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So I finally moved out with my son to a shelter because he just kept getting more insane. After two days of his frantic calling to my cell phone it appears the message finally sunk in: you need to work on your issues, call a therapist, not me. I can't fix it. He made an appointment. This is Heruculean for him, the man who says he's the healthy one, it's everyone else that is to blame. Now I find myself wondering? I've got just 30 days here and then I have to return home or find other housing. Are his issues going to be resolved in that time? I don't think so. Maybe enough to make it safe at home? Don't know. What is my post 30 day plan? No idea. I know I know. Give it time. My poor kid wants to sleep in his own bed. I so want to make him happy most of all. Sometimes it takes short term pain for long term gain. Any thoughts? thank you so much for all your support
I am so glad you took action to keep yourself and your son safe. That is real determination!
Of course your son wants to be in his bed again, but you know more than he does about the things that are necessary for both of you to stay safe. Kids only understand very concrete things on the conscious level. On another level, the peacefulness of not being around the chaos will also have an effect, just probably not one he can express in so many words.
It's good that your H is making moves towards getting help, and it sounds good to me also that you know not to expect that all his problems can be solved in 30 days. In truth, addictions, violence, emotional imbalance all take long and hard work to change -- and even more so if (as very often happens) they are combined. Even with the best determination in the world, the person trying to change his ways will be off kilter for a long time, with big mood swings -- volatile. That's not even mentioning the risk of relapses.
In my experience, also, the person will talk big about "Everything's changed now" and "No more problems" and "I'm taking care of it, so what's your deal? Why are you holding out?" Of course a relationship that's dealt with this stuff can't heal overnight, and especially can't heal until you've seen that he's really changed for the long term. It's a sign of continued immaturity to be so impatient for the other person to forgive and forget. The sign of really acknowledging the depth of the situation is not insisting that everything's hunky-dory and forgotten now.
I don't know what your legal situation is or whether you have rights to the house, or whether it would be safe to kick him out of the house and move back in even if you do have legal rights to it. If moving back in (without him being there) is not a realistic option, I would suggest that finding other housing is an important step for the future. If you were to move back in with him, you would want to do it because you are sure, based on his behavior that you've observed over the long term, that he is stable and in recovery and not a threat to you or your son. You shouldn't have to put you and your son at risk just because housing is scarce. You need as many options as you can get to keep on taking care of yourself.
Again I am so glad you have taken these actions to protect yourself. I look forward to other's ESH.
I think you made an excellent decision. First things first and safety is first. I too left my home with everything in it. But if you have rights to the house maybe that's something to think about. For now, try and enjoy the peace of mind. His actions and behavior led you to make this decision. Try to fight all the negative emotions like guilt, sympathy for your h etc these kept me there for way too many years. Alanon f2f will really help at this time. Take care.x
The white pages of your local telephone book has the hotline number for Al-Anon and maybe the safe house you're in has it. I am very sure that you are not the first one there who came out of an alcoholism related trauma. Ask them. Good move on yur part. (((hugs)))
Oh my goodness, you may have no idea how courageous you are. You are a precious role model for your son and so many other people you haven't even met yet. If you can, find a good counselor and begin pouring out your guts to purge yourself of all of the feelings you have shoved down...your are safe now, you can do some releasing and planning. It helped me at one point (prior to telling my husband he had to move out) to write out behaviors I would not tolerate in my him and when I began to waiver or fall under his spells (I refused to talk with him so I would not become victim to his manipulations) I would pull my list out of my purse to read. Stay with us here and, along with your HP, we will help hold you up
That was an amazing thing you did getting out of that environment. It will help to keep practicing detachment in the form of asking yourself when you might get your own place...what you will do to be self sufficient. Try not to have outcomes contingent upon him. That is putting your whole life on hold for him. What can you do to move forward anyway? You are powerless over him getting his crap together so you might as well get your ducks in a row right?
