The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am glad that you found us and shared. "He" , your friend sounds as if he is an alcoholic. Alanon and this Board have been established to help people who live with the problems of alcoholism We do understand that the AMA has confirmed that alcoholism is a disease and as such we are powerless over it.
Living with the disease we become affected in a negative manner (walking on eggshells, fearful, angry, isolate) and need our own program of recovery before we can decide on the best actions to take for our lives.. I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings in your community. Here you will break the isolation caused by this disease, learn powerful new tools to live by, stop reacting and know when and how to act in your own interest.
It is suggested that you make no major change in your life for the first 6 months so that you will be able to develop healthy attitudes and actions.
Alanon hot line# is in the white pages of the directory
Keep coming here as well. You are not alone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 25th of March 2013 07:03:11 AM
This is my first time here, so bear with me! I am a 48 year old divorced mother of two, been through some big traumas that have led me to have PTSD and Complex PTSD and I have been working very hard on myself for quite a while now. As a result of that work I am quite tuned in with my alarm bells and am sensitive to and aware of behaviour that causes me anxiety, fear, sadness etc. I am also committed to staying safe and setting boundaries around myself and my priority is my ability to provide for my kids.
I have no experience of addiction or alcoholism, I hardly drink myself, and I am disciplined in my own life, furthermore I don't know anyone closely who is an alcoholic. My understanding of alcoholism is based on information available on the internet and the bits and piece one picks up as one navigates through life. I am, I can now see, naive and an ingenue about it all.
I am now asking for advice as I am struggling to understand my partner of almost a year.
He- let's call him He - is 51, and a high functioning alcoholic. He lives with me, my two kids (9 and 10). When me met he had just started a job, after 18 months out of work and drinking daily from lunchtime till he passed out in the evening. This was not apparent to me at the time, and has revealed itself to me as a puzzle with hundreds of pieces slowly falling into place over time as the information trickled into the picture. It feels like a nightmare unfolding slowly, and the more I see the more it scares me. He started drinking in his teens, spent years in elite regiments in the army doing things you only see in movies, drinking heavily through it, and then went into the legal corporate world where heavy drinking is expected and encouraged. His father is an alcoholic as is his brother. Until recently his whole day, week, month was scheduled round getting a drink as soon as possible. His friends are all heavy drinkers, ranging from daily use to huge binges lasting all weekend, they enable, encourage and entice him. As I got to know him better, a truly ugly side revealed itself if he had had more than a couple of drinks-highly aggressive, angry, very threatening, irrational verbal attacks and 'play' physical fighting is the norm and occasionally fully fledged verbal abuse. Coupled with this is constant low level domineering and controlling behaviour.
When the realization hit me that this wasn't because he was a 'bad drunk' and he that he didn't just drink occasionally, but rather that he manipulated me and everything and everyone else around him to have a drink and look like it wasn't 'his' problem I gave him the ultimatum - me and the kids or the drink.
He promised he would give it up altogether, he said he was aware he has a problem, he said he could stop, he wanted to stop and he would stop. He said he has done it before and he wants a normal life etc, and he can do it again. On the 3rd of January this year he stopped drinking. That presented a whole new set of challenges, and as they unfolded, for the first 4 weeks, he became anxious, depressed and irritable until one day he managed to strategised a way of 'making me upset him' that justified him storming out straight to the bar for a huge binge. I have read as much as possible about alcoholism, withdrawal symptoms etc., but I'm no expert and I didnt see it coming.
Since then he has used every trick in the book to make it ok to have a drink. Ranging from buying bottles of champagne "for me", to cooking meals that have to absolutely have wine in them, to going to the bar secretly, to engineering huge crisis, to overtly going out for a drink to punish a misdemeanor of mine. My misdemeanors may be anything from not being at home when he gets back from work, to not answering my phone soon enough, to going out for lunch with friends, and today for taking a phone call from a male ex-work colleague and now friend whom he feels I have an inappropriate relationship with.
He resents my friends and will not socialize at all with them, he will not participate in my life or my kids life unless it is with him and his friends or on our own. He accepts the job I have, because it is in the company I set up with my ex-husband 25 years ago and my relationship with my ex is difficult and unpleasant. He actively protest at any other job/project I may do. He is extremely jealous of all men and can only tolerate me seeing friends who are women. He wants to know where I am and what I am doing and why i am doing it and if I ask him what his plans may be he either says I am suspicious of him or that I want him to go out so I can see people he doesn't want me to behind his back. In the spheres of me that do not interest him, he shows absolutely no curiosity at all. Plus, his libido is non-exsistent.
