The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm doing a lot better, staying calm, working out a Plan B that actually excites me a little and then tomorrow is AH's payday (not that he's been to work in over a week!) Payday is the worst. He gets two physical checks. Cashes one and hands it to me for bills/groceries/gas, everything except his lovely meth. That's what paycheck two goes to. Of course he lies, yells, cries that he only gets one check. I don't ask anymore, but God help me, the lying is driving me insane. I can barely feed us (AH and daughter), much less pay all the bills. I've been trying daily to get a new job-one that will support daughter and me, and go to every interview offered but HP hasn't offered me one yet. I've cleared up my credit, applied for financial aid to go back to school, etc, but I just can't stretch his little check and my p/t checks anymore. Then the stealing cash out of my wallet doesn't help. I know all the platitudes "it's the disease" and "that's what they 'have' to do to protect the addiction" but after a year I'm 'xxxx' mad and lost. Please pray I find a job ASAP (been months, but I'm still hopeful) and can physically detach soon. I want and deserve to live free of the constant lies. Thanks. #30
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 29th of March 2013 09:00:22 AM
Hugs, I fully understand where you are coming from, you are right it's not fair, it sucks, and why do they get the "excuse" it's a disease?! After all I know I have to face the real world and I have a disease as well. I hope what I have to share will help. Take what you like leave the rest. I always feel the most frustrated when I try to control a situation I'm completely powerless over. In the past 12 months since I filed for divorce my stbax has not paid 3 months of that time and I wondered up until last month week to week if he would pay. I have been angry, frustrated, scared, amazed that a father would and could turn the other way while not even asking how his kids were eating. How we were not evicted? I can go on from there that was the worst for me. When things got better was when I stopped trying to control what I am powerless over. I'm powerless over other people, places, and things. I'm also powerless over someone's addiction. What hepled me was alanon meetings. I also found out I wasn't powerless over me. It hasn't been easy. It's been a journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you!! Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sending you lots of positive vibes from Europe for the right job or opportunity to come your way soon. It is so frustrating and difficult to keep your energy open when there is so much to distract you isn't it? I agree with Pushka, when I've let go (it has felt like giving up at the time), it seems that change has come knocking on the door. It sounds to me as if you are doing a great job of keeping the focus on what you need so I hope that my wishes for you pick up lots of extra energy as they speed your way across the ocean.
Those "platitudes" are only meant to help you not take it personal....meaning its not cuz you are a bad wife or whatever. Sounds like you are over that and when it does boil down to it, the behaviors are unaccaptable to you. Period. It does makes sense and you don't have to have total compassion for someone and their disease when you are in the midst of disentangling yourself from their mess. Praying for you. I have faith it will work out for you. You sound like an energetic and dynamic person.
Unacceptable behaviors are so maddening when they are excused away as "I/he/she can't help it". Because if it were us, we could help it! But we are powerless over it all and it has nothing to do with us. It is all on them.
In the meantime, you take care of you. I hope you can find that job soon. You will make someone a great employee.
