The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you can get to in person Alanon meetings it may help you find some serenity especially now that this change is taking place in your relationship. I found working the steps and a good sponsor really makes a difference in keeping me peaceful.
No one can predict the future but as Alanons we've lived with so much drama and fallout that sometimes it's hard for us to believe that good things can happen. All we can do is try to stay present in the one day we are living and ask our higher power to guide our thoughts, words and actions.
We can trust the recovery process or drive ourselves crazy with projections. Newly sober people need time to get physically healthy first. It can take time for the mental fog to clear. There can be trouble with staying focused, with concentration and it can cause irritability, fear of emotions that were numbed while drinking and worry about disappointing the same people they disappointed when they drank.
We family members want to get right to the happy times because we've been lonely for that person and waited so long but it really calls for a lot of patience and acceptance of what is. I think we learn where we're being led through time and experience together. We can accept today as the gift it is and return our focus to our own program and accept others where they are. Don't give up hope. It really can get better with time. Thanks for sharing. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 25th of March 2013 08:12:39 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
From what I've read, when an alcoholic is recovering they become a new person. They reconstruct themselves as they are without the alcohol. I'm 99% sure my AH has been sober for about 4 weeks. Still working on myself and getting off the crazy-train/roller coaster. The thing I'm really struggling with is that 1% when I'm not sure if he's been drinking or not. I don't want to give him affection when he's been drinking, seems like he's getting positive renforcement. But I can't tell. Which makes me want to check and go all over the place looking for the alcohol. Which makes me crazy.
What if he is sober and now, as he's becoming himself or himself without alcohol, I don't like who he is? What if we've done all of this work and it ends anyway because I don't love recovered him? He would have done exactly as I asked and it's not enough. What's the point?
Sometimes it's really great, and other times I'm resentful and paranoid and just want it to be over. It's childish as hell, but I just want the good times we have.
I don't know if the answers are anywhere but between myself and him, but I do know the support is here. I think I almost want to catch him in the act because that would explain why I'm reserved towards him, why I'm suspicious and paranoid and don't want to hand my heart back over to him. Despite the fact that he's done all I've asked. It doesn't make any sense to me. I should be happy he's doing so well. Not annoyed because he fell asleep in his chair and I'm going crazy thinking he's passed out from alcohol I can't find.
I too get nervous with my husband when he is the slightest bit off. For me I get nervous and think here we go again. I need to back away and give him the benefit of the doubt.
I've learned that it takes an entire year for an A to get the physical effects literally out of their system. The emotional toll is another story as it's also true that the A stops emotionally developing from the age they began to drink. So you may be dealing with a 30 yr old man who behaves as maturally as a 15 yr old boy.
Rather then concentrating on what you will give him or not do as a response to his progress or not, I've heard we are better off to cope with our own issues. Living with an A can cause us to do insane things, sneaking around checking on them, their car, their phones, finding hiding places and the such.
Take care of YOU first, like it's said when we are flying and the plane is going down....put your oxygen mask on first before you try to help others. Learn what healthy boundaries are for you and how you can maintain your sanity. Get off the crazy making rollercoaster.
I think that my AH and I are both having to learn new ways of behaving. I have noticed that as my emotions return there is a fair amount of anger and resentment in me. It is confusing to have these feelings surface at a time when things are, in theory, getting better but I guess that I will have quite a lot of diverse emotions to contend with for a while. I try my best to stay honest to myself. I have told my husband that I am nervous, that I will probably need a fair amount of TLC to fall in love again and I have left it at that. For the moment he is the focus of his attention and I am trying my best to not think about him and to concentrate on myself for a while.
When I am looking for proof that AH is drinking it is partly because I want to drop my guard and I am scared of getting hurt again, so then my distrust surfaces. I need to have faith in us again and it is not easy. Isn't it odd that when he was drinking and messing around I hung on to us and believed so easily, and now I am letting go and being quite the cynic. I guess when the boat rocks it takes a while for the waves to calm down. I jut try to remember that I don't have to react.
PS I try not to expect AH's emotions to become reasonable overnight - I think that he has an awful lot to contend with and it will take a while.
It is confusing to have these feelings surface at a time when things are, in theory, getting better... ^This.
Thanks for the input and responses. Living with an AH just gets you out of the habit of looking after yourself and your emotions. You're not used to not having to walk on eggshells all the time, or rebuffing their unacceptable behavior. Or hell, even asking for things you want out of the relationship. Once you reach this point it all comes bubbling up to the surface and it feels wrong because you've been doing everything differently for so long.
I can't make him happy. He has to do that. I can't give him friends, or make him go out and do fun things. It's his responsibility. I cannot shut down my needs/wants because they make him unhappy. It's his problem if he can't deal.
And, if we can't make it work because of these things, well...I guess that's my problem as well. But not a hurdle for today, or even tomorrow.
Thanks for this post -- my AH is in treatment right now (inpatient). I'm scheduled to attend family therapy with him next week and am anxious about all you have posted. I'm very scared of what our relationship will be like when he returns....
I'll keep checking in with this board -- seems like a helpful place! Thanks for your post....
