The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working hard to concentrate on me, put the focus on my own recovery, but like so many of us have found myself dragged back into the madness (only at my A's convenience of course!). The summary: After a couple of tumultous years with my marriage on the brink, I came to alanon and have been considering my life w my A, not with anger and resentment but with love. Now since the beginning of Feb my A has told me 5-6 times that he wants to/needs to stop drinking. I only say 'there is help available to you' and 'I love you' and the merry go round ride goes on and on.
I guess I am here saying to all of you who have been through this before that I do not know if I have the strength to live with this. I spent last weekend listening and being supportive about his sobriety talk and again this morning he comes home at 5 am, having decided he was 'okay to drive' after all (I first received a text at 3:45am that he may just crash at his buddys house; I didn't answer the text--maybe his driving home was my punishment? and cue the crazy thinking on my part.....) When he got home, I just said I don't know what to say...I had to leave our room because I felt (and feel) that olf anger and bitterness welling inside me
I am praying hard, reading, going to meetings and reaching out. I am sad today but I don't think I can be sitting here telling this same story in another 5, 10, 20 yrs.
I am 44 and I feel 144 today
as always-I am so grateful for these boards and all of you
I'm so sorry this is happening. Although we get better for ourselves, not to try to change our A's, I think when we do get better, one of two things happens. One possibility is that the A senses that things are shifting, and that there is a better way, and that if he doesn't try it himself he will be losing many good things. And he actually makes a turnaround and goes into recovery. This is certainly not guaranteed but it is not unknown.
The other possibility -- which is more common, sorry to say -- is that when we've gotten our own recovery going, we know that we've done everything we can do to change the A's environment and maximize the chances that he'll choose recovery. We can't ever say to ourselves, "If only I'd stuck with him longer and let him see my recovery, what would have happened?" In this case we know what would have happened. We know he is too deep in his disease for our recovery to have any side effects that lead him to recovery. So we don't ever need to second-guess ourselves. It's not the answer we hoped for, but it's clarity. It sounds as if you have that clarity now.
thank you Mattie...yes, I get the feeling my A is noticing a shifting tide (in his words a few weeks ago, 'you are getting all this help online and at meetings--it's unnerving!'). He is also reeling because a very close friend of his got into the AA program about 2 1/2 mos ago and has been sober since; tough for my AH to have that A removed from the roster, this was a person that my H could look at and say 'well, at least I'm not THAT bad'. He doesn't know what to say now except be angry and resistant to the idea that his buddy is getting help in this way.
I am trying to keep in mind some of the wisdom I have heard here: 'the A cannot love wholeheartedly because of the bottle'; QTIP, 'Just for today'.
I'm going to try with all my might to put the focus on me and my kids only today....thank you again for your reply, needing that support bigtime today!
Hugs Yank, Sending much love and support. Keep coming back! Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When we become healthier, we see more clearly the unhealthiness of others...not always in a judgmental way (sometimes, but not always). Your projection into the future is what I did and it was then that I decided enough. Because of my recovery work, I had more love for my life and my desire to live, not survive, became my greatest desire. I knew that living with addictions was survival, at best. I very clearly and strongly stated, enough, and I jumped into a life of complete unknown and I was ready. It has turned out superbly, warts and all! Keep coming back...a great big hug ... and you have had some great insights!
). Your projection into the future is what I did and it was then that I decided enough. Because of my recovery work, I had more love for my life and my desire to live, not survive, became my greatest desire. I knew that living with addictions was survival, at best. I very clearly and strongly stated, enough, and I jumped into a life of complete unknown and I was ready. It has turned out superbly, warts and all! Keep coming back...a great big hug ... and you have had some great insights!
