The material presented
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I'm awake at 2 AM ruminating and cooking up a resentment against 1 of my bosses. I had an idea about a training for gay and lesbian awareness, sensitivity, and resources. I have some connections outside of work and have used them to help my office/organization before. Generally speaking, I am a dynamo at work, really driven. I probably spend too much time kissing ass in hopes of praise or promotion. On the flip side, I work like crazy and will work even more as long as I just hear "God job Mark! I recognize what you are doing. Thanks!" I want that even more than a paycheck it would seem. So as I was in the midst of pitching this idea to my larger boss...before I could even get a word out she said "Oh god Mark, you better not be coming to me with some annoying, sad, drivel about one of your clients! I'm eating lunch." My jaw dropped and I just walked out. It was obvious I was offended and she called after me....tried to play it off as a joke or whatever, but it wasn't a joke. It was me working my ass off, going above and beyond, being like the model employee only to get the proverbial smack down with a highly inappropriate comment. So here I am awake all mad and thinking "I make more money for that company than anyone just about" which is true cuz I bill crazy hours. I have outlasted all coworkers who have all quit and am the most senior employee on the team now. I got licensed. I work weekends... I do make decent money now but GEEZ - would it hurt my boss to be open to whatever I have to say? Even if I did want to talk about my clients during her luch so what? Leave the office for lunch if you don't want to be bothered. The irony is that she is the direct of training and part of the reason I don't talk that much about my personal life is that she is not particularly gay sensitive and could really use this training herself. She is also supposed to be the person most concerned about morale. I followed through on what I had planned and pulled out a contact I'd made from doing the Aids Walk ths past weekend in which me and my partner raised like over 2000 dollars for this organization (something else she doesn't know squat about what I do in my spare time) so I figured they might be willing to forgo their usual training fees to come talk to my company. The company which I was reaching out to does like over 80 percent of all the mental health services for the GLBT population and they run teen drop in centers for GLBT youth. They were very open to the idea and it's necessary since we all work with kids and families and coming out issues and such are super important to being a counselor with teens/families right?
So basically, feel like I did her job for her only to get a nasty comment about talking about work too much and a big part of the idea I was proposing dealt with why I only ever feel comfortable talking about work in an office where everyone rambles on about their kids and spouses but want to walk away the minute I mention "my partner."
I feel like the same screw up little sissy that would do anything to please mom and dad or whoever else and yet it was never good enough. I don't fit in and this is what drove my alcoholism largely.
On the other hand, I have enough recovery in me to know these are all unproductive thoughts. I have a good paying job. My bosses do like me and generally appreciate me and I am blowing out of proportion 1 snarky and inappropriate comment from 1 boss who is known to be abrasive and inappropriate and taking it way way way too personal. When I take a step back and recognize I do not work for accolades (or at least should not) but to do the right thing and be of service....I work for my HP and that is my best employer. Since I rerouted my thinking that way, I am generally happier and make more money too.
Yet - I still get all side tracked with not getting props and any criticism stings like I'm a giant freakin baby. I really need to stop being such a martyr and ass kisser and refocus on working for my HP rather than getting drawn into office BS and personalities (including my own). Spoke with Jerry recently about staying within the 3rd step in my work, and I know I need to be an agent of my HP and not an agent of Mark hoping to get employee of the century award and acting like someone peed in my cereal whenever they speak to me in a way that is anything but "Oh you are so awesome Mark!"
I got issues and I need to let this one go. I suspect this resentment has a lot to do with lack of humility. Touchy subject cuz I want to feel good about myself but I don't want my ego all puffed out in unhealthy ways cuz look what happens when I carry myself like that....
It sounds like you've got some good balance there in your response to your response. Anybody coming out with a smirky dismissive comment like hers is clearly dysfunctional and I imagine it comes back to bite her a lot oftener than she'd like. Most people probably try to avoid and her roll their eyes if necessary. Even if everyone knows what she's like, what a way to motivate employees! That kind of ridiculing attitude is bad enough in a fellow employee but in a boss, boy is it bad for morale.
