The material presented
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level.
So when I started this journey to make myself better, I had no idea it would make things so much harder. I thought I would change and he would just magically change . . . I thought it would shift the balance and if I was saner, he would be saner. Not yet.
So I'm listening to people say: look after yourself, make yourself happy first so that's what I'm trying. He works late Friday and my son and I get invited to a hockey game (not the big leagues, community hockey) and so we go! I leave him a text, gone to the game (it's walking distance from our house so he could go if he chose). But at the game all I can think of is he's going to be MAD! OMG what will happen when we get home. He's gonna be MAD. So we get home and tread carefully in and he speaks civilly and it's ok. He is mad, he didn't get the text (it was there but he doesn't know how to use his smart phone, refuses to take the free course, but that's another story), and he does ignore his son (won't shut off the tv to talk to him, won't say goodnight) but it's not so bad. I'm ok, I'm living with it, it's normal enough.
But the next day, he is miserable, miserable, won't speak to anyone, just staring at his computer screen, so off we go to the community centre for drop-in badminton, and it's great, and then we come home and he's miserable, so off we go out for lunch, and we come home and we get invited to a game again, my son's hockey buddies are going, and so I say yes, because my boy wants to go. I say to my son, go ask your Dad if he wants to go, and my son returns and says Dad says he'll only go if it's just us going. I think about the arena and all the people going and there's no way it can be just us. It's the playoffs, the arena will be packed. And our friends have already got their tickets. So I had been debating going or staying home. I don't feel so hot. But then I think, yes I'm going too, it will be great. And I make us some hotdogs and my son and I leave at 6:30 and away we go. But this time I get a HUGE stress headache. Things are piling up. The crazymaking is getting in my head. But I think hey fake it until you make it and I'm working my program and I'm not flying off the handle.
So my son goes to a sleepover and I go home, and I think, shit, what am I going home to, will I be ok? But he's shut himself up in the master and asleep already (it's 10) so I take some ibuprophen and my headache goes away. And I'm doing my reading and I'm checking in with you guys, and I'm ok for day two of the weekend.
Then Sunday I get up early and my son and I eat breakfast, but by 10 he's still not up and I'm thinking to myself, is he dead? Seriously I am. So I check on him and no not dead, just hibernating for 12 hrs plus, weird. So away my son and I go to church. We're back and I'm thinking I will make dinner early and I think I will make something that is my spouse's favorite and I ask him to cut up the onions. And he says why can't you do it yourself? And I say because I have to do 5 and they make me cry. And he says I thought I wasn't getting dinner (still mad about yesterday, and the day before, no gourmet meals!), and I say don't you want dinner? And he says no, I'll make my own. Ok right I say and put everything back in the fridge, and grab my son and out to lunch we go. And then we come back and grab his hockey equipment and away we go to hockey. And I'm feeling pretty good, thinking I must be getting better. I'm not engaging the fighting. I'm getting out of his way and going out and doing something fun.
And then we come home and things are not ok. The dog looks cowed, tentative, scared. I'm seeing my crucifix that usually hangs on the wall and that just this morning I'd put the palm leaves behind it, was missing. And my program from church is crumpled up in a ball, and my laptop is moved, and my reading glasses are on the floor, and there's a basket turned over in the corner and stuff strewn about in the living room like he'd thrown stuff and in the garage my bike is knocked over (brand new 3 days old) and my son's bike is knocked over. And I'm picking threw the garbage trying to see if he was fool enough to throw the crucifix away, the one that we received on our wedding day and that was blessed by the priest who married us. Fortunately I found it and put it back on the wall. I ask him what happened and he says it jumped off the wall. Uh huh. Are you going to church I ask, nicely. No he says, because I'm not a hypocrite. So I stop engaging and help my son reorganize his room and I make us some dinner, tacos. And I'm still not mad, not just pretending not to be mad, but not feeling mad. Wow.
I think I'm gettting there. It's really really hard, stressful, and I feel anxious (but I know what I'm going to do about that, I'm going to see the doctor and deal with that, and I'm finding help). I feel different. I feel sad not mad. Have any of you all been there? When do we move from sad not mad, to serenity?
