The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids, finally came to my senses that my husband is a bona fide alcoholic. I really believed he wasn't drinking when he said he wasn't (or was only drinking in moderation, when he was trying that), until I'd find him passed out every 6-8 months or so from drinking alone when he thought I wouldn't find out. A month and a half ago I realized he'd been lying for past 18 months about quitting drinking entirely (I'm so sad I really believed him) staged professional intervention and he very reluctantly and angrily went to rehab. Sadly, I had to realize there was so much more lying than I ever imagined, even though our marriage was already consistently rocky due to his denial and defensiveness about every little thing in day to day life. But i was so committed to the idea of marriage, and wouldn't have brought 2 kids (now ages 6 and 8) into the picture with this man if I hadn't believed that you stick through thick and thin and make it work. But never counted on alcoholism, and when I finally woke up and realized that's what I'm dealing with, I've been feeling sick about what I should do next. I already know he is not taking to rehab as I hoped. He is still defensive and not taking full responsbility, so his recovery feels very superficial to me. I made clear my boundary was that I didn't feel safe in any relationship with him unless he was taking the highest advice from experts on recovery, yet after 28 days he said he was leaving with support of many on the staff, despite the fact that the head of facility talked to me for 45 min saying everyone recommended he stay. Turned out he is now only staying for a 2nd month b/c I said I would be moving ahead with legal separation based on the inconsistency between what he told me and what director of rehab told me. I haven't done that yet, and found out it's expensive and really only the step you take leading up to divorce, but what really struck me was when lawyer said it was clear I wasn't ready for that yet, but asked me - "are you still in love with him?" and I realized I really don't feel any love for him. I'm so scared about that realization. Do I not love him because I'm scared to get hurt more? Is it because too much damage has been done for too long? We've grown apart? I'm heartbroken about raising kids in divorced family, never wanted this, never, ever wanted this. So incredibly sad, and despite attending al anon meetings, I know I have so much more healing to do to be able to accept this new heartbreaking reality. I hate this burden on me to come to grips with this very hard reality. I'm just in so much pain. These nights after the kids are in bed are the worst. Weeknights. Weekends. They are all the same now. Cleaning the house. eating some junk food, looking at my computer. feeling so alone. I just never imagined this for any of us.
In alanon they say you should wait at least 6 months in to your own recovery before making any major life change decisions. I think that this is wise as by that time you should be able to think more clearly.
I have been where you are at in regards to believing you should stick with your spouse through good times and bad. I am still with my AW. I first realized she was alcoholic about 13 years ago and it has been a struggle to say the least. It continues to be a struggle. With alanon I am learning to Love with detachment. I have taken ownership of my own happiness. It can be done. Take it one day at a time and keep coming back and posting.
Aloha 5thof5 and welcome to the board. I hope you stick around and listen for the suggestions and focus on the feedback with an open mind and since this seems like I new angle for you maybe you can put of the major decision one day at a time for at lease two years. 2 years is what I was first taught when in got into the Al-Anon Family Groups way back when. Alcoholism is a Family Disease...it affects everyone and thing it touches so all are affect. The last word of the 2nd step in both programs is SANITY. This is a disease...AMA defined. It is not a moral issue...one of good or bad. Yes I know that the alcoholic will do absolutely terrible things while under the influence (which is with or without the chemical) and that is because they are chemically altered...mind, body, spirit and emotions.
I leared in my recovery that Love isn't so much something I do. It is something I am...part of my chracter...done unconditionally just like I like to have it for me.
Good to have you here...keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Hello 5thofFive, I can also remember a time when I thought that I was right to believe AH - he is an adult and he deserved the benefit of doubt, especially from his wife. I am still pleased that I gave him that trust, despite the fact that he broke it. The fact that he was lying to me was his responsibility and it is hardly surprising that my view of him has now changed as a result of that. It was a huge shock to me to realise that my emotions were changing. It is only natural though. I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time, but I would like to say that in reading your post it seems to me that you have behaved with great honesty and strength. Thank you for your post, it has helped me to reflect on my own similar circumstances and I do hope that you will not feel so lonely knowing that we are here and understand as well. Be gentle with yourself my dear.
Dear 5th-I too have been where you are. My husband went to rehab to save a job (I was second fiddle to the job, and lucky to be in the band) Advice that I live by and freely hand out to all is just do today. Breathe...you don't have to make any decisions or make a move if, and until you feel 100% confident in where you are and where you want to be.
The problem, as I see it, is when the A gets out of rehab we all expect things to be better, to get back to "normal"-whatever THAT is. It takes so long for the alcoholic brain to recover (if, indeed it ever does) and I found that the person that remained was niether the man I had loved, nor was he someone that I could love or imagine a life with.
Listen to yourself....hang in there..You are not alone..many have walked the path before you...
PS he lost the job because he got drugged tested, too guess what? Pot, too! Lost job, lost marriage...
I think we have to differentiate between wanting a stable family that includes mom and dad.......and reality. Is there really a "dad" there for the children when he is insensible, aloof, disoriented, irritable, mean, inconsiderate, or abusive (whatever he becomes when drunk)? How does it benefit your or the children if his priority is alcohol (and hiding his use of it)? Is it love you feel for him or is the wish for a loving, fulfilling relationship with a caring, considerate man? I am not suggesting you do anything quickly. But maybe take some time to give thought to what really is, and what is not in your home/family/marriage. If you feel lonely, what about reaching out to some other people (I don't mean dating) or getting involved in church or organizational activities? Having another focus (away from the bad feelings you are having about your marriage and AH) will lift your spirits. What about volunteering at your children's school or at a non-profit organization? Here's a saying I like to remember: If you keep doing what you've been doing You will keep getting what you got.
