The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I came face to face today with one of the scariest questions I've ever been asked:
"Did you see any red flags before you married your husband?"
Me: "Ummm... (long pause) Yes."
"Why did you choose to ignore them?"
Me: "Oh, just shoot me now and get it over with."
Seriously, though. I've thought about it all day after having been asked, and told to write down whatever comes to mind. Before I say anything else, I am going to make it a point to explain how I thought I was a Disney Princess when I was a little girl. My parent's spoiled me, and I was planning for my future wedding by the age of 6. I had it all wrote down. I even drew a picture of my wedding dress. I have wanted to be a wife and mom for as long as I can remember. I yearned for it from the start. Now, on to the rest of the story. You see, I was 17 when I met my then boyfriend, now husband, who was then 19. Before that, I had never been around alcohol. That's a lie. I watched my dad drink half a can of beer and pour the rest out. I had never been around a drunk person, so I didn't even know what an alcoholic was. In school, the DARE people would come with their "Drugs are bad, and so is alcohol. Here, look at these 'before and after' meth photos, and this photo of a totaled car due to drunk driving" speeches. The day before both my junior and senior prom, all we were told was, "Don't drink and drive, find a designated driver." That was my experience with alcohol. Then I started dating my AH. Everyone knew he liked to drink a little more than a lot, but I still didn't understand the seriousness. We dated five years before we became engaged. Incidently, he proposed to me while drunk. That should have been a red flag right there. I knew we fought, I knew that some nights he would sit down to eat and slowly fall over, face first into his plate of food, I knew he fell more than the average person, I knew I was the main one who drove ANYWHERE, but you see, he loved me. Where else was I going to find someone who loved me? How else would I have my dream wedding? With promises of sobriety after marriage, we had a beautiful wedding. He was sober! I was so happy that he was trying. "His drinking is a thing of the past, and we are going to live happily ever after!" As months went by, the promises didn't stick. The fighting became more frequent, the passing out, the... well all of you know the rest. That was when the moment hit me like a full-speeding train. I know what an alcoholic is now, and that is what my husband is.
I wish that those DARE workers would have told us the full spectrum of addiction; that it slowly consumes the life of the addict, taking over their personalites, hopes, dreams, their drive, and is not happy until it reaches out and infects their loved ones as well. That it is not happy until it brings, not only the addict, but everyone surrounding the addict as well, down into a deepest despair that you can't even see your way around anymore. That it becomes your and your addicts obsession. Your nightmare. I wish I would have known. Would I have listened? I ignored those red flags, after all.
Oh, more and more heart wrenching questions! But, I know that this is the healing process, and I know that I will have to work past the pain.
-- Edited by lnc12 on Saturday 23rd of March 2013 04:22:04 PM
Good topic I saw the red flags In fact I still remember the still small voice within saying :"B careful he is trouble". I said in replty:"I donot care I can handle it and I love him Famous last words.
Just had this conversation with my son tonight. Looking back, in hindsight, I see all kinds of flags flying but I guess I didn't get the progressive part of alcoholism. I thought it would stay at the level it had seemed to be at for so long. Too much for my taste but didn't seem to be affecting his job or his health and he was a good husband and father. I found it reassuring that I never saw him drinking very often which I realize now was another flag because he was doing it in secret. I was like you. I had no personal experience with an alcoholic. I can't help but wonder if I had seen the warning signs then if treatment and rehab would have been successful. ?? Who knows ??
-- Edited by wornoutmrsfixit on Sunday 24th of March 2013 01:15:25 AM
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Great topic Inc, and I love the introduction - gulp, I remember being asked that question as well.
I clung on to my rose tinted glasses for years and years. It is kind of good to discover that I've been in love with my idea of my husband rather than with the reality. It is not at all comfortable though! When I think of how various red flags actually stopped me from loving fully and how much energy I've wasted - ugh, its not worth spending too much time on it but I am sorry that AH and I have both missed out.
I hope that the lessons that I am learning will stand me in good stead for the future.
