The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We come home from vacation to find our AD got fired from her job a few weeks ago and has been hiding that fact from us. My husband was not in the room when she confided this to me, and she just curled up in a ball and kept crying and crying, saying that is not the worst part . I know better than this after almost 3 yrs in alanon, but I tried to get it out of her what else was going on. She spouted all the buzz words, " I hit my absolute bottom, I need Gods help, I cant do this anymore, I need to go to rehab, I really need treatment, I just want to kill myself, I am better off dead. I said fine, we will talk about a place in the morning. Later as we went up to bed, my husband guessed what was going on and I told him I knewabout one hour before he didas I wanted him to get a good nights sleep after 10 hours driving on the road. In the morning we called her down to talk about where she wanted to go for rehab. I was checking my email and she tossed me her medical card and said the mental health info number is on the back. Call them and tell them I need an outpatient facility as I want to find another job with the midnight to eight hours. I gave her back her card and said no way am I going to call, you are 32 and you are the alcoholic. You need to make the call.Well, she lost it. Thanks for all the 'xxxx' concern last night. Ive had it, I am out of here. And with that, she went upstairs and packed up a few things for herself and our grandson (in a trash bag, of course). He came over to me and gave me a kiss and a hug and said I guess we are leaving. My heart is breaking for him as you could see in his eyes he was crying earlier. He was looking out the window and saw other kids playing in the snow.
I know she is sick, its a disease, trust me, I get that. Its just such a waste of a life and who knows how much all this drama is affecting our grandson.When he gets mad at her he calls her a drunk. He is 8. I am so, so very sick of living with this and her situation. Yes, I brought her back into our home with some very lofty expectations. The controlling part of me was still in high gear when we offered her a chance to move back home. I know that now, I was still in denial. I came to the rescue again. Yes, I have been taking care of myself. I go to the gym, walk the dog, read (not just Alanon lit), do stained glass and recently started taking violin lessons. I try to keep the focus on myself and my husband, but it is so draining.
Was I right in turning this over to her? It's not my insurance. And if I did, trust me, she will complain and complain that the place is run by idiots and it's all my fault for picking it out. I tried to place a call for my sister (my other qualifier) in a rehab facility once and was told in no uncertain terms to get the hell off the phone and let her call. I was told I was not the alcoholic and I was wasting their time talking to me. I get that. I was only trying to help Know I know better.
I am sure she will be back before this weekend. Thanks for letting me rant and vent.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 28th of March 2013 07:41:31 PM
In my opinion, you did the right thing. When my A son was in detox, I had a meeting with him and a patient coordinator and told him that his dad & I were uncomfortable about letting him come back home and the only way we'd consider it was that he showed a true desire to get help. He committed to that and since released he has been going to meetings every day and I did not lift on finger to help him - he had to find the meetings and get there on his own. 1st thing he did when he got home from detox was to clean the empty bottles out of his room then he got his truck licensed & insured -- with his own money.
When I decided to get clean & sober, I walked myself into a rehab center ... called my husband later that day and told him where I was and that I wouldn't be seeing him for 30 days. My desire for a better life was strong enough that I didn't need anyone to do the foot work for me....taking that 1st step on my own was the 1st step on my path to recovery.
You absoutely did the right thing. She need to make the arrangements for her recovery. Your heart is breaking...life does suck sometimes and I am sorry. It sounds like you are doing so many good things to nourish you; keep it up one day at a time. We are here for you. hugs
I hear your fear for your grandson. Let him know that he is ALWAYS welcome in your home whenever he can make it there. And if she goes to a rehab I doubt they will welcome her son to live there.
Your description of your grandson brought tears to my eyes. Dealing with this disease as an adult is hard - I can't imagine what it must be like for an 8 year old. Thank goodness he has you and your husband as stable people in his life. Praying for all of you.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Thanks to all for your replys. Yes, the biggest reason I offered to her to come home was our grandson. He has not had a stable home environment since he was born and his problems are manifesting in school. Bad grades, bad attitude and absolutely no friends. But I realize he is not my responsibility and I just dont have the energy to bring up another child. We are just so, so sick of her lies. She has nothing, nothing to show for her life. Absolutely unable to tell the truth about anything. Grandson called and said he missed us and she will be here tomorrow to pick up her mail. oh joy.
It's so hard isn't it Eileen. I look at my educated son and see the lack of desire and will to even try and pick up the pieces and get his life back. I guess I'm lucky there is not a child involved but I understand not wanting to raise another.
All you can do is love them, except and detach. If I don't keep up on my learning through Al-anon...I fall. Practice, practice practice.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Know I know better.