The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Over the last few days my addicted son who no longer lives with me has been contacting me and giving me a lot of grief because I will not let him have his box of 50 to 75 DVD;s (which I paid for when he lived with me). The reason I will not let him have them is because I know that he will sell them for drug money. I almost caved in and gave them to him out of fear that he will break into my home to try and find them (I have removed them from the home). My sponsor at Alanon feels I should not cave in and give them to him or else he will continue to try and get more and more out of me especially if he sees that I will continue to cave in. I am concerned that he will damage my home. I have an idea; Since he states he only wants them for "watching" I have considered burning copies of them and giving him a CD case with the burnt copies in them so he cannot sell them for money. During all of this he also told me that he "hates me" and wishes another person (he named the person) was his mother. Even though he has made my family's life a living hell because of his addiction, I would never in a million years tell him I wished someone else was my son. Do I give him the DVD's and move on with my life, or is this just going to be another way of him getting something over on me and next time he will do the same thing until I give in? Hard decision. What would you do?
You paid for the DVDs. They belong to you. Aside from the drugs, he's acting like a little spoiled terrorist. I wouldn't reward that or feel guilty for not giving them to him. People don't get a pass to treat you like dirt just cuz they are your family. Detach as best you can. He sounds sick and desperate. I pray you will eventually get your son back as a sober and mature adult who doesn't use childish bullying and emotional hostage taking to get his way. You did not cause this, can't control it, can't cure it. If it were anybody else treating you with such utter disrespect and cruelty, you would probably slam the door in their face and not think twice.
I need some support. I have never been on this before or been to a meeting or anything. I am a mom of a 22 yr old daughter that just an hour ago walked out of her 2nd rehab for drug abuse. She is in florida helpless with no money and no phone. she borrowed a phone from someone in a store and called me begging me to fly her home. What do I do? I can hardly breathe because where she is at is high crime area and she has no phone or anything. I fear that she is going to die there and then if I bring her back home she is going to die here from drugs. I feel so helpless.
Set your boundaries and stick by them. I have a Ason and this is the best thing I ever did. I stopped the enabling and all that is connected to it. Say no and make it final. No is a complete answer.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
A part of what I had to do with my qualifiers was stop getting in the ring with them and stop trying to "one up them or out think them" during the journey. If I found myself in the tussle with them it meant that the disease had me and not the other way around. The disease is much more cunning, powerful and baffling than I am...that is why I need a "Power greater than myself and the disease". Let go and Let God is one of my most favorite slogans...and behaviors. Act the program out. This is a "walk" program and not a "talk" one. I don't know if any number of CDs or DVD that are worth my peace of mind and serenity and then what ever you decide to do or not do you must hold yourself to the consequences. Will he sell them for drugs?? Really?? Could you be wrong?? For me this is how I inventory the tussle. Could I be wrong? Yeppers I've been wrong most of the time when fighting with the disease. It's his disease do I want to own any part of it? Do something better and better still with the CDs.
KKsmom...I suggest first things first...call the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and get to the first meeting you can. If you hear from you daughter suggest she call the rehab and ask them to come pick her up so she can finish. It's not your job.
I handled my ex differently; anything he thought was HIS he would hound me for until I gave them over just to get him to stop. My decision to give them over was to stop the harrassment as soon as possible and get back to living in peace.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I guess I have somewhat of a different perspective than some here. If you bought them for him, they are his. Trying to use them now as a means to control or protect him from his disease of addiction will not in the least stop him from using. I do not have the right to stand in the way of allowing an alcoholic or addict to do what they want with their sense of integrety intact, if there is a such thing. I surely do not have a right, nor does it help them for me to stand in the way of them hitting their bottom, no matter how scary it is for me. Without them hitting it, they will never come to recovery with enough desparation to stick in the rooms or take it seriously beyond getting a moment of relief or some form of heat off their butts.
I say, hand him his dvd's, and let him know you won't be buying him any more of them for him. When he sells or pawns them, they will just be one more thing of value that his disease took from him, and from that day forward, he will only be able to talk about what DVD's he use to have... that will do more good towards moving him towards recovery than withholding them.
That's my opinion any ways... and I share it from a place of personal experience on both sides of the fence.
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I'm of the opinion that if those DVDs and Xbox were purchased for him as gifts that means they belong to him.
If he wants to sell them, then that's his decision. As John said, each step we take to block or control the disease is another step in the way of the alcoholic or addict's recovery.
It would be different if he were asking to borrow money or wanting things that are not his.
He's either going to use or not use. If he's that desperate for money for drugs, he will find a way, whether you give him those DVDs or not.
I know for my own peace of mind, I would put myself through much more stress trying to control the DVD situation than just giving them to him to do with what he wants.
Thanks to everyone who gave their opinions. I have decided that for my own peace of mind that I will burn the DVD's and tell him they will be there for him later. If he continues to insist, I am going to give them to him and as others here said, that will be the last time I buy him anything of any value at all. If he wants them to "watch" as he insists, then burning copies for him to watch should be accepted. If he continues to insist, it will obvious he only wants to sell them. I Have to agree with aloha on one point; I may be putting myself through more stress trying to control the situation than in just letting him have them. My worry though is that if I give in now, I will be stressed as he tries to continue to control me and have me give him things. That is how my A works. I am slowly learning through meetings. It takes a long time.
None of us got here over night and it's going to take longer than over night to get better. The great thing about boundaries is that they can be adjusted as you see fit. I have only just begun to see where my boundaries need to be shored up and where maybe I have a boundary and really there is no need for one. It all takes time just like you said.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