No one is perfect, and we are all human and have many failings, I am more than aware of mine. However, I do not lie, betray, cheat and always do my best. I now find myself so anxious of what will happen, that I have started either witholding information, because he is either not interested or it will cause an argument, and in the last couple of weeks lying out and out about this male friend who has phoned the house twice to talk to me, nothing untoward, just as a friend. Both times He picked up the phone, the first time I lied and said it was someone else knowing that if a man phones me all hell will break loose and today I did again but then said who it was. Nuclear warhead exploded. He has stormed off, doubtless on a huge binge. Not to mention the unexploded bombs of 'has he had a drink behind my back or not'.
I am always on the back foot, and don't see it coming until it's come and the damage is done. It seems I am an enabler despite my every attempt not to be one. Not a role I want.
I walk on eggshells, and I am starting to behave in negative ways that are defensive and very anxious and fearful - exactly what I have done years of therapy not to do. I know how insidious and invisible such destructive behaviour is when it slowly starts to take one over and I also know I have to stop it now. I know to save myself because no one else will.
On the other hand, when he is 'normal (?)', he is extremely thoughtful, kind, loving, gentle, honest, intelligent and emotionally aware. It is a real Jekyll and Hyde personality if it is a personality thing - I don't know!
Deep down I think I know what the answer is - to walk away right now and not look back - but your comments would be greatly appreciated. I would like an insight into how an alcoholic mind works because I just don't get it at all, not at all.
Thank you Betty, reading the many posts here helps to get an insight into what this disease is and does. I have children to look after, I love this alcoholic man, but in life one has to make difficult choices. My ex-husband left me when my kids were babies, and he chose to leave by being violent and abusive. I cannot live like that again, I can see the pattern emerging again and I have the knowledge of how that feels. I spent a long time healing and digging deep within me to find the strength to believe in good and steady myself.
I have learned that one can only take responsibility for one's action, decisions, choices. My problems are mine, his are his to face, deal with and live with. Alcoholism is bigger than him right now and there is nothing I can do about it.
It may not be appropriate to say this in this forum, but I'm thankful I am me with my beautiful children, and not him mesmerised by the screaming siren song of booze. I am free to choose...thank God.
Aloha Sun Sun and welcome to the board also. When I listen to your story and look at the similarities to my own it shows me that you are in the same position I was when I accepted the suggestion to getting to face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings. So much as happened since that first, for real, meeting and now I have the awarenesses and different choices from the program so that I can respond and act in ways that I keep my peace of mind and serenity and not make hasty unworkable decisions on my part. What you describe you are going thru is normal for alcoholism...especially the expecting Dr. Jekyll and getting Mr. Hyde. That actually is a fact when in the relationship with an alcoholic. For me I had to learn which one I was with or who was with me in order to decide how I wanted to behave. Alcohol is a mind and mood alterning chemical and it doesn't give you an alert as to when It's going to change things so I was always reacting to it. For me there is never such a thing as a functional alcoholic or addict...When the alcoholic becomes altered by the chemical they are non-functioning on the level that others are set up to expect...they just can't. Drinking is the primary endeavor and the justifications to drink are just there for them to say it is okay when their inner voice is saying..."I've got a hell of a problem here". Aloholics are not dumb or clueless...in fact they have a greater sensitivity of what is going on around them and with who in order to participate with the guilt and shame they carry. Alcoholics are survivors!! They have to be while their worlds are falling apart around them and they have to deal with life with all the deficiencies they have. You alcoholic/husband is having some real problems and your are powerless over it...getting into the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon would be the very best suggestion I would give someone like you...because that is what I did and that is what saved my life. I have forgotten what it is like to walk on egg shells while at one time I thought I would die with them stuck to the soles of my shoes. I have a gratitude for Al-Anon and MIP which is boundless. I hope you keep coming back often. ((((hugs))))
How very very scary it all is. What you say makes perfect sense, and I am able to understand it intellectually. I thank you for your experience and for passing your wisdom on.
Later this morning- it's 2 am, another sleepless night, my AH will come back, stinking of alcohol and resentful, and he will either pack his bags and go or I will have to have yet another difficult conversation. My kids adore him, and what stops me from from kicking him out time and again, is knowing that they will be devastated once again. Their father left us when they were 1 and 3, after a 20 year marriage, he shacked up with a girl 20 years younger and become a man-child, the responsibility of kids being more than he could handle.
So I'm sitting cogitating vaguely calmly as to what the best decision is for us and calculating the fall-out and the fixes the kids will need. The interesting thing, is that even though I am the uncomfortable voice that challenges his drinking, and that leads to a strong push back time and again, he always comes back and holds on to what he calls 'his family' ie. us for dear life. He knows he will never be able to drink in peace again, and will have to resort to complicated manipulation to get away with it. He knows that every time he pushes back my boundaries are pointed out. My weakness lies in tolerating even a drop of it, and not kicking him out once and for all, so in fact no matter how uncomfortable the process, he is getting away with it and that makes it worth it for him. He gets the family, the drama that is his excuse for drinking, and the alcohol.
