On my wall is a picture of my son, who is holding his new born, first child, the day he was born.  Both have their eyes closed and the love and connectedness is so obvious in that picture.  My grandchild is now 10 years old.  Then I have another picture... of my son's mug shot taken in jail.  Not on my wall of course, but still sitting on my table from a recent arrest for B&E.  He is a alcoholic/addict.

I have another picture on my wall of my oldest and favorite sister.  In it she is standing next to me, smiling, happy, excited that her brother (me) is about to get married.  I am about to take her on her first motorcycle ride in this picture.  In my office room is another picture of her... funeral.  She was killed by her alcholic husband.  He put a bullet in her head, after 27 years of marriage, when he found out she was leaving him. Both pictures were taken in 2007.

On my computer I have a several pictures of my ex gf.  We are truly enjoying ourselves in the Blue Ridge Mountains, at muesums, on a ferry, at a resturant, sitting outside a coffee shop.  Those pictures just reek of a new found love!  We are both lite up, our spirits are shining.  (Some of you saw these pictures in a video I made and posted some time back).  I have another picture of her a year later... in alcoholic coma, after drinking for only 6 days, the coma lasted 9 days.  She was drinking again within 72 hours of her release from the hospital, and never got more than a week or two sober since.  It hurt like hell, but I had to let her go... my own sanity and serenity depended upon it.  Today she sits in a jail cell in a little town about 3 hours away.  My comfort in this is knowing she won't be able to drink herself to death in there, she will eat three times a day, and sleep with a roof over her head.

I have a picture of a young man, playing a guitar on the beach as part of a memorial for one of my sponsees that died of cancer a few years ago.  he was my sponsees, sponsee.  Both in my tree of recovery family so to speak.  On my bulletin board is a news article of how this young man, after struggling to find sobriety for several years, stepped out in front of a truck and committed suicide during rush hour at a major intersection here.  In a six month period he slept on my couch several times and lived in my recovery home twice... Why he didn't make it, I don't know, but I don't believe its because he didn't want to.  I believe the disease had him so tightly wrapped, anything short of a locked down institution would not have worked.  It is sad to think he might have came to that same conclusion and couldn't bare to live with it as his ultimate reality, therefore death looked more inviting.

These are just a few of the deep pains I have seen and experienced that are the by product of alcholism and addiction, in those I love and care about.

I hurt, and then I accept, I love and then I hate, I believe and I doubt, I trust and I give up, I fear and I get a dose of faith again. Back and forth, through so many whirlwinds of emotions and mental arobics, as I live through each of these personal experiences, and as I deal with the emotional aftermath of them the best I can.

I work the very best AA & Al-Anon programs I am capable of.  As long as I do this I don't really have bad, bad days, but I must admit some days are much better than others.  I am glad no one expects me to work the "perfect" program, because if they do they will surely be disappointed.  But I am making progress.  I am getting better, I am healing, I am growing, and I am still capable of loving, smiling, believing, trusting, and living in faith.

Without Al-Anon, I don't know that I would be able to say that truthfully.  

Detachment for me comes very easy.  I am skilled at disengaging, shutting down, putting on the cold shoulder, disowning, shunning, ending communications... all that unhealthy stuff that being raised in a dysfunctional family environment, and other young developmental, impressionable experiences brought into my life, that I carried right into my adult hood.

Detaching with LOVE and Acceptance is what Al-Anon has taught me, so I can be present and available to enjoy those good, happy moments as the opportunities present themselves, in a otherwise heartbreaking, mind blowing, emotion scattering hola hoop of life experiences.

There is no easier way for me to get better, to learn, to heal or grow.  I have to turn everything and everyone over to the care of God, including me every day.  I start each day with a mantra or saying, kinda like a chant... "God has my back, so let this day begin with me... being the best person I can be, and allowing others to be the best person they can be... without standing in any harsh judgement of any one else today.  Love is all I have that can't be diminished or devalued by another human being.  For it is instilled in my spirit by a God that gives it in abundance.  I am proof of that.  I am a Miracle In Progress!"

John