It sounds as if she's tapped into your version of what we all have, a thought about "What if I'm actually an idiot? And maybe everyone thinks it but they just don't say it all the time?" I can go straight from feeling proud of myself over some accomplishment to feeling like I'm chopped liver if someone makes a withering remark. I think it must be like what little kids feel when their parents are unfair -- "This is such terrible behavior that I must deserve it, that's the only way I can explain what's happening." But the thing is that no one deserves withering comments, whether they're angels or having a bad time. This boss is completely out of line. Of course, there are a lot of folks out there like that. We can't expect that they'll magically start having healthy respectful interactions, but also we don't have to think it's reasonable.
I'm not sure this is about you needing more humility, the way I see it. Smarting at being treated like dirt is a human reaction and it seems to me that the trick is knowing that no one 'deserves' to be treated like that, though it happens all around. You can have humility without being humiliated. She was humiliating. Imagine me rolling my eyes about her; that's what I'm doing. She really has no idea what you're like and how much you're worth, and if she did she couldn't take it in because she's looking at herself and not at other people. Fortunately you have other contexts where people do acknowledge your worth, like I imagine other people at your work and the people you volunteer with and of course on these boards, where you are a paragon of straight talking and good sense. Don't let the rantings of one abrasive person let you forget your very real worth.
Thanks Mattie...that does help. It hit me right in the family of origin crap. Like my parents who raised me to be all bleeding heart change the world liberal but when I try to talk to them about what I actually do they want to change the subject and fawn over my lawyer sister's accomplishments.
Typically family get together: Parents: "Wow. You did this and that and met this important senator and got your name in the paper as one of the most important people in Maryland's legal community (to sister)." Mark; "Um I have 10 suicidal client and I am working hard to save their lives. I have a client that is psychotic and I had to have him hospitalized. I have a client whose mother dipped her in boiling water." Parents: "Hrm. Sounds hard. Anyway...(to sister) lets talk more about boring ass Maryland politics and how great you are!"
Me: Tragic victim and martyr - never ending quest for approval.
This boss has said some positive things to me lots of times but it's like the few abrasive comments and this one in particular knocked me right in the gut and erased anything positive you know? It felt like character assassination for me caring too much about my clients which is what they should want in a counselor right?
I have to confess that I have a "Pink Chip" journal on my computer. It is random cut and pastings of the many, many straight forward and wise responses you have given out on this board. I read and re-read these musing often, especially in time of crisis (like this weekend). You are a treasure on these boards, and don't let anyone else tell you differently. Obviously, that just fell out of her mouth, hopefully she did not really give any thought to what she was saying. But I find that I also struglgle, mightly, with the people pleasing martyr complex. As a child my parents constantly compared me to my brother. Fancy degree and big succcess he was going to be . He now drives a fork lift on the third shift at K Mart.
I concur with Mattie completely. As reprof said, God has bigger plans for you.
Get some rest and have a good weekend.
-- Edited by LeenieBeanie on Saturday 30th of March 2013 10:12:41 AM
Mark, sounds like you are on the 3rd step with sponsor ? there are a couple of things i'm hearing and please don't misread these .. these are My experiences Only .. One of the things that stands out to me is the idea of her lunch time .. boundaries were very hard for me to set .. they were also very hard for me to respect .. it sounds like the boss has a hard time setting boundaries through the direct amends (communication) of letting others know she doesn't want to talk shop while she's eating .. sounds like possibly she may be expecting others to just know this about her .. sort of like the mindreading I used to expect others to do with me .. it was also hard for me to be humble at times (teachable) .. the steps are all about learning .. hp wants to always show me something .. I used to hear after step 3 hp steps in .. my sponsor used to always remind me .. nothing happens by mistake and whatever happens will be for a deeper recovery in me .. leaving the lunch room would be better for her if she again were able to set healthier boundaries for herself and others .. surprising how many struggle with this at times ..
what else steps out is my remembering of my a .. it wasn't my boss but i truly did Everything for him that i could .. I stood by him for years through thick thin .. got his license back, got him a new job, apartment, you name it .. and then ? He left me high and dry in the end .. I continued to think of how I worked for him above and beyond what I needed to .. the humility .. very painful teaching and learning ? He never asked me to .. I realised eventually I couldn't blame him for something I gave willingly ..
blaming others gives them power over our thinking, emotions, etc, you name it .. I type this out of love and experience only .. this is only what i've learned .. may help may not .. either way .. so grateful we have a place to share !
