The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I opened that door by calling the ex AB and picking up the phone after he kept hanging up on me. Of course he had been drinking, gives him beer muscles. So in for a lot of tears today. I heard "I never stopped loving you" and WTF I believed it. He tried so hard to get me to come to him but I was on to the manipulation and told him so. His response. "well your lose" really is it? I said i was not ready many times, that we need to talk first, I'm not sure he is capable of that. Shutting down me feelings he can do. As much as it all hurts it is like a reality check that i must need to remember I want better for me. I reacted badly when today came and he wont answer his phone, I hate myself when I do that. Vented to his voice mail several times with no response, says how much he really does not care. Another thing I need to remember. He does nothing but bring pain to my life.
Not sure how much easier this makes it but alcoholics can't love people with their whole hearts because the bottle doesn't allow them to. You can't really "lose" in a contest with a bottle. You can choose to stop playing which it sounds like you basically are even though it's hard.
We all want to be loved and to be told we are loved. Don't forget you are worthy of love from healthy people, from your HP, and from yourself.
Try not to "hate" yourself for any response you have to a sick and insane alcoholic. Not that you are not responsible for your own behavior, but much of it is a product of "crazy making" ploys by the alcoholic. I suspect you feel you acted badly cuz you stood your ground the day before and then showed what you think is weakness today. YOu have real emotions and you'd really like closure and to talk them out with the person who the emotions are mostly tied up in. That's normal. It's just not going to happen with an alcoholic who's not capable of giving you that except for in tiny doses and they come totally on his little timeline and not yours.
I have heard the comparison that the way alcoholics view and treat other's in relationships is as if they are a child and you are a toy on the shelf or in a toy box. They take you out and want you around when they want to play, but when they are done they want you to go away, want to play with something or someone else, and you stop existing basically. While it may be really nice when he wants to play with you (figuratively speaking here) those other times which are much more common are terrible.
It is so easy for us to get pulled into the machinations of the A in our lives (I often have that old Kinks song "Predictable" running through my head, then I remind myself it is judgmental and bitter to think that wasy so I say the Serenity prayer!). I have been in a back and forth w my A over his choice to get sober or not, and again I must remind myself that this is HIS and I have my own self to work on. So so difficult. I hope there is some comfort in knowing you are not alone at all in the scenario you described.
pinkchip--it was helpful to be reminded that the A does not have ability to love wholeheartedly with that bottle in the way; that helped me anyway with the QTIP slogan. thanks to both of you for your posts today
