The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=1271>.
Separating from Family Issues
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
>>>>rosie....i have had to do a LOT of separating/ detaching from my bio families issues......lately LOTS of loving detachment...maybe i am being "hit up' with this need to detach becuz my hp wants me to focus on this deep step 4 stuff i am doing.........
>>>>rosie...oh i have alkies AND druggies in my family...also ones who are in need and i am in need right now so mutually having to detach from one another cuz i need me for me.....my sister needs her for her....so we agreed to separate from our respective issues.....
>>>>rosie>>>my whole family is dysfunctional...we ALL are either acoa, or coda, or alkies, druggies.....i am the ONLY one in recovery and that makes me sad, but i am powerless over it...i must do what i have to do for me.....sometimes i have to REALLY detach.....i have a brother who hates me becuz i did not want our father's name on me....he resents me becuz i went to court and told a judge that i could no longer bear signing my last name to anything becuz it reminded me of my rapist......my older brother if he had his wishes, he would ask that i "suffer in silence and than die from it" i nearly did!! but i said "NO!!! i am comming out...i am confronting this...and i am going into recovery...so i DONT die" his live in girlfriend told me "oh you need a stiff upper lip now" and i said with firmness "NO!! that stiff upper lip damned near killed me...i deserve to live and live abundently and in peace...so i am confronting this and i am changing my name....END of conversation".....she shut up and never bothered me again about it.......
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.Today, I will separate myself from family members, l am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
>>>>rosie>>>i don't have a SHRED of guilt about getting into recovery and learning how to take care of me.....i DESERVE any good i can manage to attract my way....as long as i am NOT harming another living creature...i have the RIGHT to find whatever happiness i can......the detractors will have to "get over it"....my train is barelling down the tracks and the brakes are OFF...........i am taking care of ME!!!!! family memebers can bitch and moan, but i am taking care of me.....i am standing up for me....bollocks to the wall, i am going to face this....i am going to overcome this...WITH their help or not........
>>>>rosie>>the supportive ones, are cheering me on....i am grateful.....anyone who tries to derail or detract from my recovery i detached from....separated me from them...how long??? its up to them and their treatment of me....my brother, i just flat don't like...so i don't want anything to do with him....i don't like the guy.....it happens.....i didn't pick him, i got stuck with him for a while...now i am UNstuck with him.....i am not judging him, just removing myself from his verbal abuse and condescending treatment...he can keep making his bad karma, with his beer and his hate, and i will recover.......i am FREE now to take care of me...i am NOT the helpless little victim who had NO say over her own BODY, much less her mind-emotions adn soul.....that is OVER......and i did....i handed their crap right back at them..the ones who try to push their negative energy back on me.....i send it BACK to its source, as i take care of me.....
Great meditation from today's, January 4, "The Language of Letting Go." Someone called me about this one the other day. I like your "I need me for me."
And I also like where Melodie Beattie says " We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us because they are family."
" We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them where it belongs--and deal with our own issues."
I think this applies whether we are ACOA, parents of alcoholics or addicts, siblings of alcoholics or addicts, children of alcoholics or addicts or partners of alcoholics or addicts.
I grew up in a family where it was non stop chaos, guilt and shame so focusing on myself well that seems incredibly hard to do. I think I also learned that the way to relate to get a few scraps is to do for others. And I did for others until it nearly killed me.
I did for others until I ended up in the hospital because I could not say Oh I need to go to the doctors I need to take care of my health, everyone else was more important.
So I got to the ultimate boundary say no or die that was about it and I've been struggling with that ever since. My boyfriend has an incredible knack of making it all about HIM day and night or his friends. Needless to say his friends have no concept anyone else in the world exists. After all the sun moon and stars revolve around them don't they. And I have the temerity to say hey slavery ended years ago they blame, shame and game very very well. Getting out of the game is hard because I had to get incredibly angry before I had boundaires. Angry at everyone who took advantage of me, angry at the way I treated myself and angry that I had no one to take care of me ever. Certainly the A never did it I wasn't important enough. The only thing that was important to him was drinking and using and oh feeling sorry for himself and thinking up ways to manipulate me (if only he put his creativity elsewhere). I think its incredible hard for me to put "me" into the equation when it comes to dealing with anyone else. I have such fear for my life since I grew up with it on the edge all the time. So I learned to settle, settle and settle a bit more until that nearly killed me too.
I sure do understand the kind of pain, you went through. I too, put in the hosp, by the stress, pressure and trying to be peacemaker. I ended up with the classic nervous breakdown, and in the hosp. surrounded by druggies, As and suicidal people. Hmmm..sounds just like home sweet home. What I learned from a wk in the hosp. is , don't tell anyone your feelings. keep it in, keep it in...funny..I thought we were suppose to let it out...survival skills got me out of there..and I feel alone in this journey. Its been a difficult one but I'm worth it, even if no one else thinks so. How did I get this far, I have no idea. My husband and kids have no idea of the hellish life I once had. My husband has met myA father. and thinks he is the craziest person hes ever met on the face of the earth. And now in his old age..he is toned down. Amazing isnt it. Yes, it is important to focus on you. but I have the tenancy to become a wall flower..thats how I survived childhood, not getting attention, hiding, staying out of the way..how all of a sudden , does one say..Hey...its ok for me to be the center. So used to avoiding, its so hard to live for the day. I don't even think I deserve anything at all, just for being born to such a person. Like its my fault somehow, yet I know it isnt. I have to make myself worth it. and worth while...and what a struggle..ty for letting me vent
