with the owner of his new hangout and he's befriended a bacardi sales rep so that he may receive free samples. He attends a lot of concerts where the primary activity is drinking. Now I have recently found out that he's 'decided' to not use credit cards anymore and consistently asks others to use their's to put down payments on events he is planning.
The one thing that was my breaking point was an incident that happened last November, the last time I saw him. (wow 5 months). We were out at a birthday and it was imperative we catch the next train to head to his local hangout. It was a big rush, an attempt to control and persuade the crowd, We got there and it was dark, loud, smokey, and the same bs karaoke songs you hear everywhere else. I had enough. I got a ride home and never set foot in that place again nor talked to them.
What bothers me is that I feel like I never got any closure on the situation. It's funny because the prospect of dealing with him and that group again, just deflates me and I do not look forward to it at all. So I don't participate.
What also bothers me is that I seem to be the only one that sees that his life is heading down a downward spiral. When I bring it up, people downplay it or tell me it's not as bad as I think.
I have a hard time believing that EVERYONE is sick from his drinking and in major denial. Yet, I see the light.
Am I the one over-reacting? Is it the disease controlling my emotions? I am always of the belief that if it walks like a duck and quaks like a duck, then guess what it is?
That was good. It is my need to feel better about me and it is because I want people to see me as right and righteous. I suppose it is enough that I see it. For all I know, they could see it to but just don't want to say anything or start something. Maybe they value his friendship more than I do.
The relationship with this group is not a healthy one for me and that's why I have distanced myself. I don't like the way I act, nor my role in the greater group. I also don't like the way I am treated and at times condescended. More specifically by this guy. He is always commenting that I can't hold my drinking or that anything I accomplish is always belittled.
This goes back to my need to seeking out relationships where people are unavailable and not tending to my needs, much like my parents. It's always the ones that don't like me that are the ones that get the most of my attention. It's always them where I feel I need to fight for their attention.
It's like this with women as well. The ones that show interest are the ones that I shun, yet the ones that aren't interested or have a boyfriend are the ones I go after, so that way when they reject me, I can continue this cycle of self-pity that I know so well! When I do get a date
I came to this realization awhile ago and this is exactly an example of that. I hang onto this relationship because it's almost as though i want the approval. Sometimes i ask myself 'Why dont you take me seriously?' 'Why don't you guys help me?'.........
Wow
I am going to start now, practicing the recognition of healthy relationships.
-In al-anon, people listen to me. People tell me how great i'm doing. They love hearing about me. I have developed friendships with members outside the fellowship. -I am now on a rec sports team, with a bunch of guys that want to see me succeed. Unlike the other guys who would always want to see me fail. -My best friends. They are great.
I love the "right and righteous". I always wanted to be known for that too. Jim, you have come a long way. The program IS working. Keep letting it wash over you and keep taking care of yourself.
Could you be focusing on your friends life a little too much? In an obsessive way? Im asking because I can easily do this too except its with my son. I watch his every move and try to work out his problems in an obsessive way and its because of my issues. Your friend is living his own life just as my son is and I am learning that the best we can do is pray for them and let them fall. We need to focus on us, our own lives, behaviour, recovery and we need to be vigilant for this type of behaviour in us that is part of our own sickness. Im walking this road too Jim.x
Just read the replys, great topic Jim. I think your program is working. I am like that too when it comes to people who are distant I really really want to be their friend. I think this may be why I lived with my A for 20 years. Its part of our own sickness. Thanks Jim, I learned a lot.
I have also questioned if my thinking about it is borderline obsessive. I think that goes back to really not getting any closure on the situation and that others are still socializing as though this is normal. Questioning if I am the one over-reacting. The thing is, I am much happier not dealing with some of his nonsense and the groups nonsense. As I mentioned, I left that bar that night and never looked back to any of them. Sad thing is (is it really sad?) Noone has questioned why I never came back and I haven't heard a peep from them. Not one of them has called me. Oh well. They are no longer a part of my journey. God chose that night for some reason.
The thing is, a lot of them drink as well. There is more to the story though. I won't get into it though. It's just gossip and resentment over the way he chooses to live his life.
One of the reasons I have opted to end this relationship is because I didn't like the way I acted around them. I got very angry, sarcastic and my needs were never tended to or met. Time to move on.
I have recognized a lot of this since coming to al-anon. I find my relationships are healthier now. I am around people that value my ideas, value my input, my opinions and I am able to value their's better.