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:17:22 PM
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:18:34 PM
also want to add .. it's hard enough for us to take our own 4th .. one of the reasons others get so mad when we call them on their stuff is that it feels like a 4th .. they have to take their own inventory .. your saying nothing, walking out ? .. sounds like she had to hear "herself .. and came because she did .. not sure it would change anything but it sounds like you are truly loyal to your work and they are lucky to have you .. sometimes saying nothing says more than saying something .. hang in there .. i try when I can to use love, and kindness always .. it keeps my serenity, dignity, truth with me .. Your sharing was good for me to read .. reminded me sometimes when we try to please our parants, others it's because there's an underneath guilt or shame of not living up to their expectations .. sad really, i've found myself apologising at times for just being me .. but today we have a beautiful and healing relationship thanks to these rooms and the members who have shared from the heart .. hoping you get some rest tonight ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:24:10 PM
last but not least .. we're having coffee here by the way .. i have time to kill lol .. when we want to feel good about ourselves .. it's a good feeling but i've also learned if my feeling good depends on others it isn't a good feeling .. i love the feeling of serenity i find in meetings .. those feelings can really trip me up .. the second they change, my perception of me and others changes .. a lot of pressure waiting for the shoe to drop for me because they shift so quick .. had to learn they are not facts, they are just what they are .. i don't judge them today .. but am recognising joy feels a lot better than some of the fleeting feelings i've had .. it comes with the steps .. the more we work them the more they work .. used to think since my life wasn't picture pretty in a minute i wasn't working the steps hard enough but i see am doing the work .. the outcome is up to hp .. the work is work .. showing up .. 3 meetings a week .. sponsor, literature ..speakers .. 4th and 5th steps and continuing on .. very much doing my part .. hard for me to be patient !! (sometimes) take care again .. thanks for the coffee company ~~
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:30:18 PM
I teach civil rights and social justice models. I BELIEVE in social justice. Yet, there is a down side. When there is discrimination -- that means there is someone in power...and someone / some group who is/are victim of their discriminatory behavior. So, the social justice models necessitates, on some level, VICTIM status. The model doesn't work without a victim.
We know the downside of being a victim...from alanon. It makes us reactionary, powerless, etc etc..So apply Tom's idea to the boss...she is going to stay stupid stuff, and do stupid stuff...what are YOU going to do?
Step into the power you do have, with the people who "get" you. Try not to let them have power over you (especially in your head), because that makes you a victim. Screw that. You are a talented, gifted, insightful guy...and god knows GLBTQ folks and teens need people in their own community delivering services..because they are more likely to be authentically empathic than the straight folks (though not always). Peer support is powerful.
where would these kids be without your leadership? Eyes on the prize...don't be a victim, don't be distracted by small minds. God has bigger plans for you pink.
I have found thought stopping techniques of use when I'm up at 2 am "spinning" -- and even after all my counseling and strategies, I often find myself in that headspace, unable to sleep. One thing that had helped is that I have named this behavior...so it doesn't seem like these thoughts are TRUTH and are REAL and part of me. when I find myself spinning...I say "OH, there's RALPH again..here to visit" I know, weird, but it works. It separates ME from the act of THINKING.
Hi Mark, its nice to see you posting and giving us a chance to offer wise words, its usually you giving not taking. I have been your boss with some quick nasty comment and it is because I have so much going on in my private life that I deflect my frustrations. I am working on this defect. Maybe she felt safe enough to unload in a weird way. Maybe she knew you are strong enough in your own skin, although im sure not on a conscious level. Anyway, you are brilliant and maybe you should slip a 'Just for Today' card into her desk.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 30th of March 2013 03:45:56 PM
Dr. Phil (and don't we all know he is the final word in all things) says It takes a whole lot of Attaboys to offset one Sucky comment. And that was really a sucky comment. She obviously has the heart of a bureaucrat and not that of a Social Worker.
I know what you mean about the middle of the night thing. The fantods can get me then. Once morning comes, I can speak rationally to myself and go right to sleep.
