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Hi everyone..so glad to have found this community of support...I'm new to all of "THIS". I started dating this wonderful man whom I had known in my community in June 2012 not knowing he was alcoholic...and not knowing the least thing about alcoholism..I don't drink..never have, didn't grow up in/around it, never dated anyone who drank more than 2 beers. We had a 2 good months together and I think he was sober although at times he just didn't seem as sharp as usual and he passed it off to being tired. We don't live together and although he had recently lost his license, job and is going through a divorce....I gave him plenty of leeway since he is going through a "hard time". Things went from good to Hell in a couple of months..I've taken him to the hospital 5 times in 5 months for detox and pancreatits. He just got home on Monday from his 5th detox in 5 mos totaling 12th detoxes in 18 mos! This stay was a 12 day hospital detox(they kept him longer to make a smooth transition from hosptial to rehab) where he was in ICU knocking on death's door, followed by a 10 day rehab.
I can't believe it... I saw him walking into the liquor store this morning. I went back to the liquor store after he left and the clerk confirmed he had been in yesterday and today and bought his usual 100 proof Peppermint Schnapps. He wasn't home even 24 hours! I confronted him and he said he was "testing" himself by going into the liquor store..that he didn't buy anything...and that everything is going to be fine. And I should stop worrying He says he knows what is at stake, doesn't want to go back there, feels good and wants to stay sober. Really? Sounds good on paper...
I ended up very sick in Nov and on Prednisone because of the stress of all of this. I was naive and hadn't a CLUE what was happening...what being and "alcoholic" really means Now I've learned..quickly.
The train has left the platform and it will crash in the ER in about 9 days. Prior to this I've watched over him, brought him vitamins and made him drink Ensure till he is drinking about 3 pints/day and his blood pressure is sky high...then I suggest he go to the ER and he goes willingly. I've basically turned myself inside out over the past 6 mos and I'm damn tired of putting in overtime hours on this "project". His family is burned out and I'm the only supporter he has. I'm afraid if I bail out on him he will drink himself to death. Being a full-time Florence Nightingale, however, is not my life plan..but here I am. How did I get here? Why am I still here? Questions I ask myself often. I know he is a wonderful person and I knew him when he was sober. He said he was sober 18 years until 18 mos ago.
Any suggestions??...How do I sit back and be a neutral observer of his expected decline? Another question I have...is taking his car keys when he is drunk all day considered enabling? (drinking 3 pints/ day would likely make him intoxicated all day since he is injesting 48oz in 24hr of 100 proof alcohol, right?)I've taken the keys in the past just to keep Joe Q Public safe, but am I preventing the natural consequences of his drinking? He does drink and drive and has one OUI already for which he is on probation. I know I'd feel guilty if he killed someone and I knew he was driving drunk and I did nothing about it.
He says he is going to start intensive outpatient treatment..4hours/day x 5 days/week on Friday....How am I supposed to know if he is really doing that or lying?
Thanks for listening to my venting. So far everything I've gone through and done for him has been done under the radar of my family and friends. His family knows what is going on. I want to help him, but at an arm's length. it's a heavy load of worry I carry, and I'm very grateful for a place to visit where others understand and are so compassionate.
Thanks all. Any input/advice is greatly appreciated.
Aloha Hopeful and welcome to the board...you're qualified for MIP family membership and for the Al-Anon Family Groups which is world wide and who's sole purpose is to help the family, friends and associates of alcoholics. I read your post and I shudder anew...that is what I did...didn't know anything about alcoholism and tried to fix yet another alcoholic/addict woman "after" I married her. Al-Anon is a 12 step spiritual based recovery program of which the 12 steps have been directly adopted from AA. They start off...Step 1. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol...and that our lives had become unmanageable. Step 2. Came to believe that a power "GREATER THAN OURSELVES" could lead us to "SANITY". ...Your project sounds like an end stage alcoholic....alcoholism is a fatal disease and end stage means "near fatal". Is that a promise? It is if he keeps drinking of which you are powerless over and he doesn't arrest the disease with total abstinence. If he had 18 years of sobriety (I've seen it) and returned to drinking he didn't return to how and where he started drinking...he returned to where he left of and the disease has been waiting patiently for him to come back and do catch-up which sounds like what he is doing....catching up on each and every drink he didn't take for those 18 years. His body is toxic and trying to stay that way...if he doesn't drink he hurts and if he drinks he dies...that is the disease.
You had some idea that because of you he would or this would be fixed and he would be well and never return to drinking? I ask that because that was one of my first thoughts with my alcoholic/addict wife just before I thought I could teach her how to drink safely which was just before all the other total losses came into play. Alcoholism can never be cured...it can only be arrested by total abstinence...the alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. He's been sober and can get there again with the help of total willingness, AA and God (you're not included) he is currently insane...he will not be able to realize whatever want or need for his life outside of constant intoxication if he doesn't stop drinking and cry out for help...he is fatalizing...can't hardly live outside of medical emergency help. Miracles do happen and can for him and for you...for me mine began when I found the hotline phone number for Al-Anon in my area from within the white pages of my local telephone book. Call that number and find out when and where we get together in your area and get there as quickly as you can. Alcoholism doesn't only make crazy and kill the drinker.
Listen to Jerry. The hardest lesson for me to learn is that even though we have been married for 40+ years, I am not even a part of the equation of his being sober. I can only take care of myself and make myself happy. You have choices too.
He has put you in the role of nurse and you will never be out of it if you continue. I echo Jerry's statements. You are dealing with an alcoholic so far gone that he will lie to you outright about anything having to do with his drinking.
Out of curiousity...how does he live? Where does he get money for rent and booze? It's so sad to love an alcoholic. They make themselves seem so tragic (and it is a tragedy) but I'm sure his family reached their breaking point for a reason. Heck....you are seeing the reason first hand.
I guess the question I would really ask you is "What would you do if you knew nothing would change and that he will keep doing this and it will persist?"
That is a likely scenario so it is pertinent to ask yourself this.
Thanks, everyone, for all you input! Much appreciated. As the only person standing in his world, I am struggling with feeling guilty if I bail out. But maybe that's exactly what he needs...Your input has strengthened me.
Pinkchip...he has been on Unemployment assistance for the past year. That wil end soon.
You say you are the "only one standing in his world so would feel guilty for bailing", but I guess you need to ask yourself (same question we have all struggled with, in regard to our own A's) "is what I am currently doing helping him?"
The simple, unemotional answer to the above is NO, it is not helping him, and his daily choices are evidence of that fact.
I would encourage you to read up on alcoholism (i.e. "Getting Them Sober" volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews), and to choose & focus on YOUR recovery, not his (much easier said than done, as you can well imagine). In the end, he is the one who is going to determine his fate - and he is going to figure out whether he wants to live or die.... At the current time he is choosing to die, and he will drag those around him down with him.... He is sick, but he is also an adult, and he ultimately needs to figure this all out...
Take care
Tom
p.s. taking his car keys is NOT enabling him in any way whatsover.... it likely is keeping you enmeshed in his disease and/or trying to 'save' him, but NOT enabling.
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
... I saw him walking into the liquor store this morning. I went back to the liquor store after he left and the clerk confirmed he had been in yesterday and today and bought his usual 100 proof Peppermint Schnapps. He wasn't home even 24 hours! I confronted him and he said he was "testing" himself by going into the liquor store..that he didn't buy anything...and that everything is going to be fine. And I should stop worrying 
He says he knows what is at stake, doesn't want to go back there, feels good and wants to stay sober. Really? Sounds good on paper...