More. I just looked at my email now and he's sending me emails accusing me of having a boyfriend. The email is from this afternoon when I was taking my son to his hockey game and he wrote: That is my car you are driving to your boyfriends' house with, and I want it back." So I went to talk to him and he had the door locked and I told him I was taking your son to hockey and he's insisting I have a boyfriend and he doesn't have evidence yet. And he is looking at me like he wants to kill me and I don't know what to say. I told him I don't feel safe and I left the room and closed the door and I heard him say. You should be worried. It is late at night and my son is sleeping and he has school tomorrow, and now I'm certain this is not a safe place so do I stay up all night, what do I do. I'm going to call the counsellor now, the 24/7 line, and ask for help.
Oh dear, FF, it sounds as though while you've been using your tools, your A has been descending deeper into the insanity. You posted 2 hours ago so I hope by now you have found a good solution that protects you. If it is not safe to be home with your A, it won't be safe even if you stay awake all night. (And having to stay awake all night to stay safe -- what kind of life is that? You deserve a place where you can sleep without having to fear for your safety.) I think in your shoes I would get my son and go to a motel for the night -- taking the dog. I don't know if that is possible for you, money-wise and finding someplace that will take the dog. But it sounds as if the poor dog has been silently enduring your A's rage while you have been out.
Or maybe you have a good friend who would take you in?
This does not sound like a safe situation altogether. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is http://www.thehotline.org/, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They have a useful page on being prepared to get out fast. It could be a lifesaver.
Of course you know the stuff about your boyfriend is just craziness because your A is so upset that he has to find something to blame you for. Alcoholism defends itself with every trick in the book, trying to keep those around it in the same morass of dysfunction and insanity. They're always trying to drag us down. There's no reasoning with it, as I'm sure you know. Please take very good care of yourself. Let us know you're safe when you can.
Your program work was apparent in your post, good work. Now, as Mattie stated, as a result of you not caving to his bullying, his message is YOU and YOUR SON are not safe. You have a choice to stay and put your lives in danger or take action and be safe. Please keep in touch with us.
Aloha Forestfairy...This is exactly the insanity of the disease to which the 2nd step of our 12 steps mentions. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could lead us to sanity" You've said out loud "I don't feel safe" and now's the time for the follow thru...always the follow thru. Investigate the alternatives and then follow thru. Investigate and reach out to others asking for help. MIP is just one support station you have many others. I am a former Alternatives to Violence Mens' case manager and from reading your post the abuse and violence has already started...When someone acts violently against the personal property of another person...that is violence. When someone accuses another wrongly to support a selfish harmful behavior...that is violence. When someone threatens the possiblity and probability of future harm...that is violence. If you gut is screaming "I don't feel safe here" take your detachment to another level. Your church has a history of supportive facilities...call them and go talk. Keep your son at a distance from him...he can be used to harm you more than your personal property. When he mentions of himself that going to church would be hippocrital of himself...understand where his thinking is and has been...he's been violating his/a value system in his thoughts and emotions and has arrived in a negative, harmful spiritual state. If the dog is showing signs of stress "cowed" everyone is on alert.
Working on it. Waiting for the lawyer to call back, Hoping against hope there's a way he will leave and my son doesn't have to go with me to a shelter tonight. I think my son, 10, will freak if he has to leave home. I missed the lawyer call because I was on the phone with a shelter. Trying to sort things before my spouse gets home from work. Thanks for the support.
I've been through this myself. Not an A but a very violent man. Always have a bag packed and purse, phone, keys and money in hand at all times. I kept the stuff in the car. I'm sorry you going through this but it is what needs to be done just in case. You might be gone you might still be there when he comes home....Please just be prepared.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi there I am writing to you tonight from a shelter. I was so scared to come here but it's nice, it's clean, bright, staff on that can offer help and access to resources. It's actually better than a hotel in that its more like a home. My spouse is freaking out, calling over and over pleading, shouting come home. He's now agreeing to counselling. I turned off the phone. He asked to speak to our son and his 2nd sentence was tell your mother to come home. I grabbed the phone back but too late my son was now crying i want to go home. You warned me. Wow there it was, using him to get me . The one thing I want he flatly says no. I want him to move out AND go to counselling and get healthy. He wants us back and then he will go to counselling. But he won't move. I want my son in his home again. Mean b*****. Kids are supposed to come first. Here he is away from home, his dog, his stuffed animals, his toys. You go I say, it's way easier for you to rent a small bachelor on your own then for me to find a place with a kid and a dog. Mean mean b****. I know not working the program here. Hugs to all of you.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 27th of March 2013 06:30:03 AM
