The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mothering instinct is strong. I've built a life away from my ex and I so want my kids to be here enjoying the fruits of my labour. I've worked really hard and against the odds at times to have a good career, wages not that good, and I now have a reasonable lifestyle. Small luxuries like a full fridge, internet, cable, warm, comfortable flat. I want to share my life with my three kids but it's not possible. My relationship with my son is dysfunctional. We fall into a pattern much like the roles in the roundabout play. I wonder if he has learned this from his dad and I over the years. I have overcomponsated because I knew our family wasn't right. Is he just a spoilt brat with little coping skills or has having an a father and sick mother left him damaged with his own a issues?
Children do not come with an instructions manual. We are all human and do the best we can with the tools we have been provided. You wanted the best for your children and did what you thought was right to provide them with the love, understanding, skills to live and enjoy life.
The Environment , nourisher we receive, our DNA Nature and the unknown ,HP's path , each play an important role in how our children develop and what tools they choose to use in life.
We all make mistakes. Once we grow up it is our job to grow, seek the help we need and educate ourselves in the skills we need to live life.
You are an excellent Mom, You loved your children and that is more than enough
I noticed you didn't mention your sons age. In my experience children stretch and grow and expand their independance by sometimes pulling away from their parents. That's natural and not always unhealthy, it's merely the child trying to become an adult.
What we as parents can do is continue to seek our own peace and serenity in life and be true to ourselves in what boundaries we intend to set and expect when they enter our lives. I would hesitate to label my child regarding who they most take after. Continue to have hope that while you are being your best they will seek that calm that you project in your life.
I continue to have weekly family dinners on Sunday nights, both sons out of house and they and their family members are invited and welcome to join us. They know certain behaviors are accepted or not accepted in my home. I remain true to my beliefs, they have free will to become the person they elect to be. Either way, they are my sons ...I love them...they know they are welcome in my life and Mom has boundaries.
Thank you for responding, I'm in the midst of feeling a bit sorry for myself. I will use my program to pull myself up though. Peggy, my son is almost 20 and I would love his behaviour to be normal pulling away. It has never been or stayed in the normal range for long. My son is a problem drinker, ie he can disappear for days, if he has money he's drunk, he comes home bruised and battered regularly, he can be aggressive and violent. He has moved out at my request and really wants to return but I have said no. This is sad because of course I want him home but we are not a good combination right now. Sunday dinners and family get togethers are a long way off right now. I want time to recover away from him.
It's so hard not to just grab them up and try and take over and care for them. But.....it won't work will it. We have been there done that expecting different results.
I got the call last night from my son. Will have to post what happen.
Take care of you my friend.....you and your son are in my prayers
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