Thanks for coming and sharing. We can't fix her, but we can empathize and let you know how much we think of you. And how much we appreciate the good work you are doing.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I don't know about her heart, my thinking as I read your post Mark was, wow, wonder how bad her life has to be to remark something like that to a professional colleague? Long time ago my mom and I went to a fast food joint, lady behind the counter was snarky & rude, I commented on her bad behavior to which my mother replied, well, we don't know what kind of life she has outside working here, (she was of mom's generation), maybe she has "things in her life that she can't shake to peddle fast food". (not moms words but a paraphrase of her thoughts.) I have often found myself returning to that way of thinking when faced with an unpleasant person - maybe their life sucks. I know that I snap sometimes at people who do not deserve it, pressures get too much, the moon is in the cusp, all things are not aligning correctly and everyone seems to be pulling me in different opposing directions and then SNAP - some innocent enters my airspace and they get the brunt of my frustration.
The other day I went to try to find a guy I have dealings with, found instead a woman friend who's back was to me and I knew things were horrid for her at that moment - i had to switch gears and become the helpful caring friend; joked her to better humor forgetting my needs for the moment. Later when I went back again to find the guy, she was there again and thanked me for checking up on her (guiltyly I did not tell her that well, I wasn't there for her, lol).
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Re narky boss - in my experience when someone makes a crass comment like the one she made to you it says a whole lot about her and the kind of day she is having and nothing at all about you. (Great idea by the way, hope it flies).
I'm not surprised you are good at what you do, I love your posts and you are clearly able to change lives for the better AND with great humour as well - if that isn't an awesome combination I don't know what is. (I smiled at your cornflakes reference btw and you would be top of the class in my creative writing course for that dialogue with your parents. Painful to experience, but not many folks can write it down so eloquently).
'Tragic victim and martyr - never ending quest for approval'. Oh god, that sounds familiar!!! Thanks for pointing it out.
Have a good day. You are appreciated. Sending (((((hugs)))))
I'm so glad you are here, Mark. I have reaped the benefits of your wonderfully-worded wisdom here, even though I only just joined and lurked for a while before that. I'm still a n00b and can't top what others here have said. I echo LeenieBeanie's sentiment about keeping snippets of your gems (except mine are hand-written notes in strategic places).
My boss is an alcoholic who drinks at work all day, so I am also working on letting his stuff be his stuff, and to remember that he's not my Dad. I have yet to figure out how to stop my body reacting physically to his Dad-like demeanor when he has to stoop so low as to explain something to me that he wants me to do: my heart racing & palpitations, stomach upset, urge to flee, etc. I guess the good thing about it is that each time I practice not reacting that way, it makes the next time easier. I like Rehprof's idea of giving it a separate name altogether.
On a side-note: as I was reading your post, Mark, I found myself in total awe of your sample work week. Such worthwhile work! Mine's purely about money.
Thanks guys for all the input. I like to think I've worked all the steps and now I use them for a model to live. As far as living within step 3 in relation to work. That's where I go back to in realizing that a person is my boss technically, but the work I do in the day is to a greater power...a higher power whom I have turned my will over to. This way I don't get filled with resentment when I don't get some silly kudos that really shouldn't mean much anyhow. And I also don't feel ultimately smacked down by little criticisms cuz, if I'm working for my HP, what 1 other human boss thinks is not the end all. My HP can give me much more. Make sense? I have gotten annoyed with admin bosses before when they turned a deaf ear to client issues. It is like they forget how hard and draining it is to be in the field. If I do become a supervisor again one day, i must promise to always empathise with how tedious it is to be constantly exposed to sick and abused people/children. It wears on you and I can forgive her a bit for forgetting what it's like and I am blessed that my direct supervisor stepped up from doing my job just a year ago and she really understands.
I eventually was able to let go some and feel a bit better. It's just her. I talked to my more direct supervisor and vented at how "aspergery" this lady is. If she knew it really hurt me, she probably would apologize and she kind of did in that moment. I also do talk to much about work when people are trying to socialize or eat lunch...but on the flip side, I kind of think they should drop it cuz I don't get a lunch break really and I'm constantly working so I don't feel sorry for interrupting their 2 hour lunch breaks lol. I also never get to call in sick...etc...so they can suck it and it's far better that her biggest complaint about me is I talk to much about work (UM....AT WORK) and it's not like she's saying I don't do my work (which she does regularly say about other people in front of me).
