The material presented
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level.
to be angry .. lol. Now the anger was exhausting, at least I could keep up the steel gates and walls and not have to deal with the hurt.
Ironically, STBAX moved out 15 months ago and I'm only NOW dealing with the hurt. Being angry afforded me not to face my pain initially and I had a lot of pain going into the initial break. I never dealt with the emotional stuff, honestly, I would have been a basketcase so this def happened the way it was suppose to. Then the back and forth, maybe we could be together, he'd go to counseling and so on and we just did a rinse and repeat of the initial break up. Although the first time he refused to go for counseling. This time it's different for me. This time I grieve, it's not anger. It still is overwhelming .. there is nothing like having an onslaught of emotions hit in the middle of a grocery store .. LOL. Handing someone money and going seriously .. I'm ok .. LOL .. I'm just leaking, I better lay off the water.
I've really come to the conclusion that this is sooo NOT about him. This is completely about my issues of rejection of more than not of the significant men in my life and it has just been continually reinforced, that is sooo on me. I continue to choose emotionally unavailable men. Well, my adad was not my choice so to speak he was just an ass when it came to his views of women. I took it from there and just kept picking men I thought if only they would validate me I'm ok. Obviously not conciously I do see it now, I have not been operating from an ok place.
It's sad that I've been rejected by a reject and take this exciting misery with me. He really has no power over me unless I give it to him. Which I have given it to him. There really are no victims, there are certainly volunteers and I DO fall into that catagory in this situation. I absolutely stood up and said sure I'll take this on because I'm stronger than the average bear and I can take the pain like no other. The pain is my drug of choice because I can mask my emotions.
This past week has been a huge struggle .. I see how not ok he really is still .. I know I know .. LOL .. DOH!! This time at least I see how unwell I still am and that whatever is going on .. it's really not about him .. this is little girl stuff for me and the initial things I bought into that now I get to change. It's not about blame either .. I'm a grown up now and now I have to soothe that little girl and nurture her. She doesn't need to be validated by a sick person who can't validate themselves. I have other tools to go to, such as a meeting tonight. I am very very very grateful for that fact too. We don't have a lot of meetings however I always find one when I need to which is wonderful! I know if I needed to .. I could crash an AA meeting, thankfully I have great support in that arena as well, benefits of a small town .. lol.
The stuff that is happening the conversations that have taken place .. I have just had an eye opening experience today of bizzaro behavior on his part. He's got the kids today, tomorrow and Saturday for 1/2 day. He's just going to do what he's going to do to say the least .. it's funny to watch in a not so ha ha way.
I'm so grateful to have this place to come to and know that if I'm feeling down or I'm struggling .. I'm so not alone in all of this confusing stuff. There is a light at the end of the tunnel .. I just have to keep doing the next right thing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
A "rinse and repeat". I like that! I agree with you about the anger. I can't even work up a good argument when he does something mean or stupid. I just realize how futile it all is. But with that anger gone, the sadness and depression is starting to creep in at times. I finally realize that he's not getting better and my marriage and family days are really gone. Glad we all have each other.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I'm sooo glad I went to the meeting tonight it was wonderful. That is me taking case of me and I like that. I could have stayed home. The kids are gone until Saturday. What would I have done?? Felt sorry for myself, been there ... done that and knowing I have a choice is true freedom. I learned something at the meeting that was the bonus. I def need the extra support right now. I'm trying to trust HP to show me the next right thing to do. It is way awesome to have each other!!! Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Glad you made it to a meeting tonight. I know that when I get in a dark place, going to a meeting or calling my sponsor or another Alanon member makes all the difference in the world. You have the tools, and you're using them. Kudos to you, dear Pushka!
I have learned that if I feel depression creeping in that the best thing I can do is to do something constructive. I keep a to do list and when I find myself sitting on the pity pot I pick it up and go to work whether I feel like it or not. It gives me back a sense of control over myself and takes my mind off of my unhealthy thoughts.
"Rejected by a reject"....ah....the EXACT same thing I said to my counselor earlier this week. I hear you sister! And I understand your feelings. We are not walking this path alone - so grateful for MIP and for F2F meetings - they are truly what has saved my life. I am finding that reinforcing my belief that my HP is putting me in a better place (despite the hardship) is what is getting me through this. (((Pushka)))
Pushka, I understand. I have started researching doing 'inner child' work and you often mention the little girl inside of you, maybe you could look that one up for yourself? Meetings truly are my saving grace, too, so glad you were able to go. I spent most of last week teetering on the verge of tears and now this week is the complete opposite, I swear I'm as crazy as he is, LOL! Hang in there, girl, better things lie ahead of you. Hugs!
Ok Pushka dear, I'm imagining you at the checkout counter - crying your eyes out and at the same time trying to laugh and joke about leaking, laying off the water - I can SOOOO imagine you doing just that! Your ability to phrase things just tickles me, rinse and repeat is sorta a cleaned up (ha, pun intended) version of 'same ___, different day', eh?
The thought from this post that strikes a cord with me is turning to someone ELSE to validate us. I am striving to get back to the person I was before imploding my life, get back to that person who didn't know how strong she was because she was able to stand on her own, no validation needed (unless it pays for my parking). I thought I needed a man to fit in with the social norms. I understand now that I needed this lesson to show me that not only am I able to stand on my own, I am complete on my own and no one needs to define or finish me; screw sociatal norms.
My life has been a journey to reclaim power taken from me in childhood. I like the comfort that the phrase "rejected by a reject" brings, but I also look at it this way: the other side of rejection is acceptance - my life is full of acceptance from those capable of being accepting.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
This is a great thread. Exactly how I feel too. I'm glad you could put it into words. I am so grateful to have been introduced to AlAnon and all the wonderful ways it has changed my life.
LOL .. I was thinking of something that I have said in the past in reference to being a shrinking violet and I figure I'm made out of sugar and steel, that's what I am feeling more and more. The steel that is hot and pliable, I can bend and reshape to what I need in my life. The sugar is just the fact I can still be soft and be ok with that, not overly sweet though .. lol.
I'm def more into being on my own and doing my own thing. It was nice to go to the movies, see what I wanted to see and I didn't have to ask anyone's permission to do so.
LOL .. no validation needed unless it's for parking I am soooo remembering that one!!! I spent the day outside cleaning up the yard and out my car .. I have a visitor living in my car .. UGH UGH UGH .. one of the nights I left my back door up for a while on the van one of the outdoor cats brought a gift into the van .. I just noticed that something wasn't quiet right today. Soooo .. I will sooo be dealing with that in a large level tonight. I had bags of clothes to give away needless to say that has been removed AND there is a dang bird in my shed that is probably dead now. I'm sooo NOT happy about that .. GAK!! I have NO idea how a bird got in there soooo that's not good. Living in the country is an adventure .. LOL!!!
Tonight I'm wanting to stay home which is nice .. last night I really needed out .. tonight though it's great that I want to stay home. I have a lot to do .. tomorrow is my son's birthday and Sunday is Easter AND then Wednesday is my daughter's birthday and then next Saturday she leaves for her trip. I'm just like WOW .. where did the time go this month already!!
Yes .. it's never dull and as long as the mice stay outside I don't care .. LOL!!! They aren't allowed in the van either!!!!
I've been doing inner child work and reading the book the Shame that Binds that has been really big for me. I never could name that emotion and it still eludes me I just know I don't feel good about certain situations, I'm just trying to figure out what that feeling is so I can name it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