Me, I look at myself as one has to and I take stock of my part in it. Hand on heart and with a clear conscience I have done my best. I don't understand the disease, it bemuses, shocks, terrifies and confounds me. I don't see the manipulation and projection until after the event and by then it is way too late. I am now after a year starting to understand how it is a train screaming down the tracks of his life running everything in its way over and nothing and no one is going to stop it but him. He doesn't want to. He is completely hard wired and programmed to drink. Simple as that. Horrible, ugly, tragic and a complete waste of life.
I now pray that I have the strength to confront him and push him away, even as he clings on and resists. I have failed before. We all dream that we will be loved and trusted and respected in dignity and integrity. This is my third failing, one manchild, one psychopath con-man who stole all I had, and now a full-blown alcoholic nutcase. I have identified my issues and have done some very serious therapy, but this is pointing out to me that I'm not out of the woods.
Please God help me find the strength to face yet another ordeal and come out bathed in white light and find peace, calm and serenity so I can give that gift to my children too.
You have described how the alcoholic mind works in great detail. It works like his. You live with it and you see it in action and already have a better understanding than most. I think you are struggling with the "why????" It sounds more like you are stuck with wondering how he can stay like that and why he doesn't just change.
His M.O. is to find an enabler and find excuses to relapse and/or keep drinking no matter what. These behaviors can be conscious or unconscious. That his how his mind works. Even with his best intentions and caring towards others, he will turn everyone into an enabler and everyone will get caught up in the tornado of his alcoholism because the alcoholism has consumed him and it then necessarily starts to consume anyone else who loves him and is supporting him.
My daughter was 14 when I married a man who I thought was charming, gentle, thoughtful, etc. He drank a lot, but never seemed drunk; lost his job and spiraled into where he is now. I worked hard to find some magic solution to ease HIS pain (ignoring my own and my daughter's pain) and two years later split for the last time, three years later divorced and four years later he is still playing the poor me my wife kicked me out, buy me a beer and feel sorry for me song.
My daughter almost ran away from home, went to counseling, didn't understand why her mother would keep letting this ogre back into the house and after the last split, she didn't believe he was really gone for good. I lived with a very angry teenager for a long time, she would go to school then lock herself in her room, barely coming out if I was home. I took my lumps, communicated with her but she was so angry at me she couldn't talk to me - it took a long time of letting her be angry before she finally started to express how angry she was.
I wish I'd never let this man into her life, he ruined the remainder of her childhood. We don't get to rewind, in some ways I think she is stronger because of it but I mourn the child I ignored and negated to appease HIS demands.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I have tears in my eyes after reading your story and I'm sorry to say that they are rather selfish tears. They are tears of self recognition. Soooo, brushing those aside - your response that you are free to choose is a very good one.
I am still with my husband, we've been together thirty years, and I find it difficult to step away. But in reading your post I do recognise that it is quite likely that one of my most useful purposes in my husband's version of our marriage is that I am the excuse for another drink. No wonder he hung on to me so long! I am, with hindsight, capable of so much more than that! I thought that I was a liberated child of the sixties, a girl who believed in equality. But it seems that I was carrying more baggage (and possibly guilt) than I thought, darn it!
Thank you for your post Sun, I hope you stick around.
Thank you all for your replies. I am more grateful than you can imagine.
It's difficult to talk about all this to the outside world, either others don't get it, or they get it abstractly. Helpful judgement from bystanders can be difficult to process if they don't speak from a place of knowledge.
As women, the sober ones, we are expected to look after those we love, provide, nurture, care. Selfishness is frowned upon, and we give give give at our own cost. Life experience and some very hard lessons have taught me to start to set some impregnable boundaries to protect my strength, energy and well-being, so I can be sane and strong enough to do that looking after.
I am extremely conscious of the blueprints I have been given, and have made me who I am, and I am trying not only to understand them but not to pass the damaging ones to my son and daughter. It's a huge and constant job of self-awareness and tweaking.
My AH, did come back, we had a brief, non-confrontational, strong conversation, I apologised for my lying, but made the point that I will not tolerate drunken behaviour, jealousy, anger and drama.
He said that nothing matters more than the children and I, I believe him when he is sober, and he proves it time and again most of the time. Having read all the replies, I am now going to continue maintaining strong boundaries but I am going to let him take responsibility for his own life, present and future. He is a big boy, his drinking is his problem, not mine. The door is locked to this house should he ever come home drunk.