Gold plated problems right? Not major issues even though it was keeping me up at night.
You've gotten some really good responses here Mark. I have not much to add honestly. I always have a hard time with people's crass or insulting comments and tend to ruminate over them. One thing I've learned to ask myself is if every word that comes out of my mouth is always said in the right way in the right tone, etc. I know I can't say yes. We all have crappy days, weeks, heck even years. Does that give us the right to s*it on everybody? No, of course not. But it does remind me that we're all human.
It sounds like you've gotten some clarity since starting this thread. Thanks for all your helpful posts here!
we all have hard times with others at times .. i try to keep the focus on me and hang on to it's my thinking and behavior i'm going to feel overall .. sometimes my first thoughts, emotions, feelings are reactions .. still i struggle and will be back often to share on my own situations i'm sure .. wishing you a very serene future ! happy easter !
Mark, As I was reading your post I kept screaming in my head, "CONSIDER THE SOURCE". That lady colleague of yours must be batty. She doesn't know quality when it comes to talk to her during lunch. You are quality stuff. She must have a lot of crap in her life to be so ignorant of how to treat her colleagues.
You know you wouldn't do it to her, so why is it okay for her to dismiss you so easily. The Golden Rule goes both ways.
Boy, can I relate. My boss was like this everyday. I quit my job on Wednesday because of it. I was being subjected to a steady diet of it. It does make you feel bad about yourself and question the job you do and the way you relate to people. Sounds like she at least tried to come after you and remedy the situation so there seems to be some realization there - there's hope. My ex boss was too much of a narcissist to ever see any wrong in the way she treats people. Hang in there and keep your head up.
PS - my youngest son just came out not long ago and so I personally know how important the work that you do is.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
You are awesome and I delight in your posts as they are direct and edgy...love 'em. I have read the responses and cannot add much, other than I hate when this happens to me! Perhaps this posting by Joseph Campbell might be of some interest:
"What has always been basic to resurrection, or Easter, is crucifixion. If you want to resurrect, you must have crucifixion. Too many interpretations of the Crucifixion have failed to emphasize that. They emphasize the calamity of the event. And if you emphasize calamity, then you look for someone to blame. That is why people have blamed the Jews for it. But it is nota calamity if it leads to new life. Through the Crucifixion we were unshelled, we were able to be born to resurrection. That is not a calamity. We must look freshly at this so that it's symbolism can be sensed."
I hope this is not offensive to anyone, and if it is inappropriate, please let me know...believe me, I am not emeshed in Christianity, but I do love the symbolisms in life. I hope you get some sleep tonight!
I know this isn't Alanon lit however I loved the AA 24 hours reading today about the open heart. The Alanon Just for Today bookmark comes to mind as well. The St Francis prayer, we actually read that at the open AA meetings on Tuesday and Sat .. LOVE these very special people in those meetings. Anyway, something that hit me further which has been this week is my need for other people to validate me .. I don't know why that has really been a reoccuring theme literally walked into the open AA meeting and had a good laugh with a sister there about worrying about what other people thought. It's not to say what your boss did was even close to appropriate because I know I desperately want to hear the WOW what a great job and thanks for taking the time to do such and such. I wonder if it's more my issue that I have an issue with they didn't say that, .. of course the world could be kinder always. I know I brace myself for the ohhh you could have, should have, if you would have far before I even guess I'm going to hear you did a great job.
Just a different take on your share and what you posted about your parents and their attitudes between your sis and you. It really does come down to if I expect someone else to validate me .. how can they if in their own way they are sick/dysfunctional? I gotta find that within me and then I can address the other persons behavior without needing to take it personally.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was thinking about this situation some more and had two thoughts. The first was that say you (Mark) were indeed running over the boss's boundaries and whatever. The worst possible response she could give would be to try to ridicule you and be dismissive of your clients! What terrible boundary setting. If she wants something to change, she has a responsibility to "say what she means, mean what she says, and not say it mean." So even if you did approach her when she wanted to be alone and decompress, that's unrelated to the kind of response she chose to have.