Making an appointment with a therapist is good but for him to really really change, it could take months/years and a rigid program of recovery and daily meetings. He is an alcoholic/addict and he will never presto/chango into something else. To get sober and stay sober will take a very big commitment - not just going to therapy. AA was created when no therapy or mental hospitals could treat alcoholism and addiction so keep that in mind.
My only point in saying this was that you just did something so brave and that took such faith....I wouldn't want you to be rash in going back to something/someone that isn't well. You and your child don't deserve that and honestly, he needs the space to recover if he's going to.
I can tell you - 30 days is nowhere near long enough to build a program of sobriety....even if he went to AA and stayed sober that whole 30 days. If your desire and expectation is to be with a sober person with solid recovery, I would make alternate plans and sit back for up to a year while he works himself out.
Sounds confusing and frightening, but you've done the hardest part already. Keep going to alanon meetings if you can and praying. Your whole world is not about him and about you guys living together. Furthermore, I work with foster kids day in and day out and more of them get removed from their moms staying with scary abusive addicts than because their moms are in shelters or struggling to get on their feet (none of them get removed for the latter). I wish all the bio-moms did what you just did.
I am still uneasy about moving back in our house: he says he is going to a hotel tomorrow night because he can't find accommodation right away. It's the first of the month tomorrow, so I saw lots available on craigslist.. I spent all weekend back and forth on email, even sent him rental listings in the area. He demanded I give him the car so he could apt. hunt and I said no nicely (it's jointly owned and I need it to get my son back and forth to school, the shelter is not near the bus stop, also I may have to drive back east to family if he doesn't move before I have to be out of the shelter). I told him to rent a car for the weekend to look, or bike over (he's a distance cyclist and everything in our neighborhood is just a few km away).
So if he goes to a hotel, I can move back in, change locks, alarm codes etc., but at some point he'll move from the hotel to an apt and need back in to pack, or I guess I'm the person that would be packing for him and I could hire someone to cart it to him? I guess that's the catch huh? It's all on my shoulders. I'm beginning to think rather than managing the house and the huge garden and all the work and him playing the wounded one, I might be better just to rent myself and son a nice condo and really relax by just getting a lawyer to handle going to court for support and ordering the sale of our house so I can have that nestegg back. I'm beginning to think it might be just easier to do that. I looked up how much support I would receive ballpark and I thought to myself I can live on that and get by nicely and retrain and get a job. By saying move out and attend therapy and we will look at reconciliation once we've had a chance get help, maybe I'm just prolonging the agony.
So he moves to a hotel, and maybe gets an apt. down the road, Is that it, is that the end of the stress, or since we only have agreement on email he could just break in even if I change the locks because both our names are on title?
I guess I would then be back in the same boat, call the police, get a lawyer and so on. He's cooperating but it's not real cooperation, it's name calling and drama about not having transport and going around like a homeless person with his sleeping bag and laptop. At one point he admitted he was staying home from work because he was convinced that if he left I would change the locks and then he'd be on the street and "destitute". But the thing is he's working, earning six figures, so how does locked out of his house make him "destitute". It's ludicrous.
He is no longer speaking to me on the phone, only emailing, am I being set up here.?Is he delaying and delaying when he is actually lining up a lawyer and manouvering. Am I about to be blindsided because I didn't get a lawyer or call the police when the threat occurred. On the email I reminded him why this is happening and he is categorically denying it. It didn't happen. I feel like I'm going crazy. How can we even start with therapy when we don't start with that truth?
How does agreeing to live separately from his wife and child while he attends therapy sessions mean that I'm evicting him which he also says. I'm not evicting him, I'm giving him the opportunity to do right be his son.. We are coming to an agreement, without draining our resources by hiring lawyers and fighting. We are doing this with a view to reconciliation down the road. Isn't this a good thing, why I am the bad guy with my child and him when he was the one who threatened to hurt me. Why Why why can't I sleep at night if I am doing the right thing?