My second thought is that maybe you should take lunchtimes regularly? Forgoing lunch might be an inadvertant way of setting up your mind for some resentments -- "I work through lunch every day and they don't appreciate my dedication -- and there they are sitting in their offices relaxing while I'm working myself to exhaustion..." We all know about putting your own oxygen mask on first. But it sounds as if part of your reaction was that you compared your hardworking non-lunching self to the lunching boss. Your work is wonderful, I'm absolutely sure, even if you take time for lunch. And your clients will survive if you take time to recharge. I know I always get a little bit strung out if I overdo the work, even if I tell myself how necessary it is. Your clients and us need you to take good care of yourself.
You are right on the money Mattie. The not eating thing is residue from my alcoholism. I do everything in full force with little moderation. I work till I drop and when I do decide to eat later at night....I throw down a huge meal. It's not healthy. I do cop some resentment at the lunch eaters but they are normal and I'm not. (to an extent - there is a culture of folks that take like 2 hours and they are not normal but this one boss is usually not one of those). I literally have to force myself to eat during a work day. I feel like it slows me down. Similar to how food would slow down my drinking before.
This particular boss has good rapport with me for the most part and she likes me. Much of the time I like her too. I think she thought she could get away with a comment that was sort of joking but it was just so not funny and it did reveal that she just doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't care about the kids that much. She certainly does have her own issues. I know in the program we are taught to focus on our own junk but, knowing who she is - I can detach a bit. Yeah, the appropriate thing for her would have been to let me start talking and then say "That sounds great, talk to me about it when I'm back in the office."
The other thing is I have to remember "I CHOOSE" to work the way I do. Others do not. Other folks do work in little bursts and stuff. It's me that goes gangbusters and cranks stuff out. I CHOOSE to have 15 clients when I am only supposed to have 11 cuz I want the money and I "can" do it. Later on I act resentful when others aren't working as hard and I forget "UM...DUH!!!! I chose this!!!" It's been pointed out to me. Hence the title I put here "Martyr Complex." I can do the same thing here on these boards and you guys have seen it. If one person disagrees with me I am all like "AFTER ALL I SHARE and all the time I put in how dare he/she...." and Blah blah blah...forgetting I choose to do this and it's not like this is even work. This is healthy for me in appropriate doses. I shared in an AA meeting recently that at 4 and a half years sober, my chief tool to say sober is still to stay busy. My head space is sick and not right. I literally am always working, working out, on her focusing on others....in meetings. I can focus on me and address my problems to an extent but it turns neurotic really fast and I have a hard time relaxing and being still. My sponsor suggested 11th step work but I kind of just gave it half hearted effort (meditation) and then blew it off. I guess I like the reward of getting stuff done but it does lead to resentments when other's dont function this way.
Also...I used to literally take naps at my desk and sneak to the family room to sleep off my hangovers. Seems pretty ridiculous that this is the same person that gets pissed when people take too long having lunch now. LOL.
Wow ... thanks for this post. I'm struggling too at work with realizing that the mission is mostly window dressing. Cultural competency is paraded out for select image building audiences and then it's back in the closet after the guests go home. Small percentages of money are applied to these agendas but larger than life presentations are rolled out with media, look how we care!
I'm beginning to realize that I don't have to take all of this personally. In the program we say "not just talking the talk but walking the walk." I ask myself what is my part? Like you, my connection is directly particular populations. The actions and words I choose with management can increase my resources for what I care about or create difficulty in getting from point a to b and the trickle down effect of deprivation to those I'm trying to help most. I'm realizing that what might seems like a no brainer to me concerning professional courtesy to an employee or an agenda that attends to the well being the people we serve doesn't come naturally to some people and unfortunately some of those people manage me. The trick has been to find out what has meaning for them (work tasks) and try to give it to them and then try to leverage a bit to get what I need to go forward with the work that has meaning for me.
In a former job, I had to cherry pick who would receive care by using a check off list including finances. The second day on the job, I planned to quit. Then a friend whose career called for similiar decisions gave me a wonderful complement and encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing. She told me ethical people were needed in such jobs to assure fairness that might not otherwise happen ("... the courage to change the things I can").
Like you, I still am serving my hp and asking to be led each day. You can be proud that you have a fire in your belly are passionate about something. What a gift from your hp! Sounds like you're doing some great footwork in your professional and personal life. To thine own self be true. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
